What do you think of the start of my short story based on fear?

In english we have to write a short story and this is the beginning of it :

I stood there in the shadows, isolated. The sky was dark without stars to enhance it, only the luminous glow of the moon shined its small rays past the leafless branches. The floor was covered in what was left of the snow that had been here since the beginning of the month and the slight breeze that had been swirling around and playing with my charcoal hair turned into a chilly wind which was violently blowing in each direction. It was misty and the only light that vaguely shined was the one lamp post on the corner of the street.

There was water dripping from the tubes that have long been broken apart. Drip, drip, drip. Each drop that fell to the ground echoed and broke the silence for a few moments. Then I became alert. I felt as if I was being watched this whole time, and as though these pair of eyes were set on me to take in every movement I made. I turned around looking at my left and right. Then suddenly I heard footsteps approaching me. They weren’t far anyway. I looked behind me to the lamp that began to flicker violently and then around that corner a shadow had stepped forward. It was him, the one I feared would find me one day.

The alarm went on, and I sat up in my bed,

I already know how im writing the ending, I was just wondering what you guys think bout it

:d thx Redsummer Xxx

Answer #1

ahaha oke heres the ending xD

The alarm went on. I slowly opened my eyes and woke up with a sharp headache. It was dark and it took my eyes a few moments to adjust to the lighting. Gently, I tried to sit up and a horrible shiver ran down my spine. Briskly I pushed the off button on the alarm and got out of my bed, with my bare feet stepping on the ice cold floor. Through the slight opening in the curtains, some sun light had escaped into the darkened room of the apartment. I walked onto the small balcony, reaching for the banister. It was slippery and still had pieces of ice on it. The sky was clear and blue, and there was a small wind blowing. It all seemed so beautiful yet it all felt eerie, especially after the dream which was scary.

My mother once told me that all dreams have hidden meanings, they are not only colorful images to keep us entertained while we sleep. Each and every one is either a warning or piece of the future. Sadly she told me that I should be particularly cautious about this kind of dream. Yes, she has had a similar dream to this one, and it didn’t end very well.

I made my way to the kitchen and my dog padded into the room. I called him Zeke and sometimes on occasions K-9, and there was a reason for that. He was my loyal friend and I always felt so safe around him. He was the only one I had left. I looked at the time and was shocked to see that it was 2 in the afternoon! I quickly went to go put on my shoes and wrapped myself in a thick scarf. I threw my big winter jacket over me and went into the elevator followed by Zeke.

While I walked him, I quickly ran to the nearest shop to buy the daily newspaper. I received a sms on my mobile which was from an unknown number. I opened it to read Look outside the window dear. Completely shocked, I let go of the paper and ran outside but saw nothing. My dog was still sitting there. I decided I needed to go walk my dog and then go home, fast.

I walked to the park, to my surprise no one was there. It would be dark soon and a light mist had already begun to fall and cover the distant buildings. This place was familiar. I always walked my dog here but this time it looked different. There were no stars in the sky and the snow on the ground was slowly melting away. The lights were not working except for one. Then it suddenly struck me. It was like my dream this morning, the same place. I had to get away fast. I turned back but there he was. My feet froze and I couldn’t move. I began to panic. He came closer, and closer. I couldn’t see his face properly but I knew he had put on a grim smile. I cried in agony and then I collapsed to the frozen ground, unconscious.

I slowly opened my eyes. Lots of bright light shone in my eyes blinding me. I didn’t know where I was but what I did know was that I saw that man. The one I have been hiding from since the day my mother disappeared. I blinked a couple of times, and looked up. I saw a white ceiling, and then to the left there were huge white windows. On my right there was a white table, a green plant in a flower pot, and a huge door. The door knob turned and someone stepped in. He wore a white long jacket. I had no clue where I was, but I couldn’t move. I lay there frozen, clinging to a long metal piece that was connected to what I was lying on, closing my eyes.

I could hear the man come up to me and then he asked me how I was feeling. I opened my eyes and waited a few moments so that I could focus them. I slowly got up and he repeated his question, followed by a “don’t move too much”. I asked where I was and he explained I had fallen unconscious and a nice man had brought me to the hospital. I was in a hospital! The doctor waved his hand towards a chair near the door, where a man sat. It was him! I jumped and started to become hysterical. The doctor, at least I think that he was a doctor helped me to calm down, and left the room so that we would be left alone.

The man got up from the chair and walked towards me. I wanted to scream but I couldn’t. I yelled at him to stay away. He came closer so that he was right next to me. He was taking something from his pocket. “You lost this when you fainted Evelyn Rivers” and he handed me my purse. Then he said “I’m sorry I scared you, I just wanted to ask you the time, I hope you’re feeling better now” and he smiled a friendly smile.

BTW the story is called Rivers :P

Tell me watcha think :) RedSummer xxx

Answer #2

It’s good my English teacher would be proud if I could write like that

Answer #3

ahaha yh it was going to be xD, but it had to fit in the range of 800 - 1000 words so yh … I didnt know how I was going to do that so I changed it :) thanks tho :D RedSummer

Answer #4

Please post the ending, I want more… But Yeah, very good stuff. It sounds like an “A” to me. I’m serious though, come back and post the ending.

Answer #5

It’s still a good story but I was expecting a gruesome ending. Still an “A” though.

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