How to handle difficult foster children?

I have a question I have had these kids for about 3 months and I thought this one be a good deed for me to do to be able to help someone else kids out and show them love. its not working out I am going threw a living hell and I dont know which way to go anymore. I dont feel like I am getting the help I need with these foster children from the agency… I am having trouble out of all three but the worst troulbe with the 15 year old she is out of controll cant do nothing with her just got her out of a home thinking that would have helped her but it didnt she is bad bad bad girl what would you recommand I feel like its putting a strain on my marriage cause it keeps me so stressed out and I dont know what to do anymore… please give me your best advice. I would really appriate it…

Answer #1

aloha kathyrh69, I am seven teen years old and in foster care..and the system really does suck the ony good thing about it is that once you hit 18 years old they will pay for you to go to college ( I am really looking forward to that) the moving though is really hard on a lot of foster childern some people will only keep you for 30 days ( something to do with they do not like keeping kids past a month) and so I am glad that you have stuck with these kids longer then that. I really am…one thing new foster parents don’t consider when they go in to foster care is that they are getting kids yes, but these kids have not had normal lives…as bad as your 15years old may be her life has been better I am sure then those foster order to stay in foster care long term you have had to have a pretty messed up life since the system is always trying to return you home…with my Mother’s rights where terminanted and so the state has costody and they could not return me.

kids are going to be Kids no matter what just keep in mind these kids have been tramatized and possibly moved around so much they don’t think you are or would keep them any way and so they don’t care if they are actting out an may not try to make it work out because they have already deemed that it will not…I have been moved around over 20 times this year alone..and the messed up thing is I didnt do anything wrong I am a quote on quote “good girl” I graduated high school a year early ..with honors… I have been doing public speaking.. ( have one to night :) I an really envolved at church I work…I am respectful I thought a lot and I just didnt understand what was happening and why I kept getting moved I asked the last people why they where kicking me out and they said because of the holiday ( christmas) they w3anted their own childern around and family…it hurt a lot to here that..some people had said it was becasue they no longer needed the extra money while others said they did not want to respnsiblity..I had one family said they didn’t want to drive me to college in Jan. letss see another said my past was to F-ed up…one said she didn’t like the color of my skin..there was just a bunch of reason…After the 8th move I gave up I pretty much didn’t care if it worked or not and I stopped making an effort to get to no the person(s) that I was living with and just did my own thing…A lt of people said that they didnt like that I never did anything with kids my age..reason being most my age are on drugs and drinking and it is not something that I want to get involved with…or that they thought I read to much whatever the reson each time I felt…rejected,a and I am unloveabel or something..I have been blessed with a wonderful social worker though who does not understand why people do it but who has really been there for me…I understand that being a foster parent is not easy but trust me being a foster child is not any easier…the kids with you where rasied in a sence in a very different world that you are offering them and some tiems change even if it is better is the hardest thing for some one to acept or do..some times letting so one love you is even harder…what you may take as simple things may not be that simple for them..and are often things they are not use to and that will scare them… where as love is simple for you it may not be for them.

You say your 15year old is bad…well if you tell that to her I garentee she will not change and that it is not going to help her psychologicaly it is mostly damaging her..if you are telling her she is bad any way…you may not relize how much that hurts her because I do not think that she sows it but trust me am sure it does hurt her.

She will leanr one way or another soe times we have to learn lessons the hard way and as a parent the hardest thing I think you will have to do next to letting your child go one day is allwing them to mess up even when you no they are) and letting them learn that way..if she is haveing s//e//x then get her birth control so she does not have a child..I am not saying it is ok for her to do that it is not but she will either way so at the least you could help prevent that.

With the foster kids though sit down and tell them how you are feeling if they are old enough to understand…tell them you love them and want them to stay and that you do not know how to help them…ask them if they feel you are doing somehting wrong? also ask them if they even want to be there…if they do not want to be with ytou ask them where they would like to be.

Just keep working at it though..and thank you for doing this it is a good thing…in Hawaii we are very short on homes and kids have to be flown to other islands at times or placed in shelters the teens they will place in adult shelters if they have to and home wise for teenagers there is a real shortage no one wants teens it is understandable but very sad…I am lookiing forward to doing foster care one day my self.

Good luck God Bless

Oh and all kids are difficult not just foster kids

Answer #2

Dito!!! My Aunty raised a 16 year old foster child who was probally badder. Doing drugs, carrying knives to school, and fighting other girls and sex. My aunty didn’y give up and nutured her and gave her love and was with her until the end and now Sharen(foster child) is now a lawyer and is doing fine all she needed was love and somebody to care for her and show her the way don’t give up this girl might be your corner stone of your life meaning if you help her she can be very important in your life you can be her mother and she can be a good citizen and take of you everything in life brings us troubles but don’t give up on helping her she can benefit you greatly in the future help her and who knows what she will be capable of because of you

Answer #3

If you think it is best, then send them back to the agency. Just tell them what you are going through with the kids. There is nothing wrong with that, you tried and it didn’t work, that is perfectly alright. Especially if it is interfering with your marriage. Hope this helped. Good luck and Be safe…funmail me if you need to.

Answer #4

Give her a hug!

Answer #5

I have to agree with peruanalatina485. A good deed is one thing but taking on foster kids is another. Did you do it for the income??

Answer #6

go on the maury show!! seriously..

Answer #7

I’m 15 years old. And I think you should keep her. I think the reason she is “bad” is because she has been thrown from house to house to house kind of deal. She doesnt know what love is, never really had any “real” parents, who cared for her. You just need to let her know your there for her and that you care and do love her.( at least I hope you love her) and I hope you did this “good deed” cause you wanted to, not for income either. Cause thats just wrong, and what do you get out of that, nothing. but maybe try to plan something with her, that she likes to do, but something that is legal and fun. dont do something boring and adult like, be a kid again. may help.

Answer #8

I’m 15.. and it’s pretty okay but you as an adult dont understand how 15 year olds feel now and to top it off she is a foster child. My friend is a foster child I’ve kept in touch with him the hole time since I meet him. He has it hard and he’s 17. … 15 year olds are like bottles of emotion.. and with each drop it seems like our hearts brake and the people we trusted are gone. Doesn’t that sound like fun!? Okay … so RELAX… take a day with your husband for yourself and drop the kids off at some arcade or mall. Teach the girl how to be a lady.. show her that to get through this life you can’t always be tough.. it’s probably just and act anyways she wants attention most likly

Answer #9

Smack the brat. Ha, just kidding. I know you can’t. I’m a foster parent too and actually found this page today using google because I am to the same point with my 11 year old who just destroyed his room and about pushed me down the stairs. And I’m 5 months pregnant. Quite honestly, I’ve given this child every little bit of care, love, attention and discipline that I have left in me. I just don’t care anymore. I am done. I don’t have any good advice, but I hope it worked out for you. I will never again take a child of his age with such severe issues (PTSD, ADHD, past sexual abuse, past physical abuse, past neglect, and more).

Don’t let anyone get you down. We did it because we cared too, and anyone who isn’t a foster parent can’t possibly understand- and that’s the truth.

Answer #10

I think that you should keep her because im 15 and it’s not easy being the age that we are but I can’t imagine being thrown around from house to house. don’t tell me you expected an angel foster child who hasn’t had a stable family and on top of it she’s a teenager goin through many many things. she’s not a dog that you can just return when it doesn’t work out. when you make a decision like taking a foster child in you should really think about it before you decide to take them in because your affecting their life as well. it’s not always about you.

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