How can I get the strength to leave the abusive scapegoaters?

In my adoptive family I am the oldest of two. I was placed into foster care when I was really little. Lo and behold the first foster parent happened to be the monster that would adopt me. I will just call her monster. Monster made sure to try and convince everyone she could that there was something wrong with me. She constantly says that adopting me was the “biggest regret/mistake of her life”. Here is my childhood first and then I will say what I am blamed for.

I am “crazy/mentally ill”…

At just two years old I was put into developmental studies and she put me on medicine for Fetal Alcohol Syndrom and I found out my mother NEVER drank or did any of that! I was given meds and forced to see psyciatrists, counselors, ect and traumatized. Once I was getting blood draws every two weeks which is a lot when you are three or five years old. They went and held my arm to the table. One of my earliest memories is asking in the parking lot of some study, “Mom do I have to get a blood shot”,(blood draw) and she said yes. I was diagnosed by mainly my monster with ADD, ADHD, Schizophrenia, Bipolar, SAD, Anger Issues, Opositional Defiance Disorder, RAD, FAS, Asbergers, and even Autism. I can name over 25. None of which I had! Almost no one believed me over my monster whom would come up with sob stories on how misbehaved and evil I was, of course my panic with doctors of any kind did not help my cause much. At one point I was put on at least 3 medications which had horrible side effects! When I was 16 the local children’s hospital witnessed me have a panic attack and told me I could have refused treatment at age 13, however this was never known to me and my monster would have never told me of this right. Needless to say I was pissed. My monster would tell everyone she could that I had something wrong wth me aka whatever the diagnosis of the month. She claimed I was whatever and of course this only made people believer her more.

I am “Developmentally delayed/retarted”

As soon as I turned three I was put into a developmentally delayed class and from there I learned only letters and numbers even though I constantly asked to learn something else as a five year old gets bored easily. When I was in first grade I cut myself on the playground and ran away thinking the nurse was going to give me a “blood shot”. Needless to say I was punished at school AND at home. At school I was put in in school suspension, can you image, a first grader? I was put into the normal hallway, which I had never been in and was told not to move. A whole day went by, I was hungry and scared everyone had forgotten me. This also happened when I went with a graduated from the developmental class friend to her normal class to see her lunch box at recess. At home I was spanked badly. My monster constantly threatened to leave me at stores/kick me out. She even tried to force me out of a moving car and stopped all the time, sometimes just to hit me and I would be scared. I was in the developmental class until December of first grade. Needless to say when THE TEACHERS pulled me out and I switched schools I was waaay behind. To make matters worse is I didn’t know how to socialize, our neighborhood never had kids. The other kids knew sentences, wrote them, could read them, and knew their basic math facts. I had a full on para educator which singled me out more. The teacher yelled when I got things wrong. I had an IEP. I was the class retard. Through elementary I was pulled out of class and disiplined worse than the other kids. In middle school the “Study skills” took up an elective and I ONLY had PE. My monster convinced everyone she “just wanted to get me help and learn how to function properly.” Could not be farther from the truth.

Sister…

My little adoptive sister A, won’t say her name is now 16 and still in diapers and sleeps in my mom’s bed. She has dropped out and should be in 11th grade next year. She will be doing schooling online. A has NEVER been to a study/psyciatrist/never gotten blood drawn or even checked out/ no meds ever/ no IEP or special education. NOTHING and yet she had the problem. The jealousy really kicked in when she got into preschool, a normal one, with friends and school plays, and a bigger playground. In Elementary school I had no friends and desparately wanted to play with hers, she said I was harrassing her. She would bully me despite my efforts and was way too cool. I was jealous that she never got meds or had to be taken from class. Third grade we moved to another part of town and I was bullied at school and never allowed to play with neighborhood kids. By middle school she was so mean we hated each other. My monster and dad had divorced when we were nine. My monster only encouraged A.

I am “Disgusting/a disgrace”….

Today if I touch her clothes or monster’s bed heaven forbid they must be washed imediately even if they just got washed as I am “disgusting”. A will literally scream! I cannnot sit in the same room with her or my monster because I am in their presence. I cannot eat their food as I am so gross and they will not eat after me but after each other. We never do ANYTHING together ever. I suposedly “ruin” family holidays. When we eventually do eat or go out, I cannot sit next to A. or in front of her. You know how little kids fight and their parents separate them? My family still enforces this rule. A always gets to pick the seat and I must sit ACROSS from her lest she have a cow. In the car it is the same thing. She sits behind monster and I in the front seat or vice versa, though I think this is stupid, even when the car is full. These are just some of the LAWS I must sit back and deal with. I suposedly can’t be seen in public. Everything I do is stupid. I am ugly. No friends ect. She has never said I love you, never hugged or kissed or even put a hand on my shoulder. If I reach to pet one of our two chihuahuas I never get to bond with she will jerk away, almost making them fall from her arms/ the stairs ect. She will then scream and scare them.

Physical abuse…

Almost every day until I was thirteen (and fought back after being severly beaten for trying to run away) I was beaten with the stick that goes in the door/window. I feared “the stick” more than anything. I was hit for everything, even stuff my sister did, for they could do no wrong. My Grandma didn’t see this or didn’t care. I was hit, kicked, punched, stuff thrown at, arms twisted, hair pulled, you name it through out my childhood. When I bring this up my monsters response is “obviously I didn’t do it enough” or “yeah, I didn’t do it hard enough”.

Emotional abuse…

Everything about me is stupid. I am crazy. I am retarted. I bother EVERYONE. I have no friends. They are just being nice or don’t know how to tell me to go away. I am a , a *, *, prostitute, * idiot, *, , god damn *, freak you name it. I am every name and obsenity. Everything is my fault. It was a joke that I was a homecoming nominee in 11th grade. The highschool was glad to get rid of me. I am selfish, self-centered, impusive, devilsh. She makes me seem as cruel as she is to me!

Doctors…

She wouldn’t take me to a physical doctor when I wanted to go! Only in the last few years have I been allowed to get a flu shot! I had allergies. She would send me to school when I was puking and would forget to pick me up. Yet put an ice bag on A’s head and be at her bedside stroking her hair if she shows a slight fever. It would be years between eye doctors and dental vistits. THE SCHOOL forced her to take me to the hospital when I twisted my ankle. This happens a lot.

Complete issolation…

My sister always had friends I didn’t. I couldn’t go out in the front yard until 11th grade when I rebelled, she wouldn’t let me go to the park or in the fenced in back yard as I would “bother” the neighbors. No one in and no one out. No friends over, could not go anywhere. No extra curricular activities, no religious involvement. Nothing. I could not even “bother” my grandma or my own dad by calling them. School where I was harrassed and bullied from third grade on constantly was my only socialization. The school counselors ect could not do anything even if I told. I couldn’t make phone calls, use the internet ect until highschool when I learned on my own.

Highshool…

She didn’t go to my drama performance this year, she never goes to anything, she didn’t help me at all. At prom she was saying I couldn’t go and I did anyways with some help. When we were talking or yelling about it in the car she said “fine get there yourself (and it was a whole hour away), I hope you get raped/killed/ killed by a drunk driver.” She says this stuff alot. When I was thinking suicide she encouraged me to attempt it saying no one would miss me. I said “fine but when I have a daughter she is going to prom” she hit me in the face so hard. Prom was still okay though. They played the same type of music and just grinded but the veiw was spectacular and fancy. There was a lot of blood, sweat, and tears to get there though. She may not show up to my graduation, maybe my grandma, but NONE of my birth family who are more of a family yet can’t take me in can come. Nope, she hates them as well as me.

I AM BLAMED FOR THE FOLLOWING AND TONS MORE

A not sleeping in her own bed- Because being in the room next to me scared her. How?!

Monster and Dad’s divorce- Because “he didn’t want to be a father”. He said I don’t bother him and she divorced HIM! None of what she says is true! He can’t take me because of his job. Plus he has another family, my step mom’s. Her daughter and daughter’s boyfriend take up all the room. I see him three hours a week sometimes which is awesome.

Monster and her brother’s conflict- Bill doesn’t like me as I bother him. It is not how she treats them but me! My cousin is closer to A and prefers her as a companion because of the age dif. Story of my life. Isn’t it ironic that they live WITHIN WALKING DISTANCE and we see them maybe once or twice a year?! Monster hates them…

The hoard- they were hoarders and it was all MY mess even though they wouldn’t let me throw anything out, let alone give it away! In the end she went in to the hospital AGAIN and that was my fault. As well as MedTech coming in and throwing EVERYTHING out. My cousins were convinced to blame me as well. So did my sister ect. When my cousins redid the house it was ME taking away time from their kids, me being ungrateful ect. I was very greatful! I endured two weeks of emotional abuse with my cousins wife though and helping with her two kids, riding in the care everywhere with them to walch them and even her friends kids, sitting in the car as she went to the smokeshop/ nail place.

Monsters heart attack- because I stressed her out so much! Because I was so cruel! She watches t.v. 24/7 and there is always the “go away/shut up” excuse of watching a movie, new episode, I wanna watch this leave me alone, its the good part, I can’t see, move, oh you inturuped it (What the TV?!). She eats fast food and pop constantly and is over 300 pounds. She takes a bazillion meds. Her lifestyle likely contributed more but she won’t admit it. he is fine but needs a three day surgery for kidney cancer, can’t wait for her to blam THAT on me as well.

Stuck here… I am stuck here but it is not as bad as it was when I was a minor. The abuse is mainly emotional now. I still have PTSD from my childhood, of course I haven’t seen a doctor so I couldn’t know for sure, but that is what I suspect. I have no job or place to go when she does kick me out yet I am afraid to leave and cut out any possible connections with the family members who don’t hate me as she would turn them against me. I don’t know if I could make it. I will be19 on September 14th 2012 but still. I’m not ready! I am terrified.