Do I contact my ex-girlfriend that I miss so much??

This may be a long story but I am in so much need of advice. I met my ex girlfriend 2 years ago, she joined my work place and when I first met her I didn’t even batter an eyelid, I just said hi and had no thoughts or instant feelings regarding an interest in her. I was just getting over being mucked about by another girl and had no interest in anyone else as I was a little hurt by the last one. As it turned out over the next 6 months me and Joss, my then soon to be girlfriend, had to work together as she was new to the business and she was to shadow me as much as possible. As time went on it turned out that we got on so well, had many things in common and made eachother really laugh, which felt great!! Over the christmas period of 2004 we had to, and wanted to work together. That time we spent together brought us really close, and you know that feeling you get when you know there is something there but your not sure if they feel it too, well that happened. Joss was with someone at the time, and I could tell from what she said and the way she was when she spoke about him that she wasn’t happy. He didn’t like her having independance and when he found out she was taking driving lessons he flipped out and got a bit nasty. They were engaged and had been together for 5 years, shes 30 now, hes in the army and spent a lot of time away. After the new year of 2005 people were saying what a great couple we would make, and eventually we both admitted our feelings for eachother, it was an amazing feeling to know it was mutual. Obviously there was her situation with her then fiance, so I said if shes not happy and her feelings for me are that strong then I would wait until she sorted things out and got out of her current relationship, he didnt seem to appreciate what a great person she was, and we decided to not let anything physical happen until she was on her own. Eventually she told him she wasnt happy and he flipped. I had a new place and the way the situation was it seemed and felt right for her to move in with me. This happened in June last year so we had been kind of together for 3-4 months so it did seem soon to be moving in together but as I said it just felt right at the time, her contract for her flat was expiring an would have to renew it but her ex was still about and we thought it would be better for her to get away from there. From that moment onwards we had the most amazing time together, she managed to get a work transfer to a nearer store, we went to see concerts, had a brilliant holiday, and were so happy together. But, the day she found out she had got her work transfer I had a little thought run through my head, knowing how rife it is within the company I work for, I remember thinking to myself ‘I hope no-one tries it on with Joss, or she has an affair’. Not for 1 single minute did I believe that she would do something like that to me as she was always so morally sincere. Anyway, as I said this was just a passing thought and it was gone as soon as it appeared because I genuinly did believe she wasnt that kind of person to cheat, not only that but she made me feel really wanted and special,as I did her. Then we got to christmas and all was good, everyone in my village had got to know joss, they all liked her a lot, said we were a great couple and we suit eachother, family loved her and people were happy for us. Christmas 2005 passed and then came the annual store christmas party, the store I was at had one, and her store had one in the middle of january. I asked her if she wanted me to go but she said she would rather go on her own as most other people were going without there partners, so that wasnt a problem for me and she went alone. I said I would pick her up afterwards and so I did, she wasnt drunk, just a bit merry. We got in about midnight, she got changed and I made her a cup of tea. This is where things began to go downhill!! Joss was on the sofa texting someone, so quite innocently I asked her who she was texting this late. She said it was just a friend from work talking about the doo they had just been to. I then sat next to her, and when I did she turned her phone so that I couldnt see the writing, then put it down on the floor next to her. At that moment, and I don’t know why but my heart just started to pound and I felt like something wasn’t right. Joss then got up and went to the loo and I did something that I’d never done beforehand because I trusted her I suppose, I looked at her phone and there was a half written text by her that read ‘yeah had a great night, what better time could I have had than spendinding…’ and thats where it cut off, I imagine at the moment I sat down next to her. So then I checked the inbox and there was a text from this guy who I had a good idea was, it said ‘Hope you had a really good night, I know I did xxx’ Upon seening this I didnt know what to think, my heart was nearly bursting through my chest. Eventually, with me managing to keep face, we went to bed. But I couldnt sleep with all these thoughts so I said it straight, ‘who’s Simon?’ She just layed there and I asked again and she said it was a friend from work who was at the party. I know of this Simon so I proceeded to tell Joss all about him, the fact that he has been with his girlfriend for 4 years and has cheated on her constantly, has kids by different women during the 4 years, and has paid some to have an abortion, a scum bag. I told her I had read his text and asked if she fancied him, she didnt say anything so I asked again and she said yes. I got up and got dressed and she started crying asking where I was going, saying that there was nothing in it and he had been showing her a lot of attention. She begged me to stay saying that I was who she loved and she wouldnt have given up everything to be with me just to throw it all away for someone else. I calmed down and we made up. From then on the thought was in the back of my head, knowing he worked there and he would see joss as another notch in his bed post, it was an awful feeling. AS the weeks went on I started to hear rumours about them, that he had picked her up after work, that they liked eachother, that he was boasting that they had seen eachother to his mates, it was tearing me apart because here is this woman who I would move the earth for and I love, having things like that said about her and someone else. Everytime I heard a rumour I would tell her and she would say it was just another rumour, and knowing that rumours were rife about everyone in our stores I had to believe her, and a few times I had asked her to actually swear on her little sisters life that there was no truth in them or anything going on between her and this guy. She swore, I made her look me in the eye and she swore. Then after a while it occured to me, if there were rumours about me and she was obviously worried that they might be true, I would be going to her, holding her and reassuring her that she was the one I thought about all day and night and to tell me who was saying this stuff so I could have it out with them as they could be responsible for wrecking my life. But not once did I get that from her, not once. It was so difficult, part of me wanted to ask her about a new rumour everyday, and part of me didnt because I didnt want her to get angry with me, so I was scared of losing her either way, she was slipping away no matter what I did. Another part of the story is about my mum. She has always helped me out and before joss moved in she was round quite often helping me fix up my new place, and when joss moved in she naturally took a step back and let us get on with things. One thing my mum did do was sort out my direct debits and bank stuff to do with bills as im a bit crap at all that. Anyway, more weeks went by, every one of them came with a new rumour and the bad feeling inside of me was getting more and more intense, it really was ripping me apart inside. Then one night in April I came home and went in the spare room, joss was still at work at the time, and when I glanced at the desk I saw 3 tickets to a local night club for free entry on the coming friday. This was Tuesday so I thought I’ll wait and see if she mentions anything to me about going out that friday. The days went by and she said nothing, and when it got to friday I was working late night. So I phoned her at about half 7 that night on her mobile, no answer, I tried the house phone, no answer. Half hour later I tried her mobile again and she answered obviously in a pub so I asked her where she was and she said she was going to this club as she got some free entry tickets. I said it was nice of her to let me know and she said she was going to ring me that night and tell me, thanks I said. Later on about half eleven I got a call from her and she was very very drunk and wanted picking up as she had been sick all night. I picked her up and I’ve never seen her so drunk, she could hardly talk, joss was never really into drinking so it seemed a little strange but I thought everyone gets hammered now and again. We got in and during a drunken conversation she said she wasnt happy, for many different reasons, and I was devestated. She said she didnt even know if she would be living with me in 2 weeks. She said my mum was too involved, I did things that she didnt like, a didnt make her laugh anymore, all these things that she never once sat me down and had a discussion about. 2 weeks went by, during which I asked her to swear there was no-one else involved, and she did swear, on her familys life again. She said she missed her friends from her previous home and hadnt been happy for a while. Not once did she discuss how she had apparently been feeling. I had always told her that if she wanted to I would move anywhere with her. She hadnt had a great life, her dad treated her mum badly, then did her step dad, her mum then suddenly died, her sisters are in bad situations too, and from what she told me her ex fiance was a bit of an arse too. I would never have done anything to hurt her and all I wanted to be was a good thing in her life. Because of this I accepted her moving out and helped her do so, although she didnt seem too upset that this was happening, but again I thought maybe I was over analysing and although she wasnt living with me, we were still together. She moved out at the end of may this year, but that week she came round and we were just like a normal couple, things happened in the bedroom etc, we went to thorpe park and other places like normal, but then ibegan to hear from her less and less and I didnt know what was going on, my heart was being torn right open with the ‘not knowing’. Then I saw her, I had to get in my car and follow her to actully speak to her because she wouldnt answer her phone, and after not hearing from her for 4 days I would get a text to say’Hi, have I got any post?’ That was it, not a ‘Hi how are you, I miss you’. I eventually caught up with her and had it out and told her I couldnt take it anymore and it was over as she obviously didnt care too much, I just said it as a spare of the moment intense feeling thing, and she just said ‘fine’. I asked her if its what she really wanted and she said yes. Talk about world comes crashing down. She went and then called, she said she didnt feel the same anymore, she wanted to move nearer her original home etc. I once again asked her if it was about this guy, he swore again it wasnt, that she hadnt seen or spoken to him since the night in january with the text. That weekend I heard she had been to watch 5 a side football local sports center and he was playing. We weren’t together now but I felt sick, she never came to watch me play football so why would she be there? When I heard this I left work and went up to where she works and asked her if she had been to watch him play. She said he was there but she hadnt gone to see him but just for something to do with one of the other girls from work. She once again said she hadnt spoken to him for months, or seen him. I had to leave as she started to cry. I just didnt know what to believe. As I turned out this guy had finished with his girlfriend that weekend. At one point I said I wanted to stay friends as she meant so much to me, I wrote her a letter saying how much she meant to me, how I’d always be there for her no matter what etc. Then one day about 6 weeks ago she came to collect some post that I had left by the back door for her to collect and said I wouldnt be there, but I was. I stepped out as she took it and she started to hurry off and I got her to wait. She couldnt look at me, only the ground as I begged her, on my knees to let us try and work things out and not to give up on us so easily. She said no. I asked her to look at me but she said she knew how much she had hurt me so she couldnt and she started to cry and then left. I was once again left feeling so low, I was fighting so so hard to get her back. She meant the whole world to me. As it turns out she had been seeing this guy, I found out she had been lying to me for most of this year, and to think she swore on her familys lives so many times that all the rumours were lies. 2 weeks ago I caught up with her and told her what I heard an dthat I knew about them, she told me to f**k off about 30 times and I was shocked, what had I done, and here is this woman who had a firm grip on my heart, losing it with me and being abusive to me because of what she had done! After a bit of abusive I finally got her to admit it, and she admitted to me that she left me for him, this guy who will inevitably cheat on her, and who had cheated on his now ex girlfriend so many times, has these kids that his ex still has no idea about, and boasted about it all. She left me, someone whose world revolved around her, made me happy by making her happy, would have done anything for her, left totally briken hearted. I told her she was low, to lie so much knowing how much I was hurting, and she told me where to go and then drove off. That night she text me asking for her microwave, I told her to grow up and leave me alone so she called me. For the first time I was calm when I answered the phone, whereas previously I’ve crumbled and got upset. I told her a few home truths about how much she meant to me, how he was probably smirking as he shagged her while scraping the notch in his bed post, this bloke who had slept with god knows how many women and she was his latest conqeust, and that each and everytime we were intimate that it meant everything to me becaused I loved her, and that was so true. She was crying throughout and I told her to sort out her post addresses as I wanted no more reminders of her. She got all nice and said she would do that. I told her I wanted no more contact ever again and to leave me alone. I told her that the stupid thing is, after all that she has done, I still miss her, and I really do, and that if shew was to turn up at my door with tears in her eyes and saying sorry, that I’d probably be stupid enough to let her in and take her back. She said @would you?’ I did kind of sense that she was regretting her decision, but maybe that was my hope shining through. I told her that I would pass any post of hers onto her friend, but after 4-5 days I had a text from her asking if she had had any post arrive the day before. Why did she have to text me that when I’d already told her that I’d pass it on, and after I’d said no contact? I replied saying I said no contact, and I havent heard from her since. I miss her so much, I really do, and my heart is teeling me to find her and try to get her back. She said in our last conversation that she doesnt even know if they will last because she is moving back to where she came from, which is about 40mins away. All this hurt and she doesnt even know if it will last!! I still love her, I want to hate her but I cant and it frustrates me so much, I just want her back and from what she has said I cant believe she has absolutly no feelings for me at all, God I miss her and want her back. It really doesnt feel right that were arent together, it felt so right when we were together. Im totally torn,what do I do???