Having an affair with a married man?

I have been head over heels in love with the same guy for about a year. I never acted on it due to the fact hes married (although quite unhappily) and I dont want to be “that girl.” I came pretty close to making peace with all this when we ended up at a party together, that his wife didnt attend. at the end of the night he asked me if I was staying over, I said I was, and he informed me he was as well. nothing happened, we spent the whole night talking to each other. one of those great conversations that even though you have been talking for 5 hours, you have so much left to talk about. he informed me that his wife is horrible to him (which is obvious to anyone that sees them together). and that he has wanted to leave her for a while, but hes afraid of what a divorce would do to his family, who dont believe in divorce. hes only been married 2 years, and he only dated her for a few months before the marriage, so its not surprising it didnt work out. my problem is he told me that he wants to be with me, and took his ring off. I lied and said I didnt feel the same because I felt guilty. now im kicking myself and wondering what I can do. I really hurt him when I said that, he basically confessed his love for me and I just said no. what can I do if anything?

Answer #1

Why would you want a married man when you can have a single one? Don’t waste your time. Someone single might just be on his way to you already.

Answer #2

I left my wife of 5 years and 7 month old son for my girlfriend. I was seeing her for over 6 years and now she’s gone. Explain that one. I left, because I love her and now she won’t talk to me. I hope she doesn’t feel like a homewrecker, because it was my choice to leave. I love her.

Answer #3

Don’t do it !

Answer #4

I am not sure that having an affair is quite so negative.

I have been having an affair with a married man for about 15 years (on and off).

I met him on a course and didn’t realize he was married at the time, and only found out after I had fallen hook line and sinker for him.

He had two children and I could bear to think I would break his family up - having come from a broken home myself.

We had a period of on/offs and then an absence of nearly 10 years, when I got married and had children of my own.

Now my children are getting into their teens and his are nearly 18 - we have got back in touch with each other and are madly and passionately in love.

I have a husband who although kind does nothing for me sexually and is not particularly affectionate, he also works away every other month. My lover fell out of love with his wife for some time and works long hours and running a football team to get away from having to be at home.

We keep in touch virtually daily, through email and text and see each other when we can.

Our plan is possibly to work towards leaving our respective spouses at the point at which we have both discharged our responsibilities to our children.

We are still young enough to spend a good number of years together and our partners are young enough to find partners more worthy of their affections.

Providing we can leave our marriages financially stable (neither of us want our spouses to suffer financially) and our children are old enough to know the stability of a happy childhood, then I think there is a case for doing the decent thing all round and calling it to an end.

The fact is when we make our marriage vows many of us are intoxicated with the romantic visions of marriage. For me 25 years on I can see that all it is really is a business arrangement and a grind. Any passion is long dead and these days people live so much longer - forever is a hell of a long time, especially if you are not that happy with the person you are with and have an unbearable longing to be somewhere else.

I think it is wrong to pillory people who have changed and need change. Whilst from a religious point of view I realize marriage is the ideal estate, but it is obvious from the rising divorce rate it is not a state most people can endure forever.

I refuse to feel guilty about my affair. It has not affected my marriage in as much as it has enabled me to survive more or less sanely when so many things are wrong with the way I live. I have children and I take that responsibility seriously, he has children and I expect him to take that responsibility seriously too.

The fact he would not have walked away from his children is in my view the sign of an honorable man and the fact I never insisted on him doing that is I hope an indication I have no wish to become a home-wrecker.

Life is such a lottery. Who says the person you marry if the right one for you - always. All I can say is I have loved this man for a long time now, although have not let it get in the way of my own life or happy family life.

I do look forward to a time when we might be able to come together, but whatever happens I feel better for having known him and experienced true love. Something I have not experienced with my husband.

Call me selfish, call me what you like, but we can all make a mistake, and goodness knows we have to live with the consequences. I am just trying to limit the damage and keep some integrity even though in situations like this it is very difficult.

Let’s not forget over 60% of people have affairs, so there is nothing that odd about me - perhaps it is those who can stay with someone for the whole of their lives and are content with that that might have a problem? Who knows??

Answer #5

Go for it he is unhappy and he may leave her once he feels treated right from you! I would go for it.

Answer #6

I am in the same situation, what helped me is joining this forum, www.the-other-woman.com for targeted advice!

Answer #7

walk away, nooo, I mean run as far away from this guy as possible. he is in no shape or form relationship material. don’t be the reason he leaves his wife, I mean, come on, he has kids with her!!! maybe they are going thru a rough spot and you are a distraction. you deserved better and he and his wife deserve to figure things out without distractions.

Answer #8

The man always said those kind of things. Don’t feel bad the guy. If he is unhappy about his marriage find a way out. Don’t put yourself in second place. Have respect for the wife. And If she know it that how he really feel. I am sure she leave him.

Answer #9

well just lately I was with a married man…I love him.. I really do… we wre prettty much together for only about two months but in those two months his wife found out.. they have five kids together and he adopted her first kid from her first marriage..so in a way they have six kids.. I honestly don’t think married men are worth it yes at the time it might seem as if he or she is the best thing that has ever happened to you but if he keeps on saying he is going to leave his wife casue he is not happy or that he loves you deeply and cares for you more then anything there is a great chance he really does feel this wa but don’t sit around and wait for him to make a decision on what he is really going to do.. just end and find someone else if you 2 are ment to be together then trust me you well but if not then by staying wit him you could be missing out on a lot of other chances with men or women that are better then the one that you have been seeing… I LOVE you BRANNAN BUT I NEED AND WANT JAMES>> SORRY>>>

Answer #10

i say that there is nothing wrong with having an affair with a married man, that man may be looking for more passion that he feels he’s not getting at home, a person who is in a marriage may cheat because of their need for more emotion and being more sensitive to their feelings and needs, men need sex because a man thinks about sex almost every day more than us females, when we may not be horny they are and we need to please them even if we are’nt , i dont care if u had sex with your partner yesterday or in that same day and he wants more i say give it to him even if your not hott, or perform oral sex it does’nt matter , give him a hand job just do something or your man may stray and u cant blame that other woman or anyone else but your self, so ladies do what u got to do put on those high heels or sexy undies what ever his heart desires even if he wants to bring some one else into the relationship do it, because if your husband ever presents himself to me he wont be coming home to u but if he does he will be thinking of me always and i know u don’t want that, so dont get mad just do it, always delishious.

Answer #11

it is very flattering to be the object of someones affections. life is short, and you wont be in your good yrs forever. it will be much better to choose a mate based on different values. one who will give you credibility and stability. people adapt despite suffering difficulties. you will have to take a stand and expand your capacity to see the implications and ethics involved here and be someone willing to act on that. you must see that piece of this in order to see yourself moving on. you must accept yourself as imperfect and be willing to redirect your path. once you have raised your values and attitudes and replace your old ideas with new ones, you will become highly motivated to put this portion of your life behind. you wont want to see these lovers anymore it will become clear to you that you have many other options.

Answer #12

In my opinion, you absolutely did the right thing. You lied but it’s proper to turn him down because he is married. He maybe happy or not, they still have a family and you don’t have the right to break it apart even though he told you he wants to be with you. Honestly, I’ve been there, done that and I regret it. At first it’s going to be fine but as you continue along the way it’s going to get ugly! Trust me! Uglier than lying to him and lying to yourself of what you feel for him. Don’t ever stoop down on your level just using your heart. You have to use your brain and be strong. No matter how much in love you are to him, It’s not going to make you happy taking him away from his family. He should have known better! You said you’ve liked him or in love with him for a year now that’s why he is just probably fooling around. The best thing you need to do is stay away from him because you need to control what you are feeling for him, no matter how hard it is do not give up. It will not give you anything but painful memories. Good Luck!

Answer #13

I have also been in a relationship with a married man. When I met him 5 years ago he wasn’t married at the time. We have been off and on for several years. He married almost 2 years ago to a girl he was dating when we were dating. I have tried on several occasions to end this. He’s the one that keeps coming back. He told me years ago that he would never say goodbye to me and that he would never get over me. He is my soul mate, I love him with all my being and he knows this I have never kept my feelings a secret. Yes its hard knowing he’s going back home to his wife. Like most - there are children involved. They do not have children together. I remember when he got engaged he called me. It was on Good Friday and he was so nervous when he told me I was shocked and devistated. I was a wreck. I have never cried so may tears over a man and yet I still love him. I have tried to get involved with other men but how can you when your heart still belongs to someone else? As I said he keeps coming back our relationship is so intense and it’s not just about sex. So, I don’t know what to tell you. I hate being “that girl” we all keep talking about but we don’t get to pick who we fall in love with it just happens.

Answer #14

first things first, one should never enter into a relationship until they can handle their own feelings, secondly I disagree with allowing yourself to feel anything for anyone already in a relationship. You can tell they are unhappy? Hmmm…could it be responsibilities or like children ,jobs, a morgage, credit card bills, utilities, ect…ect…ect… the old rule of thumb here is if they cheat on the husband/wife,or bf / gf ,they will cheat on you. life is uncertain and too short to waste precious time - would you believe just one side of the story or assume a book by its cover? wake up stop listen learn and grow make your own back yard and tend to it .

Answer #15

well I would wait until he is separated or divorced form his wife. I mean, you may very well be in love with him and he may be unhappy with his marriage, but no matter how unhappy he is, you have to have respect for his wife. I mean if I was unhappily married, still wouldn’t want my husband talking to another woman. Just remember to have respect and I would wait until he ofiicially calls it quits with his wife. I mean what if he decides he wants to work things out with his wife? You never know. I don’t think any body wants to be “that woman” that almost broke up a marriage… If that happened, you would be in a messy situation…

Answer #16

wow well he is clearly going to cheat on his wife so she means nothing to him so tell him that you all can hang out but if she doesn’t matter it won’t matter if they get a divorce but remember once a cheater always a cheater so what happens when your together do you wanna be in her shoes? I would leave her an anonymous letter telling her thats what I would want if I was her. but thats just me remember you can never have all of someone when there is someone else

Answer #17

I BELIEVE IF YOU TRULY LOVE HIM, YOU ARE WILLING TO SET HIM FREE. I also had an affair with married man but the thing IS I know my limitations & I am always ready for whatever consequence. piece of advice don’t be a homewrecker that’s bad.

Answer #18

are you all stupid? having an affair with a married man is selfish, and helping destroy his marriage. I don’t give a shi if he’s unhappy or “horny” and he sweet talks you into saying he loves you and he’ll leave her for you. if you have any self dignity or respect for yourself you wouldn’t do that you would find a single man. unless your fucked up in your head and feel that your better than her cause he’s choosing you over her, then you got problems. how would you feel if you were married and your man went off and decided to have an affair on you? and who’s to say if he does leave her he won’t have an affair on you? thats what im talkin about.

Answer #19

well some times you just have to brake the rules just say what the hell im going to be “THAT GIRL” if you really luv him but he took off his ring dosnt that say something to you I know why your holding back I think is because if you put yorself in his wiffes shoes think how you would feel about it but if she really trets him like shit than be “THAT GIRL” what the hell its for a good cost anywaz!!!

Answer #20

if he will do it for you or with you …he will do it to you. dont feel bad, he’s the one with the contract

Answer #21

step 1, divorce step 2, remarry step 3, ??? step 4, profit.

Answer #22

I am in the same situation currently. I get so frustrated when I ask something (to see him more) and he is scared or doesnt think it’s right. I, then figure that he doesnt think I am worth getting caught. It’s a very difficult situation to be especially when it’s not longer caring about someone but loving them. It is hard to stop loving but if you concentrate on his weak morals, perhaps it could lead you towards ending it with him. Always remember, what he did WITH U he will do TO U. This is true 99% of the time. IF you were the mistress he will take more liberties with you if you are ever in a real relationship. He will think since that is how you got together, then you should know that of him and expect that.
Another piece of advice - affairs are great, they are exciting, the sex is unbelievable and you do not actually have a real relationship. You dont know if this “love” would be there if the circumstances were real. It is fun and great to be in an affair because it is the forbidden. When you see him, you dont want to waste time on fighting, so you spend the best kind of time together. IT’s simply not reality. You dont fight about money, kids, who will do the laundry or things that married people may fight about because those circumstances do not exist. So how do you know if you love him for him or for the man he allows you to see?

Answer #23

You are me, 4 years ago. Me and my coworker got to be great friends. We talked all the time until all hours of the night. He had recently gotten married and I had a b/f. My relationship was going down in flames. He was very unhappy with his marriage. He had dated the same girl on/ off for a few years and make a long story short, felt pressured to get married. Our feelings started to grow stronger. He told me that he wanted to be with me and that he wasn’t happy with his wife. I told him that I wanted to be with him too. We both knew it was wrong. We weren’t looking to fall so hard for each other but we did. So we started an affair. He too was afraid of what would happen with his family, but we didn’t care b/c we fell in love with each other. My end of the story is that his wife found out, his family was ashamed of him and numerous friends and respect were lost. It’s now been 4 years later and we are still going strong. I believe I have found my true soul mate. In your case, it’s better to come into the picture after he’s been honest with his wife and deals with his family. In my case, things with his family and friends eventually got back to normal. But it took one hell of a long time and I feel I will always wear the scarlet letter around them. Trust me, it’s some heavy sh*t that you don’t want to go through. Being honest can save you both a lot of headache and heartache. Lets face it, being called a slut and a homewrecker isn’t exactly an ego booster. I know that there are dogs and douches out there. I know about the playas and hoes. But sometimes people make mistakes. Sometimes you do have to take a risk and follow your heart. Just be prepared to handle the consequences for your actions. In my case, I did, and it was the best damn mistake I ever made.

Answer #24

My husband and I were separated, we were separated because he was a sex offender, but he met a girl that he works with a friend to him that I did not know anything about. Anyway he told this girl that I broke his heart and that I was not treating him right. She believed him, he divorced me for her we where married for 12 years, he new her for 6 months, his real reason for divorcing me was that I lost my job and he did not want to take responsibilities, being that I had always took care of everything, out of the 12 year we where married he paid or rent 8 times, he was a sorry man, all he did was go to work, he could barely keep a job do to his offense, now just got a pretty good job and his job knows he a sexoffender. I stopped loving him 7 years before we got a divorce, I tried to hang in there. Him being a sexoffender turned me off, mainly when I had sex with him, along with him not being the man of the house, he would not even take out the trash and that was all I asked of him. Before our divorce he said to me why you never put your leg in the air when we have sex, I said nothing, but I wanted to say was. …When I do It comes out because your is too short and I never wanted to give him head because there was nothing to hold on too, he use to get mad because I did not want to give him head while I was married to him, just looking at his body was disgusting to me, he was a very attractive guy, but when he took his clothes off I could just vomit, I got use to his body eventually over the years. Now he is taking those male enhancement pills he sent me a picture of his It grew from a stub of 3 inches to 7 in a matter of weeks, for twelve years I had a stub. My point is that guys will tell you anything for sex. But I am glad I got a divorce now I have a real man that I can treat like a king and give him all the head and sex he wants.

Answer #25

“love or lust”, the hardest to determine. I am a married woman, who has been having an affair for the last 5 months with a married man. My husband has had numerous affairs over the last 6 years, and i swore i could never do that to him, much less make another woman feel the pain i’ve felt. However, when this beautiful, caring, charming man kindof fell in my lap, i went to my knees, fast. He has left the country now, to go to Iraq, and was probably the best thing ever for me. I know how you feel, they are amazing feelings, but in reality the “relationship is based on complete dishonesty”. I reached the point in this relationship that i would do anything to see this man, and felt like i was in love with him. And it was extremley hard when he wouldnt do the same or try harder to see me. I thought he was falling for me too, now I see that i was just sex. Men relate to emotions so much differently than women, they can disassociate so easily. My man said just before he left that he was going to come back to his wife and start over, we’ll see. My advise to you is DONT DO IT! wait until he is divorced ! your heart will get broken, and your self esteem will die. If he really feels that way he needs to be honest with himself and wife, everyone will have more respect for each other if done that way. Then you can have a real life together and be happy if meant to be. lesson i learned? that im not a total fat, ugly pig, that i can feel passion, and that i need to make some changes in my life, my husband hurt me beyond belief, but not repair! good luck

Answer #26

I met this wonderful man almost 2 years ago. At the time of our meeting he told me that he was divorced and that only the property settlement was the only thing pending. Fast forward, I am totally in love with him. He has shown nothing but interest in my passions and the things that I love to do. He has involved me in his business dealings and so much more. Everyone (all of his friends) knows me as the woman who “works” with him. I am hurting so much but for some reason I cannot find the strength to let him go. My heart bleeds for him every time he is leaves me to be with his family. I truly understand that he love his children and possibly his wife, too. I’m sure she is a good woman and mother (I guess). Oh, I guess I didn’t mention that his family lives in another state and that when we met they had just relocated to a new state in attempt to save their marriage and to provide a better environment for their children. All I can tell you is that the pain grows deeper with each waking moment. To love someone who is incapable of fully loving you is the probably one of the worse disservices you could do to yourself. Just look at me. I keep telling myself that I’m done, but each time I hear his voice and see his face, I step back into him with both feet. I’ve become what I never wanted to be and that is the “other woman.” Don’t make the same continuous mistake that I have these past 2 years. Get out of this relationship now, save yourself from the inevitable grief that awaits you. Remove yourself now and if he comes back to you, then you’ll know that it was meant to be. Yes, I’m sure that he has valid reasons for not leaving, namely his commitment to his wife and children (if there are any) but, you and I both know that it’s really about the him and his fears. My advice is to find a way out of this relationship, now and stay out. Please keep me in prayers. I am in such pain too.

Losing it in Los Angeles

Answer #27

Don’t do it ! Wait until he is out of his marriage. I found out the hard way and now I’m in a big mess and he is still happily “married” to his wife. I’m married and had an affairi with someone I met at work. Yes, he was married and approached me and gave me the same old story, he was leaving his wife, he was in love with me, he was going to marry me, and so on. He was always calling, seeing me as much as he could, buying me gifts, got us cell phones so we could always keep in touch. I wasen’t happy in my marriage and thought this guy was the one for me ! Thought we were soul-mates, we had the best times when we were together. He wanted me to leave my husband and he was going to leave his wife. Well to make a long story short, my husband had me followed and found out about the affair and served me w/Divorce papers .. well, after that .. I found out how much the other man really loved me … as soon as I told him about the divorce papers, he bailed out on me so quick. So as much as these “married” guys tell you, it is all lies. They play on your emotions. My life is a total disaster right now, and he is going on with his as “normal”. Oh by the way, after that … I was not going to let him get the best of me, I went and told his “wife” everything. I totally feel in love with this guy and he dumped me in about 2 mins. Don’t fall for the same thing .. I’m having a very difficult time dealing with it. I have never done this kind of thing before, but he had me really fooled. I would hate to see someone else go through what I’m going through right now. If he really loves you then he will leave his wife before starting a relationship with you. Don’t trust any married man !

Answer #28

I know exactly how you feel..its hard being the other woman and to be honest with u..if he did get caught cheating do you really want to be known as the homewrecker..I’m having an affair with the love of my life..it sucks because I know that I have to share him with her..I’ve been waiting for a year for him to leave his wife to be with me..my advice would be not to do it..believe its hard sharing your man and you don’t even have a right to feel that way..I don’t have the right to feel that..to cry when he leaves because I know where he’s going to..its not like you can be with him whenever you want because it has to be around HER schedule..its not just something you can start and stop..I tell myself everytime he leaves that I can’t take it anymore and next time I see him I’m going to end it..but then I see him and I’m just so happy to have a chance to be with him that I wuss out..so girl you do what you want but I swear to you its hard..especially when your having an awful day and your man can’t be there because of wifey..to be honest with you he had no right confessing any kind of love for you while still with his wife..that wasn’t fair of him to act hurt b/c you’re not happy about the wife..if he really loved you he’d be with u..if only I could take my own advice..I still have hope..u know if its meant to be it will be..so good luck on whatever you decide..

Answer #29

At the end of the day, if you guys get together, you are just going to have to come to terms with the fact that his kids will probably hate you. They will blame the lot on you, thinking that you stole their father away from their mother.

Clearly his children will mean a lot more than a relationship with you. Don’t take it personally, but if they make him choose between you or them, he will choose his own flesh and blood.

Take yourself out of the picture and consider all involved. Whatever decision you make, you HAVE to be at peace with. If you are even slightly hesitant, don’t bother.

Speaking as a child of divorce, you will have to endure a lot of awkward situations as the woman who is living with or dating a man with children. Like I said, they will blame you for the entire break up between their parents. If I were you I’d move on and find someone who will love you and who you can love without being or seeming like Holly Homewrecker.

Answer #30

you have three choices.

be ‘that girl’.. the ‘other woman’ and know that the guy your f*cking is married to someone else.

tell him as long as he has her ring, he ain’t gettin your thing.

find someone else

Answer #31

he comes back to you either when he needs sex and his wife won’t give it to him, or when they have a disagreement, or when he just wants to have some extra fun.

he made a committment to his wife, not to you… he’s using you for his purposes. ten years from now his wife will have him, his home, his kids, his money, and you will have an empty heart and be 10 years older with no one to call your own… used merchandise.

Answer #32

really honestly.. hes not that into you… trust me if he do divorce he is not so reluctant to get into another serious relationship..

Answer #33
  1. Your not having an affair because you haven’t even had sex with the man or confessed ypur feelings to him.
  2. Your not having an emotional affair because you denied your feelings for him.
  3. Don’t do anything stupid like “HAVE AN AFFAIR”
  4. If he loves you and his marriage is as crappy as you say he’ll get a divorce.
  5. Don’t give in because think he is a married man.
  6. Don’t feel bad you did the right thing.
  7. Just be truthful and tell him how you feel but the only way you’ll act on your feeling is if he decides to get a divorce and nothing can happen between you until his divorce is final.
Answer #34

if he is unhappy and with someone who isnt well-suited to him, absolutely critical that you understand this: the onus is on him to divorce his wife, and that is the first condition you must insist on. next, you take time and date him. next is an std test followed by a ring and proposal followed by a wedding should you feel this man is still for you.

Answer #35

women are very prone to bonding with a man and having a hard time shaking him loose once they share intimacy. men can share intimacy and not feel much of anything and can walk away easily. much better is for a woman to take her time before intimacy and get some info on his character before she allows herself to be made vbulnerable to the bonding. I wish you well and know the idea of waiting is not easy but it is the careful smart way to go. good luck xo

Answer #36

i have been in my affair for over 3yrs. The married man is my good friend husband… i am not sure if he really care for me or it ‘s just a safe relationship. i really do have feeling for this man.

Answer #37

WHAT A JERK. He’s a liar. Don’t have ANYTHING TO DO WITH HIM. If his marriage was so bad, he would have divorced her by now. No excuses.

Answer #38

There is nothing you can do. Don’t kick yourself. There is a reason his wife was horrible to him. It’s because he was horrible to her, but doesn’t realize how. Most men, no matter how honest their intentions are, are blatantly ignorant of themselves and their actions towards their wives. Throwing off the ring was only a show. Nine times out of ten Men don’t leave their wives for another woman. That is a soap opera myth. The ones that do, end up treating the other woman in the same frustrating way he doesn’t seem to get. Don’t get me wrong, any woman who treats her husband like crap in front of others ought to have her face slapped. That is besides the point. If you end up with him, you’ll end up with the same frustrating crap even though you may have enough class to handle it differently. When a woman appears brutal (although it’s wrong)there’s a reason. She didn’t just pull her fed up position out of the air for nothing. Beware!!

Answer #39

Maybe you should just talk to him and explain to him how you feel about this whole situation? i mean you dont want to be that girl thats bad… does he still have sex with his wife? This isnt right at all and you ahve to talk to him things will get better… even if you and him stay away from eachother for a while … talk to someone that has been in this situation that always helps.. good luck

Answer #40

I am here to testify to the world that i just found a real priest who has help me bring back my happiness by retuning my ex wife back after two year. I have been to India for spell and i have also been to Jamaica and none of them work but when Jacqueline Directed me to this great priest in Africa. I contacted him through email and he gave me his temple address where i went to see him physically. He made incantations and told me that i my wife will come back after 3 days. I lodged into a hotel and waited for the 3 days. It surprises me when Sherry send me an email through Facebook. I went to North Carolina and we now united. She cherish me more than ever and this is what has never happened in the past. I will forever Cherish this great priest from Africa because he is very truthful and honest. Anyone who need his help can go to his temple or contact him through his email address templeofpermanenthealing@gmail.com

Benji Scott

More Like This

Love & Relationships

Dating, Marriage, Breakups

Ask an advisor one-on-one!


Online Dating, Marriage Services, International Relationships



Dating Services, Marriage Agencies, Relationship Counseling


Victoria Milan

Dating Services, Relationship Counseling, Marriage Counseling


Japanese Women

Mail Order Bride Services, Dating Services, Relationship Advice


Best Bride

Mail Order Bride Services, Marriage Agencies, Dating Services