How would you critique this short story I wrote not long ago?

My feet pounded upon the rocky road slicing my bare feet. Hammering in my chest my heart beat wildly. What have I done? Why do I precede to commit such acts of sin? The street lamps shinned a dim yellow illuminating the streets as I ran faster than I had ever before. I needed to get away as far as I could from my house in the littlest amount of time. Slowly it had became harder and harder to take each step, it was like the oxygen that I was breathing in didn’t make it to my muscles, then I realized I wasn’t breath. I stopped hunched over taking in deep breaths of the heavy Washington air filling my lungs with life. I looked around the quite town sitting still as nothing had happened. The houses were locked up for the night and the good kids lay in their beds fast asleep, but I stood at the edge of the town completely alone and away from this seamlessly perfect world. My eyes drifted the dense forest in front of me and I began my journey inward. My heart slowed to a normal pace as I made my way over moss covered trees that had wilted or fallen to the ground. Cold beneath my fingers I could feel the moss that hid the bark on the trees. I peered up to look at the sky but it was completely blocked by the canopy of the forest, this was now my roof and these trees were now my walls. This place is where I would make my home and live forever.

   I struggled pulling my exhausted body over the rocks and through the streams while my mind wandered back to the events that took place this foggy morning. I had woken up to the sound of a crow cawing at my window pecking at the icy glass. I glanced at and was consumed by its red eyes. It had drawn me in possessed me in a sense. I lost all control over my body and anger grew inside me trying to bust through my chest. In a violent rage I trudged the stair case into the kitchen. Full of resent I pulled out a butcher knife from the top drawer and watched as the moonlight bounced off it reflecting around my room. My younger sister had heard my rage and made her way into the kitchen also. Her eyes were heavy with sleep and her movements were sluggish while I was driven with the passion for blood. It wasn’t long before her blood drenched the walls in crimson. Her ligaments were every where scattered across the tiled floor and her head lay by the bathroom door. Excitement bubbled inside of me as I saw the blood flood the room and I craved more. My elder sister was next. She came into the living room with horror across her face as I played with the fresh blood on my knife. She was about to run away as I grabbed her and thrust her to the ground, knife at her jugular. In most cases she could easily pin me in a fight but fear had overcome her dancing wildly through her eyes. 

   Within an hour I had slaughtered all my sisters, my grandmother, and father. They torn bodies, and blood covered every inch of the house but I needed more. I was addicted to their pain, suffering, and they blood. I stood still in the dinning room running the cold steel of the blade across the face as the stair behind me creaked. My body whipped around to see my mother standing at the bottom of the stairs. Her hazel full of pain leaked tears from the corners and her body quivered as she moved closer to me. My blood covered fingers clenched tightly to the knife’s handle, I was in defensive mode. Then I was stunned as she wrapped her arms around me in an embrace. I was frightened she was the first person tonight that had got this close to me. She could take my life in seconds. Out of a reaction of fear I plunged the knife into her stomach. A low gasp escaped from her mouth as blood trickled down her chin but she would not let go of me. Finally all the anger vanished and pain took its place. As my mothers body collapsed to the ground tears swelled into my eyes. I took off out the front door my body once again acting upon its own will. As ran I heard the crow’s laughs echoing off the hills and the only thing that ran through my mind was, what have I done? 

   My heart felt like it collapsed as I remembered my family’s faces. I shook my head violently trying to get the imbedded image out of my head. I walked for hours in a straight path falling occasionally, outstretching my arms several of times to try to catch myself but it was useless. Every time I had a face full of mud or twigs stick into my hands. I did not want to walk anymore I could barley even see where I was going but I kept moving. The fog became even denser as I continued. I could not tell you how long I had walked but the sun was still down so it wasn’t 7 o’clock yet. Finally the green and grey vanished and I could see the moons arms reaching down to a clearing, as I stepped into the peaceful meadow little white flakes of snow twirled down from the sky landing on my hands and face. My eyes locked on onto the thick black clouds looming on the horizon then drifted to the lake that sat directly in the middle of the meadow. I treaded over the white flowers to the rim of the thick black water. I put my hand in the water, letting it run between my fingers. I shivered at its cool surface then cupped my hands together to take a drink. As I brought the water to my face I was startled by its deep red color. It was blood the lake was full of blood. I dropped the water back into the lack backing away. The dark water began to shift and move, changing shape transforming.

   I fell to the ground as I stumbled over my own feet trying to get away. The darkness moved towards me. The dark water grabbed a hold of my ankles pulling me across the sand. I felt it consuming my life draining everything away from me. I clawed at the ground trying to escape its grasp, but it made no difference. It tugged me closer to the water I screamed but my throat was dry and came out as I muffled whisper. Finally the water poured over my head as I fell down. My legs felt as if they were ripped from my body and my heart and soul was torn to shreds. I struggled against the powerful foe moving my body back and forth like a fish out of water. Soon I could not feel anything but pain shooting me in every direction. I gasped, sucking in water filling my lungs with water as the bubbles of my last breath drifted to the surface. The moons light completely faded and I was shrouded in darkness as I fell. This is what I get for falling deep into sin now I shall keep falling in misery knowing my family is dead because of me I only wished I could have a fate as good as theirs.
Answer #1

Your grammar needs a lot of improvement… Also the spelling…

Answer #2

<_< I think I’m going to funmail you with this one later, if you don’t mind. Let me know if you do mind.

Answer #3

nope i dont mind

Answer #4

Well, to be honest…and I’m a brutally honest person (sorry in advance), it’s not good. You used words that were obviously beyond your vocabulary range, for one. (ex. “ligaments”) The spelling, grammar, and composition were poor. I can say that if you worked on it your writing might get better though. The story’s concept wasn’t horrible. So final opinion, it needs lots of work but isn’t completely hopeless.

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