Home More advice Parents & Family
Recently I asked a question about my brother's unemployed situation. For those who did not read it I will sum it up, My mom left me and my brother about a month ago or so, he and I did not have a job but I found one in retail i am (18) btw and I paid for the past rent and bills the apartment is on his name. He says he is looking for a job but I notice he is very laid back about it he does it when he wants and since I am paying the bills he does not stress out like the way I do. One thing about my brother is that he has always been disrespectful towards me all my life and no one has been able to change that not even my mom and my dad was never around but anyways now he treats me like crap when I am around his girlfriend sleeps at the apt and they start doing stuff and It makes me feel uncomfortable because its only one bedroom apartment, my days off he orders me to clean the house even though he does not do anything all day just goes to the gym. Today he picked me up from work and he was all dressed nicely with his girlfriend and they went out tonight to have fun which I do not mind but in my head i'm like I have to spend all my paychecks on bills when I can be saving for a car or spoil myself with something but I can not because you do not have a job and now you go out and have fun does not seem fair to me. He dropped me off and left I went to sleep like at 2 a.m and he got mad because I did not hear him knocking at 4 a.m. I really did not hear him he wakes me up starts yelling at my face and is kicking me out telling me that I need to leave the house and If "this" is too much for me I need to leave. and by this he means paying all the bills. I feel horrible right now How ungrateful can he be he is always making me feel bad I always have to bite my tongue when he says something to me, I always take it and I feel this pain building inside of me that says I can not let him treat me this way even if I have to go live in a shelter. He puts his pride so up that he doesn't even realize that if I leave tomorrow He will NOT have money to pay rent and bills in one week and he has no job! but he keeps treating me like crap and he gets really violent he told me a couple hrs ago that If I shut the bedroom door he was going to hit me and I was in my bed crying angry and could not do anything about it then a minute later he slams the door. That behavior irritates me throughout the years I have to deal with him calling me ugly all my life and fat . Recently I've lost 35 pounds and he does not seem slightly happy for me he gets mad when I get a little confident about it, I'm tired of him being like this towards me, tomorrow I have plans to contact my mom to see if I can move in with her. We do not have a good relationship but it is better than my brother's I know since I am human I would feel a little guilty about leaving but it's not fair he doesn't stop and thinking before he starts insulting me..I need your advice.
Congratulations on your recent weight loss Cintia! {:^D Keeping up your healthier habits during this stressful time is a sign of real strength and maturity.
I think your plan to contact your mom is a fine idea for you to pursue. But it's not the only one. As Stasha and Kal said, you could look for a place of your own. If you think it would be hard for you to do that independently, you could look for someone to share a place with. Or you might be able to take over your current apartment from your brother. If the lease will be up in May or June, maybe you could hang in there until then, and renew it in your own name. Otherwise, maybe you could find a temporary place (month-to-month rental, or a friend to stay with), and let your brother lose the apartment because he can't pay rent; then go get it back. For any of these options (except living with your mom), it would be good to speak with your landlord first, as Stasha suggested.
Meanwhile, as long as you are living there with your brother, it is very important that you stand up to him and assert yourself - non-aggressively, of course. You do not have to do what he tells you. You can tell him he has no right to speak disrespectfully to you. You don't need to get into an argument with him about it, or to reply to his arguments or insults. Just state clearly what you want him to know, and then let him rant as much as he wants about it. When he is done, firmly restate the same clear message for him. It's best if you have a backup plan in mind when you do this, but you can still do it even without that.
If he does any violence against you, or against the apartment - or if he threatens violence in a way that puts you in fear for your safety - call the police immediately. If you can't call them safely in his presence, leave and go to them. Family loyalty does not extend to accepting physical or emotional abuse. Letting him believe he can abuse you (or anyone) with impunity is a way of abandoning him to whatever inner demons plague him. Only by standing up for yourself can you do him the favor of motivating him to seek the help he needs.
First off Kudos to you for trying to hang in there. I would have left WEEKS AGO. Now that I have stated that it seems to me you should just one day when he is gone just pack up and leave. You have a job and support yourself along with his bum self. I mean my little brothers and I are by ourselves and they BOTH have jobs mind you they are 10 and 14. I mean sure the 10 year old doesn't make much he just mows lawns and trims hedges and what not but he still helps with bills when we sit down and do them. Maybe if you left he would see that you're NOT always going to be there for him when he needs you if he continues to treat you like this. I feel his confidence is driven by how scared he is which explains why he is somewhat controlling too. Mentally you are in a VERY UNHEALTHY living situation and I would advice you to LIVE ASAP. I mean even if you talk to the land lord I am sure he could even help you out in getting your own apartment. Anyways if you ever need anything I am only a message away. :-) Good Luck! <3
stop allowing yourself to be controlled, if you are able to pay the rent by yourself you should move out and get your own place, you're paying for 2 people and you'd probably save a lot of money.
you are giving in too easily, there should be a number you could call or someone you can talk to... this is a form of abuse, and should be reported before it gets out of hand... you'll be stuck like this for life if you dont do something
Thank you guys for answering my question it means a lot to me, I will take your advices!
