It's kinda long but if you have the time give it a read and tell me what you think. Note a couple of minor characters don't have any names at this point.
Craig Harper was silently fuming ‘surveillance? Surveillance? He was one of the last humans alive possessing any magical qualities and he was stuck in a ditch in the Scottish highlands after some anonymous tip off that a vampire was going to be skulking around here, last three anonymous tip offs were total rubbish, the first two times were stag parties, unfortunately the police put them through to his people and the receiver could hear the shouts of the other guys in the background and hung up immediately, the third tip off, the guy had smoked half a kilo of weed in the past week and required resuscitation after walking repeatedly into the door of the phone box. He, John Harper and his team, the best in the business, were looking out for a vampire who would never come. It was ridiculous! Why the hell should the idiots at the top, who would soil themselves if they ever came face to face with some the things he’d seen, get to sit in big cushy offices while he was stuck kneeling in water which was up to his waist in a trench in the middle of now where as it chucked down with rain?’
Craig realised the heat he’d built up in his cheeks and dropped all thoughts of the fat cats and the weather and thought of his beautiful wife back at home, probably sitting at home not knowing what to do, their son Jackson would be in bed by now, it was nearly his third birthday. What Craig didn’t know is that young Jackson would be spending it fatherless. Craig flicked some hair out of his eyes, usually it was a dark brown but the rain had stained it had a charcoal black. Jackson seemed to be taking after him, dark hair, and his mothers eyes. Craig smiled to himself. The measly fired that had been constructed on the far bank of the ditch had been extinguished long ago by the pounding rain and the gas fire which was propped up on a tri-pod above the water refused to light. Craig shivered and pulled his drenched coat tight around him, it was hopeless, he would never get to sleep or warm up like this, but that fact that the tiniest part of his coat was dry gave him comfort. Two out of the five other men were asleep, they were slumped over the bank sleeping deeply. The other two were positioned a couple of feet further up the bank, Craig could just about make out their silhouettes in the darkness. Part of the bank slipped away, the part which Craig Harper had been putting most of his body weight on, his arms plunged into the water all the way up to his neck, hopes of any part of him staying remotely dry throughout the night were destroyed in that single irritating act of erosion. Muttering profanities under his breath Craig repositioned himself. He checked the two sleeping men by his side, the slight hiss of the various failed fires as the embers were struck by spots of rain. Craig finally looked to his right, shook his head a little to clear his vision, and shook it again. Moments ago he could make out both men, each one leaning against the bank with their weapons, now he could only see one.
‘Stay calm’ He tried to rationalize ‘Nothing’s wrong, they’re just in the same position, one’s blocking the other, or he’s fallen asleep, or… Craig’s breath caught in his throat. He was right, one was blocking the other, in a way. The one nearest him, John, had been decapitated, he could see the furthest one’s, Dan, head in it’s place. His eyes, which for most of the night had been in a perpetual half asleep state, were adjusting to the gloom, the cold water when he’d slipped off the bank had woken him up. John’s headless body slumped forwards. Dan’s however was bolt upright. Over the pitter patter of rain landing in the ditch, Craig heard something that chilled his blood, a slurping noise, the vampire was here, and it was drinking Dan dry.
Feeling himself go cold, Craig reached behind him and shook the other two awake “wake up! Wake up damn it!” he hissed, not taking his eyes of the macabre scene before his eyes, vampires were elusive creatures in the dark and he didn’t want to lose what he came here to catch.
The two men were half asleep but were quickly alert once they saw what was being done to their comrade.
“Dan!” One of the men cried out and stood up, the water only up to his knees he splashed furiously forward raising his gun. A black shape shot out of the darkness like a cheetah and leapt across the river bank grabbing the man and pulling him off to the other side…to his death.
Then everything went eerily still and quiet, Craig could feel ripples the other man was creating from trembling from fear lapping at his spine. Then they stopped, instantly Craig turned, the man was being hung by his neck by another vampire, which in turn and an arm and a leg wrapped around a tree branch which hung over the ditch. Craig was only half standing up when the corpse was thrown at him. When it was right up against him Craig could see the bloodless lips, the glassy eyes, and the thin red line only the talon of a vampire could’ve inflicted. Then the body struck him in the chest and he was plunged underwater. In other circumstances Craig could’ve created a spell, he could’ve done anything, but now shock, fear, cold, and exhaustion were washing over him all at once in a tsunami of hopelessness. The heavy equipment of the body on top of him was weighing him down, Craig didn’t even have the energy to raise his head above the water. Then the weight was lifted, Craig was pulled to his feet by a cold, damp hand, and found himself looking into the cruel eyes of a vampire. A single swipe took his head off, Craig Harper died and could not even scream.
Then the story from there is about his son.
It's an interesting beginning. There's a bit of redundancy, and some of the wordplay needs work as well as the spelling, but the aside from that, it holds the reader's interest. Just don't give too much away, too soon.
It was a bit rushed, thank I'll keep that in mind
Well in the beginning there is a run on sentence its like super long.