Whattcha think of my short story?

An impenetrable fog lingered low, interweaving itself between all in its path, concealing even the figures of the skyscrapers in the far-off distance, holding everything in sight hostage. An adornment of snow bedecked the road and all else surrounding; even the heavily graffitied footpath remained dormant, suffocated by the layer of snow.

However, this is not what dominated the “outside”; a belligerent wind governed the skies, the ultimate weapon which was and still is the “thing” responsible for the butchering of mankind, or so was its intention, and it intended to seek out all those that remained. In was in the cavity of an overturned tree that Irene embraced her mother’s unresponsive body, clasping it close to her heart of which she longed to stop. Irene writhed in agony, asphyxiated in a frenzy of self revulsion; she brutally pummelled her head repeatedly, attempting to knock the emotions out of her head, to stop their attack, though she was far past the point where her body would respond to any physical pain, she felt emptiness beyond all loneliness.

Her mother was the only person the thirteen year-old girl could pour her heart out to; so many conflicting feelings flowed through her mind, repeatedly colliding, resulting in cries of agony and distress. She had never experienced death before. Her heart was engraved with pain. She was being tortured by her mother’s death, a death she could have prevented…

It was there that Irene remained, for hours, days or even weeks, exactly how long she did not know, she had no concept of time in her heart-felt sorrow. Then came a point where Irene managed to silence her distressed cries, frenetically attempting to perceive, to hear someone, something, anything…! She yearned to overhear the roar of an engine trying to start or the voice of its swearing driver, just something to return her life to normality, to detach herself from these aberrant times but, in the violent wind, sounds ceased to exist…

All she knew was that, in her mind, it was indisputable, there was nothing left in life, humankind obliterated, her mother bereft of life, her friends lifeless, all that had meant anything in her life had been eradicated by whatever the “thing” was, she saw no other alternative, but to put an end to her undying misery…

A massacre of urgency was mounting, stabbing her insides, wrenching at her heart, devouring her from the inside out. She rose slowly from where she lay, quivering, yearning to be united with her mother and friends once more, with one last deep breath she stood tall, looking at her mother’s deceased body, welcoming the devil, the killer of her mother, beckoning it to take her as well. Within a fraction of a second, the wind was striking her head, assaulting her eyes, the formidable wind screaming in her ears maliciously… She needed death. She desired death…

Ok, I know its kinda depressing, but it had to be along the lines of that… lol I wrote this last year… but just thought what you guys think?

Thanksss =]

Answer #1

Some of the words are superfluous, and I applaud you for using them but they aren’t necessary and garble your story.

It’s also abrupt in introducing the character… we go from this beautifully ornate description of the setting and landscape to Irene… and we can’t place her in the setting because we have no description of her or her mother (other than being beaten)

It’s a good start though!

xox Sika

Answer #2

I love writing storys and thats a really good one well done !!

Answer #3

it’s good but that’s not short it’s long so I think your long story is very good!!!1

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