A third partner?

My husband and I are both bi and we like the idea of a third partner. We used to flirt with the idea of having another person in the relationship but both of us decided that it’s just too risky to actually carry out. What if something happens? Are they clean? What if we don’t like them anymore and then they won’t go away? blah blah blah… So ultimatley we decided that it’s just a fantasy that puts us in the mood whenever we talk about it. However, I really like the idea of having another woman in our relationship. I’m not a polygamist… well… maybe? I don’t know. The point is… I think it would be nice to have a female life partner in our marriage. Someone to help with the cooking, kids and cleaning aroung the house. Maybe cuddle or have an intimate relationship with. We could fool around when my husband isnt home..or when he is home we can both satisfy my husband. Plus, if I don’t feel like having sex, she can do it and vice versa… It seems like a nice fantasy. The problem is, I have a hard time even making girl friendships. The girls that I meet are so snotty, stuck up or cruel that I just can’t make a friendship last. I always told myself though, that one day I would meet a girl and she would be just like me. We would have things in common more than anyone else. We would go places and have fun and she would be my best friend and maybe even my lover.

So… now it’s happening and I’m scared. I met her, she is just like me in every detail and she has my same sense of humor. For the past two weeks we have been hanging out, going places and just laughing so much. I have a great time with her… and for the first time ever… I have a friend that gets along great with my husband. gasp! It’s amazing it truly is… but now I’m scared? I’ve been trying not to think about her in any way but as a friend because it’s only been two weeks…but I feel like I’ve known her all my life. Then a few days ago she tells me that she is bi. Which made me happy because I’m bi.. but I havent been with a girl since high school. Well, my girlfriend died when I was in highschool and I havent been with a woman since…so I told her this and she understood. However, tonight we were out on the town because she had a fight with her roomate. She told me that she was upset and needed to buy some booze. I said okay and took her to the liqour store which was closed… haha and so we sat in the car talking and laughing and she said “I need booze because I’m in love… or fake love… I don’t know yet and I just need to drown myself to keep from thinking.” I started laughing and said “who are you in love with? that guy at the mall that you always gawk at?” she said “no it’s not him. It’s someone else… but don’t tell my roomate okay? Because he still wants me and if he finds out that I’m in love with someone else he might try to kick me out.” At this point I forgot about the whole “love” thing and said “so you are just using his enfatuation with you as a place to stay?” and she said “yeah, he doesnt have shot in hell with me because I can’t stand him… but it’s better than living with my parents.” And so the topic of love was forgotten because I was so shocked that she was using him for a place to stay… I’ve never been into leading people on but whatever…I forgot to ask about the love thing until later when we were on our way home she asked if she could spend the night with me. I have hard wood floors and a tiny ass bed so I kinda looked at her like “how?” I started laughing and was like “how is that going to work? are we sleeping in the same bed? I don’t know if we will both fit?” She looked at me and raised an eyebrow and said “I can sleep on the floor it’s not a big deal.” I said “I wouldn’t make you sleep on the floor but I don’t see how we could fit in the bed either.” So we both started laughing and talking about fighting for blankets and pillows and then gave up on the whole idea. But now… I’m looking back on it all with unanswered questions. What’s going on? Is this what I always wanted? Is it moving too fast for me? If I start to think of her as more than a friend then what happens? Do I cheat on my husband with her until I can ease him into the relationship as well? Do I tell her straight up… if you want me, then my husband is included? What if she only wants me? Will I want her? Will this screw everything up in my life? What if we make this whole thing awkward and then she doesnt even want to be friends anymore? Can I live without her now that I’ve found her? so this brings me to my question? Do I talk about my fears with her at this point in our friendship and make everything awkward? Do I wait and hope that our bond doesnt become any stronger than friendship? Do I explore this? I want to know who she is in love with? is it me? Do I ask? If I ask and she’s talking about me… what do I say? I don’t think I am ready for this if thats what she meant… or should I just not ask questions and forget about my fantasies… simply think of her as my friend and nothing more?

I’m leaning towards the last suggestion… theres a lot on the table …I want my fantasy to be real but if I screw this up chasing after fantasies then there is no going back.

I love my husband…

Answer #1

Dear safina, I was a little confused with reading your email…you said you live with your husband but you sleep in a little single bed? Perhaps he snores? You also said you were both bisexual. Is your husband not entertaining the idea of another male in the home? It’s interesting that you married in the first place…stats show that bisexuals ultimately are not satisfied with being committed to one sex and that is understandable if they are bi. Having 2 bi’s marry is quite unusual knowing that they will eventually need to seek out and satisfy their other needs. Since you didn’t tell this girl you were bi you are also deceitful as she is for using her roommate. Sounds like some really bad choices have been made from the beginning. Bringing in a 3rd and ultimately a 4th person..your husband will have his needs too…will be a real challenge to say the least. I know with a straight marriage bring others in almost always leads to a break up but in your situation not fulfilling both your needs is bound to cause huge problems as well. Finding the correct partners is your dilemma…this one has started without proper disclosure on your part and you are finding things out you are not happy with. So like anything turning bad perhaps chalk it up to experience and start again. Just remember next time to be up-front about your sexual disposition and treat finding a new partner as a serious commitment and take your time and do not settle for less than someone you are 100% happy with. Sue…good luck

Answer #2

Oh to many questions………she was def passing hints……she wants you…..dont know about the husband but she wants you and she wants a place to stay. Your fantasy come true. Now you gotta work it out. 1st see if its what you really want, dont do anything withher yet, just spent more time with her and get to trusting her becos you have only known her for 2 weeks!

Then if you decide its something you are interested in taking further you need to discuss it with her 1st to see if she is interested 1st…..if she is and it comes up in convo and you talk about the possibilites then you need to discuss it with your husband BEFORE anything further happens. Tell him about your friend, let him get to know her also, invite her over alot and so on, then openly discuss the possibility with your husband. If your husband is then keen the 3 of you sit down and talk things over and come up with some ground rules and so on to make it work. Then take it from there.

Only if you wanna take this risk tho. But you need some more time to think it over and get to know her, dont rush anything! this is your marriage you are risking!

Answer #3

Thanks for your openness with us. You told her of your past experiance with a girl and at that point she could have mooved on you, but she didn’t. You and your husband had talked about a threesome in the past. Try bring up the subject with him first. Then if he is still open to it introduce him to your friend with both of them knowing that there is this maybe/possibily thing for you all. Meet socially for coffee or drinks to talk about it and to give him a chance to get to know where things stand and what your thoughts and desires are. But if he says, no way. And he might, you will still have a marriage that you have done your part to keep faithfully. I don’t think any of you want to have the deep feelings of doubt or wonder what could have/would have or might have been. There are decisions to be made that affect all of your lives so they are best arrived at by all of you. And one area that Sue 90 brought up is your husbands homo needs. Is he willing to have the - added female in the equasion? Please keep us informed? - -Good Luck - - Gino

Answer #4

Well, safina, it’s a little difficult to answer your questions because it’s complicated by the fact that you are a bi married couple (!), but I will try to give you some general adivce. First of all, I don’t understand how can your husband be interested in a third partner which would be a woman - because he is also bi and I think this would imply that he would think of a man for his partner and you of a woman. If he hadn’t been bi, it would have made more sense. If you don’t know the answer for sure, find it somehow, to see if you idea of a 3rd partner matches indeed the desire of both of you (or rather, the s*x of the 3rd partner). Many people haven’t fulfiled their dreams because they got afraid of it. It may be called the fear of success, or it’s quite close. You want something your entire life and when you have the chance - you back out and probably regret it afterwards. I think it’s quite hard sometimes for two people to live together for a longer time (such as a married couple), but imagine for 3!! However, I think you should go for it and explore your fantasies :D I think it would be a good experience and also make you feel good. The thing with the bed is very unclear/strange, as sue90 has mentioned. Maybe you should clarify it for us? Back to your questions:

  1. I think you shouldn’t talk about your fears with her, but wait to see what happens. You forgot how to pick up girls, you’re getting rusty :D You don’t need so many words, because it’s not a negociation, you have to lead the things in the direction that (both of) you want. Let it happen and stop worrying so much! A few details at a time is enough, not all together. You should disclose your feelings (and fears) gradually, in time. Not too much, not too fast. Don’t forget it. And explore it, yes, this is what you’ve always wanted, right? Be courageous!
  2. Yes, you must ask her. But when the time is right and if she doesn’t tell you in the meantime. When the time is right = for example, when you’re drinking something and having fun and talking about yourselves, like you had the chance before. Now that you’ve missed it, leave a little time inbetween and see if she will tell you herself or, after a longer while, wait for a similar occasion and ask her, but make it look casual, ok? :)
  3. If the answer would be you and you’re not ready to hear it, wait some more time and don’t press that answer to come out. Just don’t create yourself any expectations, have a good time, you already have that when you’re with her, right? Stop tormenting yourself with so many questions, relax!
  4. About your husband, it’s unclear for me, but: Don’t tell her straight that your husband is included, and don’t talk to him about this yet! First of all, you don’t really know if you have what to talk about. Second, this is YOUR fantasy, right? And you and her are already closer to one another, so first make your moves and see what’s the outcome of it, don’t complicate the things from the start by involving someone else, even if it’s your husband. Then, after a few times having had s*x, you could bring it about - the 3some. First speak with her and then to your husband. Besides, it would be quite fair, because you have already discussed about the possibility of a third with him, haven’t you? These would be my recommendations. Relax, have fun and tell us how it went! :)
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