why do I hate my self so much?

you were abused and didnot get the chance to feel good about yourself I think. you can stop feeling guilty by at least thinking that you did not hurt the person that they hurt you. also you can think that it is in the past and a while from now they not will remember it. I mean they will not think about it constantly at least. if it makes you feel any better a lot of famous and poetic people were depressed and beaten and abused. Van Gogh was depressed most his life because nobody liked his paintings. Edgar Allen Poes wife died young and he became depressed too. but then he wrote some of the best and most famous poetry in history. and then some famous musician I think it was Mozart, his dad did not like his music so he hit him until Mozart was deaf. and then Mozart wrote a ton of famous songs. so maybe you could write about it in some way. there are other people who have been in your situation I am sure so talk to your friends and ask them honestly if they think it is your fault. then they would tell you it is not and the more you hear it the more you would believe it.