how can I deal w/o telling my mom

ok so I’ve felt like REALLY depressed all the time, but its not anythin new. I used to be like seriously messed up in the 7th grade and I didn’t eat anything but like water and oranges for almost a month I barely ate at all during the 7th grade and that cause serious problems, now I like pass out if I get too hot or do anything that makes me dizzy I just like knock out. and I used to cut myself. I stopped cutting and I ate more in the 8th and 9th grade…but I didn’t actually get over it I just burried it wayyy down && completely forgot, now I can’t remember like anything from middle school because I just block out anything cause middle school sucked for me. but now its like come back to bite me in the @ss I guess. cause I cut again && I barely eat, but of course my mom chooses NOW to notice I dont eat as much. I just deny everything around her because in 7th grade she found out I cut && she like went into total melt down mode forreal she was all cryin && sayin it was because of her && I cant STAND talking about feelings and stuff like I don’t know I just dont like it,

is there any way to deal wtih this without her getting all freaky && sobby??