what is wrong with me im stalking my ex girlfriend?

4 yr relationship with someone in the closet …first 2 years were perfect. At the 2 year mark. People started questioning her and I and things started going downhill.. she told me it was her family that didn’t except it and she was scared to lose them if she came out..then it turned to her not thinking she is gay and that this wasnt the lifestyle for her. We would break up and get back together all the time. She said she felt trapped with me and that she was tired of telling me who she’s with and what she’s doing… she would be out with people and whisper to me in hallways so no one could hear us… I felt she only came around when she wanted me to take her shopping or go out and have fun because she was in graduate school and couldn’t afford anything on her own. She’s 26. I’m 27.

These past 2 months she’s been telling me she is not gay anymore …I flipped out. I delt with all the hiding and lying and went along with telling people I was her cousin bc she told me everything would be ok… she left me …told me we need a break and changed her number…I panicked and started emailing. Flipping out… I told her mom we were still together bc my ex told her mom I was stalking her for 2 years…I told her friend I wasn’t her cousin and was her girlfriend…I told her I wanted everything I ever gave her bc I felt she was using me…

We didn’t speak for a week…she emails me…one thing leads to another and she tells me she met someone …I found out her phone records and started calling these 2 guys asking who was * my girlfriend…I lost my mind

She called me after she found out I called them and told me our relationship was over for the past year…I cried … she ignores me now …I knew she would once she graduated school and started making her own money… she met all new friends this past month and still kept me a secret…whispering in hallways and bathrooms… I went crazy…

I feel she took advantage of my love …I put myself in a closet after the first 2 years…I have felt I was disguisting for being a lesbian. Bc if I was in love with her and she couldn’t do it…why could I then? Its been an emotional rollercoaster for me .. I gave up a lot for her… and thought she would keep her word and find a way to come out… she keeps saying she is not dating anyone or seeing anyone…but I know her…she never left anyone she was with till she had someone else…I feel betrayed. And crazy