this is long, but im stuck in a hard place, I miss my friend a lot

okay, this will prob be kinda long, so im sorry in advanced.. so me and my first real boyfriend (brandon) dated for about 3 months, and we broke up because we faught too much, and I didnt think that we should be dealing with that when I was only 14. so we broke up, but still talked alll the time (texting/ computer) but never really hung out, anyways I felt like I was still in love with him for almost a year after that, and right before I met my current boyfriend he even admitted that he loved me too.. we never really talked about dating, but I met this other great guy (jordan) and realized that I was never really happy while I was dating brandon, and that he was better as a friend. I still wasnt totally over him though (wich sounds sooo screwed up I know!).. but I knew jordan was interested in me, and I thought he was cute, so we started hanging out, and I started to like him, so I thought that would be a perfect way to get over brandon. but things started to change when I realized that I was falling in love with jordan. I was still talking to brandon all the time though, and we were still good friends. so me and brandon were talking one time, and I started to tell him about how I felt like jordan was kinda controlling, and hes like “you are not the kinda girl that lets a guy push you around, are you sure this is what you want?” at the time, I wasnt really sure, and figured that it probablly wasnt good for me to stay in the relationship…I thought about it really hard for the next couple days, and realized that it WAS what I wanted, and that jordan was only acting like that cause he cared so much. so anyways..then jordan read the convo (would take way too long to explain whyyy he read it, this is long enough haha) and with out giving me a chance to explain -jordan broke up with me and said that clearly I didnt wanna be with him. I could see it in his eyes that he was VERY hurt by the convo, but that he still loved me, I knew if I tried I could get him backi COULD, but I didnt wanna try tooo hard..and push him away.. so I gave him a couple weeks and in short form…we got back together hahaha we realized that we had some problems, but were both willing to get over them together..we were both sooo happy after that, but I knew I couldnt hurt him any more, so I completely stopped talking to brandon…

so its been about four months since I’ve talked to brandon, and he has a girlfriend who I know he loves, and she loves him. when ever I see him come on msn though, I miss him so much (AS A FRIEND) and when anyone talks about him, I get a sick feeling in my stomache.

so, im stuck —I love jordan more then anything in the world, and dont wanna hurt him, see him and brandon used to be friends, but that all changed after that one convo was readd…he hates brandon now, and he thinks I do too! I act like it to protect him, like people arent supposed to be friends with there exs.are they??? I know id freak out if jordan and his ex started talking again (id be way too afraid that id loose him, and I think jord is the same way!) I dont know what to do though! :( I miss brandon a lot, as a friiieeennnd obviously, and really want him in my llife. but DEFFINATELY DONT WANNA LOOSE JORDAN OUTTA MY LIFE!!!