My girlfriend told me something and I got upset about it.

My girlfriend and I are in high school. Today she asked me if I wanted to drink with her. I know its illegal and all but pay no attention to that right now. I never even knew she drank. We have been together for a year and 3 months. She says she only drinks very little whenever her girlfriends are over or whatever. She said she never drinks with guys. I don’t really like that. I know I’m being boring for saying that but honestly I think drinking and smoking is a turn off. She doesn’t smoke but just making a point. I know I can’t ask her to stop, its not within my control. But I know I shouldn’t be getting this worried and upset over it. I guess I always just kinda thought she was more of a good girl. But when she told me that she drinks it kinda upset me. I need to know if I’m over reacting or I’m not. I don’t know why its bothering me so bad but it is. I just liked the fact that I could tell people that I had a good clean girlfriend. But now that I know that its disappointing me. I know when you get to high school that happens to people. But when I ask her why I never knew about it she said she thought she had told me before. I’m going to quote what her text said “Theres a difference in getting drunk and drinking. I know whats enough for me and when to stop. It’s not like I slut around and get drunk then use it as a excuse, There is nothing wrong with what I do.” She said she doesn’t get drunk she just drinks a little bit. But it still bothers me. I told her I didn’t really like it and she just said okay, I told her it kinda changed my view upon her. She said if it changed your view upon me then leave me because I don’t what someone looking down at me 24/7, I have a family for that. I know I’m probably wrong for getting upset and mad about it. But I need some opinions. Thanks.

Answer #1
  1. Be VERY CLEAR to her about the kind of behaviors you do accept and you don’t. (“I do not accept 2nd grade behavior from myself or my potential partner”) That’s called having a robust boundary. Having a boundary means having a strong set of rules your partner is not allowed to break. If she does. DONE. The relationship is over.

  2. If you don’t like that your girl drinks, tell her that - NICELY in a CALM and LOVING way. Tell her that it’s a boundary that you won’t accept crossed. That’s simply one of your boundaries. You are not telling her what to and what not to do. You are simply telling her, “If you want to have a relationship with ME, you can’t drink. If you want to, then I am okay with breaking up.”

  3. You have just made it that way that she can behave and talk to you in whatever way she likes. Doesn’t seem she respects you or your opinion at all.

Remember? The three pillars? 1. Honesty 2. Trust 3. Respect

She has violated all three of them.

  1. Honesty - She has lied to you that she doesn’t drink

  2. Trust - She has broken your trust by lying to you and hiding it

  3. Respect - She has disrespected you by talking in a disrespectful manner and radiating that your opinion has no importance to her

Quite simply, If I was in your place I would have cut her out of my life by now.

Man, sorry to say but I can smell so much weakness in you. Intuitively sensing, it seems as though you are: a). Emotionally weak b). In Scarcity (and think she’s the only special someone in the world) c). Dis - satisfied d). Afraid (that she might leave you) e). Putting up with whatever kind of improper behavior she radiates toward you (like a door mat) f). Dependant on her for your own happiness and good emotions g). Afraid of being yourself and saying what you feel like saying h). Filtering your authenticity, afraid that she might get ‘turned off’ if you be your core self

We are the masculine, bro. We are men. We are supposed to protect our women from dangers. We are supposed to be strong, emotionally stable and robust so our women can depend on us, rely on us and cry on our shoulders. That’s how Biology has wired us to be.

Is a man really a man if he is too afraid of being himself? Is a man really a man if his happiness is ‘dependent’ on his woman and he uses her like a crutch to leech positive emotions off off her instead of being her support? Is a man really a man if he is too weak emotionally and physically to protect his woman? Is a man really a man if he can’t even speak his heart’s truth?

I see a lack of purpose here, friend. I can sense you still haven’t found your purpose. You haven’t found yet what you were born to do. And like David Deida would say, “A purpose - less man is not a man at all”

Your entire world revolves around her. That’s the weakest, worst thing you can do to yourself (I know cause I have made the same mistake in the past)

I had had to know all this the hard way. I lost my parents when I was 13. I had to man up before most guys of my age do.

All I advice you is this man:

  1. Find your purpose in life. Find out what you were born to do.
  2. Be a strong man
  3. Find a better partner who aligns better with you

By what I can see now, sorry to disappoint you but….. the relationship is going to screech to an end real soon. All the three pillars of it have been shaken.


Answer #2

Andrew has a very good answer, but it’s completely one-sided.

Consider that people in a relationship need to be able to deal with issues “together” and make compromises. She drinks … you don’t like that … too bad. Is her casual drinking enough to make you want to end the relationship? Then do so, but don’t fool yourself into thinking you’re going to find someone without flaws. You need to learn to bend a bit, too.

This is not a society where man dictates what woman should do … learn to live with that. If you can’t accept the person you love over a small matter of occasional drinking, what are you going to do when a big problem arises? Run away? If you run away now, you’ll be running away from ever having a lasting relationship.

Compromises, friend … relationships are built upon them.

Answer #3

Exactly. I agree with Miss. Colleen completely. I guess I might have come off wrong. Let me explain. You want to have a definite boundary where you tell her what behaviors you won’t tolerate from her. This is what ANY relationship expert will suggest. But, also, you don’t want to freak out, complain about and dictate her around on every small issue - like I said in my other post. ……………….. However, drinking seemed to be a BIG and DISTURBING issue to you which I could feel you deeply hate. My point was telling you to NOT put up with anything you ‘DEEPLY’ hate - if you do, you’re being a doormat. But if something merely ‘bothers’ you a little. You should just over look it. …………… in a sentence, “Don’t overlook the BIG issues (which you feel are big in your personal opinion) and Don’t sweat the small stuff as well.”

Answer #4

You must intuitively know when you should compromise and when it’s time to put your put down. That’s what building and sustaining healthy relationships come down to :-) - Andrew

Answer #5

She didn’t exactly lie about it. But she said she just said she thought that I knew. I texted her this morning. I know shes still asleep but I sent a long message taking both of your answers into consideration. I’ll let you know what happens when she wakes up.

Answer #6

I’m not forcing her to do anything. I’ve thought that I had a clean good girlfriend for a year and three months. I don

Answer #7

When I figure out that kind of stuff it bummed me out. It’s upsetting. That’s why I’m in this situation. It’s bothering me that i just not figured this out about her and we’ve been together this long.

Answer #8

My opinion: you act as if drinking is the worst possible thing a person could do. So what if she drinks a little bit every now and then when she hangs out with her female friends? Everyone drinks. She has told you what she does and doesn’t do. She knows who to drink around and when to stop. She may have made the honest mistake of thinking she told you when she didn’t. This doesn’t mean she’s “a drinker”. This doesn’t mean she’s not “clean and good”. I agree with what Andrew said about you being weak but no pillars have been shaken. This shouldn’t even be a problem in your relationship. Have a think to yourself. “Do I love her? Does she make me happy? Does this one thing I’m so upset about really affect me or how I feel about her?” If you struggle with the last one, you are the one with the problem here.

Answer #9

So you obviously love this girl or you wouldn’t care that much. Back in high school I was one of those girls who didn’t drink and it was hard because people looked at me differently. So I understand her reasoning for drinking (definitely not justifying….but just looking at it through a different lens). Now I can totally see your point of view also but that is just a part of relationships. If you really love someone, then you have to be able to accept the things you do and don’t like. You seem like a good boyfriend, who just wants a good girlfriend and you are just saddened that you don’t have that like you thought you did. But you may still have that. Just because she drinks doesn’t make her a bad girlfriend. Now if it becomes embarrassing or excessive then you should definitely leave her alone. The most important part of relationships is seeing what you can and cannot deal with. If you can’t deal with the drinking then you should just find someone who doesn’t drink. Someone who sees things through the same lens that you do. So your dilemma right now, is whether you can accept the way she is….because most likely it won’t change. If you can then overlook that flaw, because she already knows how you feel about it and will probably think of you every time she picks up an alcoholic beverage (which can decrease or increase her drinking). If it increases then leave. If it decreases then stay.

Answer #10

I agree as there is no point in staying if she increases and always remember, no body is perfect so if u cant get over this fact its better you move on. Have you ever seen how much she drinks ? she has asked you already so you may check it out!! She didnt try to hide it from you either, so be thankful that at least she is honest with you !

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