I'm at a loss right now. My boyfiend..well technically, "ex" boyfriend and I have only been going out for about a month and a half. But it's also one of those situations where you get so comfortable (in the good way) so quickly. It honestly feels like we have been going out for a year. Ever since the day I met him we spent a whole two weeks straight together. I saw him everyday. Then I went to Ireland for a week and the day I came back I went with him to Missouri ( from christmas day until sunday afternoon) to celebrate christmas with his family. Things for us had been so incredible for as long as we had been together, and then some things turned weird. I could start to feel his feeligns changing for me..and later I came to realize that it was my own fault. I turned my back on all of my friends and ditched them all the time and gave up everything for him. I was too available, and maybe too clingy which made him unattracted to me. So we decided to try and make things work. So the next day we went out on a date and everything was incredible and he kissed me the way that he used to. The next weekend we went to church together, which is a big deal..because he's christian, I'm atheist. He once told me that "if I didnt want you to be my girlfriend for a really long time I wouldn't ask you to come to church with me. we were put together for a reason." It was an icnredible experience. We thn went downtown for lunch and he paid...went and did some fun things, looked at graffiti and went to some record stores..a cigar shop and bought some really expensive, but AWESOME cigarettes..because I just turned 18.
Afterwards we went back to his apartment and none of his roommates were home, so we were all alone. We had fun and played Campaign on Halo 2.. After a while of that we got a little sexual and for the first time in our relationship, we 69'd. Which is a big deal..because..he doesn't like to eat girls out. But anyway. So after all of this I thought I had it on lock. But about 5 days later I realized that he hasn't been acting much like my boyfriend and we havent had sex in awhile. So I sent him a text message, "why haven't we had sex lately?" and he replied "Maybe because my feelings for you have changed?" so I told him that I'd pick him up from work and we'd talk about it. On the car ride to the apartment from picking him upew talked and had fun and laughed..it was great.
Then we got to the apartment and after Soren, his roommate, decided to go to sleep..thats when we decided to talk. He told me that he had lost attraction to me..and I told him that I could tell that..and that I knew why. So I explained myself..and at the same time I was tearing him to pieces. I told him that I think he thinks that I like him a lot more than I truely do (which isnt true at all, I'm head over heels for him). And I could tell by me using this "hard to get" type of attitude..he was beginning to be more attracted to me again. I figure, I can have him back if I just stop being so clingy and available..becaues I KNOW thats the reason things got messed up. So we decide to be in an open relationship...which HE decided on, actually. To me..it hurt. SOO bad..but I had to continue with this facade..because the whole idea was to still be together, but be able to have sex or whatever with other people. which sucked and I just felt extremely hurt and HATED the idea of someone else touching him..or him touching someone else. so he starts to try and kiss me..and I just...something inside of me cant kiss him. it would just hurt. and I told him to stop..I told him that I couldnt kiss him. and he looked at me like he was in so much pain. and eventually we started kissing. which led to sex.
then I drove him to his parents house so that he would be there in the morning so that they could take him to pick up his car since it was done being fixed. we layed in the car for alittle while and talkd about it..and it was to my understanding that this was just him holding on the our relaitonship because he didnt want to hurt me. the next night I invited this guy named david over..knowing that we would do something sexual. I thought it would help me ease my mind with asher..and that I couldnt wait to tell asher I had done something with someone else before he did.
but it felt SOOO wrong to even be looked at by this guy. david would kiss me and it just felt so disgusting and wrong...but that didnt stop me. we ended up just giving eachother head and what not. GOD I sound like such a slut. im sorry. I've just got a high sex drive. im not unfaithful..this was the LAST thing I had wanted to do. so I told asher..and he asked me if I had a good time.
I told him it was weird kissing someone else..but sure, it was fun. and he continued to text me...even when I wasnt texting back. and later that night I brought some friends over to the apartment for him to meet. he acted like we hadnt ever been together at all..even though just earlier he was sending me sweet texts and calling me babe and baby and everything. so friday theres a party at the apartment.. and while im there I totally act like I don't need him, don't want him, and am fine on my own..hanging out with everyone else and dancing..having a great time.. I can feel him looking at me the whole night. we danced a couple of times..touchd a couple of times. and we ended up falling asleep with eachother on the couch. I woke him up for work the next morning because he asked me to..only for him to go and find out he didnt have to work..he then came back and laid with me on the couch AGAIN... even though his bed is empty and he could go sleep in that. we had kissed a lot too while cuddling on the couch. so later on that night we all go to a movie and weve got our elbows on the same armrest...and I jokingly push his off. he then laughs and puts his hand on my leg..then creeps up and holds my hand. after awhile the arm rest was hurting his arm or something so he moved it out of the way and just held me for the rest of the movie. when we came home he had to get ready for bed because it was about 12:30 and he had work at 7:30 AM..
so he told everyone he was going to get ready for bed. I was sitting at the table, smoking cigarettes and talking with people...and to my surprise he sneaks up behind me and gives me a really cute hug, says "goodnight baby" and kisses me. so WHAT am I supposed to think?? hes trying a LOT more than I am at this point..and im doing so well. so later on I go sleep with him. hes asleep by the time I get in there. and then sunday he got off of work and I was already at the apartment hanging out with his roommates(because theyre my really good friends too at this point) and I brought my bestfriend..who is also good friends with him.
so I had a winning streak that night while playing the Wii tennis game..beat everyone..until he beat me. and then he kept beating everyone else. and I went and sat down next to him and he laid his head in my lap and started to suck at the games..and started losing...so I laughed and got up and said "im making you lose!" lol and he jumped..basically..and said "NOOO! come back here!" and pulled my pants towards him and made me sit there. it was really cute.
after that they went to go sit at the table and I sat kind of far from him..and he made a comment "why do you always sit so far away?" so I moved closer. and then later on that night when I left we were kissing/making out for 10 minutes at the door. the most passionate kisses. amazing.
sooo the next day my bestfriend and I skip school and she texts him and says "hey me and steph didnt need to go to school today. want to hang out?" this was early in the morning..and his first day at college! so he said yeah. meet me at the apartment. we were hanging out for a little bit and then he realized his first class started in like 5 minutes..so he left. didnt see him for the rest of the day but we were texting the whole day..he was even calling me baby and everything. so later on I was at my house sleeping andi got a textfrom him saking me to meet him at Aldi and go grocery shopping with him.
I told him that I neeed to get gas and whatever and he told me to not worry about it because hes almost done..and just meet him at the apartment. so once I got there..everything was fun and excited and talkative..it was just me, him, and his roommate soren. he asked me to come in the room..and we sat on his bed. and he said so I've been thinking...and im thinking that this is going to be good because of the way hes been acting lately...
he said "this whole open relationship thing is just making both of us feel awkward. so I think we should just break up." he then told me it hurt his feelings friday when I was semi "ignoring" him...andhe said one of the reasons for breakig up was because he thought that I wasnt acting like his girlfriend even though we technically were still in a relationship. and THEN he tells me that the open relatoinship thing was just because he didnt want to break up with me and hurt me. but here I am thinking..OKAY...so all of those sweet things thaty ou did, that were NOT expected...NOT required..NOT asked for...those were because you didnt want to be with me? you unneccessarily sleepign with me on the couch...kissing me..being really sweet...was because you don't like me anymore? WTF? I just dont get it. can someone help me out? help me analyze this...maybe give me some direction? we are SOOO amazing together. really. I just think he's confused or something. PLEEEASE help. please. thank you so much. I need this so badly right now.
He obviously does not know what he wants. You know what you want, sure...but you don't need to waste your time waiting for him to make up his mind...not in the way that he's trying to do it; all he's is doing is hurting you. I think you guys should break up. Don't try to be friends if you feel like you don't want to be his friend, but let him spend time trying to figure out what he wants. WITHOUT using you as a method. You obviously have many people around you that care for you, I know you care for him too, but focus on those people who you can count on to be there for you right now...including yourself.
