What do you think of my storyline?

Too confusing?

I am a wanna-be author and my agent says she'll look into it if I can get an aspproved storyline; a sotryline other people will like. It's fantasy and kinda hard to follow... I hope you do!

Life story

In 1879, a pregnant woman (Martha Rivers) is bitten by her own young-adult, newly made vampire, son, Owen. She nearly dies but the baby inside keeps her half alive and she becomes a vampire.

After enduring a 102 year pregnancy, Martha dies in childbirth in 1981. She gives birth to two twin sisters; one vampire, one human. They are raised by the demon clan that gave Martha a safe place to hide in her pregnant state and they name the older twin Luna and the younger October. They raise the children along with another child, Meg. Being demons, they aren’t the parenting sort and often leave the children to fend for themselves or let them go on the streets for days but they treat Luna with a lot of respect. They believe that Luna is a special child, the vampire who was born. They think she is their future ruler and make her heir to their throne; the throne of Hell.

In 1990, at 9, October is killed by Luna’s demon clan because they think that she is too much of a human influence on Luna. Luna discovers her body and she gets so angry that she nearly kills all the clan but after making a small pile of corpses, the leader erases her memory of ever having a twin. She continues to live and play with Meg.
-Luna spends her childhood years playing with October and a bunch of street kids who are looked after by a sweet woman named Jack. Luna helps her care for them kids in her spare time and tells them stories of how they will ‘no longer be street kids, they will be royalty and live as rich nobles, eating as much as they wanted to when she becomes King of Hell.’

In 1991, when the children are about 10, the demon clan meet another demon clan looking for a safe passageway to their homeland. They agree to help and the clans are determined to keep a strong alliance so they arrange a marriage between Luna and another vampire child that the other clan was protecting, Ryan. The clans’ part ways but they leave Ryan behind so Luna and he can bond so they will make good lovers who will rule Hell and produce heirs for the throne.

In 1993, at 12, Ryan and Luna become lovers without even knowing about their arranged marriage.
In 1997, when they are both 16, the clan reveal that they are to be married after Luna’s 20th birthday. Scared at this, Luna runs away to New York. She finds Harry and the gang and they make friends. She meets Owen, her brother for the first time but he smells her blood and knows that she is the baby his mother was expecting around the time he became a vampire. Her demon clan hunt down Luna but the gang manage to defeat them.

In 1998, at 17, the Gypsy family adopt Luna making her and Jada Gypsy mother and daughter and Luna, Freya and Olivia sisters.

In 1999, when Luna is 18, Owen moves away to LA but Luna runs after him. She finds him with a new group; Nicky Lowes, a half-demon struggling to control his demon side and Taylor Hunter, a failed teacher looking for work. They all form a new demon-ass kicking group. Luna recognises an old friend from her street days, Rio, a young Negro demon hunter. He soon joins the group.

In 2001, at 20, Ryan turns up. Announcing that he still loves her after 8 years and it is time for their wedding. She goes along with it as his clan turns up and they watch her every move. She leaves him at the alter. The demons at the ceremony turn on her as she is walking down the aisle and claim that they can control Ryan to make him brutalise her at will. Ryan denies this but unexpectedly grabs her and throws her against a wall. The demons reveal that they wanted the whole of Hell and were going to use Ryan to marry Luna then make her weak so Ryan could rule all of Hell. The gang defeat the demons again and Ryan leaves. In the same year, Luna claims that she can hear people trapped in another world when she meditates. The new gang travel into the world and find a land inhabited by demons that make adult humans work and find young infants and human children good as pets. They discover rebels, a group of humans who lead revolts against the ruling demons. Luna meets a human rebel spy called Matthew in the town but she swears not to reveal his identity. They meet again when she is captured with her friends by the spies when they are suspicious of them. Matthew demands that they be set free on account that Luna was ‘a friend, ally and an angel,’ and he claimed that it was ‘bad luck to kill an angel.’ They manage to free all trapped humans and take back a girl called Helena. Matthew and Luna kiss but Matthew insists that he must stay in the other world to help free all the humans. Luna is heart broken but gets over him quickly.
They get back and life goes on.

A short while after they bring Helena back with them, Luna and Helena realize that they have fallen in love. They form a gay relationship and date secretly. After 8 months; Rio walks in on them holding hands. He swears not to tell.

In 2002, when Luna is 21, tragically, Helena gets possessed by a demon 3 days before her one year anniversary with Luna. She dies from it. Luna reveals to Rio that she was planning on proposing to Helena on their anniversary. Rio suggests that Luna tells the others so she can have time off their demon hunting work to grieve but she refuses, she says that if Luna was to reveal her relationship with Helena, Helena would be there with her.

In 2003, when Luna is 22, Nicky asks Luna on a date. She accepts even though she still misses Helena and thinks that he is just a friend but after that night, Luna and Nicky get intimate and she sees him differently.

In 2004 when Luna is 23, after a year of dating, Nicky’s wife (Emma) turns up with divorce files. Insulted and angry that Nicky was married and he never told, she locks herself away. Just before she leaves, Emma, newly divorced from Nicky, goes up to talk to Luna about her demonism and she also adds just how much Nicky loves her and how he hadn’t had feelings for herself for a while. She convinces Luna to talk to him. Luna does but she says she needs time. She goes to New York to spend time with her family. Nicky follows her and proposes. She accepts and they marry.

In 2005, at 24, Luna runs away leaving a note that she is pregnant even though she is a vampire. She returns later with baby boy, Luca. Nicky and Luna both decide to keep and raise the baby. Nicky gets assassinated by an enemy of Owen’s in 2006. Luna is grief struck for the second time in 3 years and insanely goes out on a killing spree. Owen manages to stop this and calms her down.

It all ends in 2007 with a 26 year old Luna, still single with a two-year-old son in the entry called ‘We All Collide.’ A cult takes away Luna’s soul and she goes evil. She captures her group and the old gang of Harry’s. Lou, a witch, is convinced that the soulful Luna is lost in a place and time in her own life. She does a spell that allows the group to wander through Luna’s life and they discover October’s dying scene. They find the soulful present-day Luna holding a 6-year-old October in her arms. Luna explains that she now remembers her sister and she thinks that when she watched her die, a part of October went into her and that part has now escaped, taking Luna’s soul with it. October, being her vampire sister’s body has forced her to become vampire-esque to fit into her sister’s DNA and also, being dead and trapped sleeping for 20 years has driven her mad. Basically, when you look at Luna now, you actually see October. October and Luna now share body but the DNA being identical and they being identical twins in the first place, it is hard to tell whose body it belongs to. The cult had hoped to instead of unleashing a mad, evil vampire, to have control over a powerful, evil force as they didn’t count on October being free again. They try and blackmail October by saying they have resurrected Nicky. She doesn’t believe them and continues partying, vampire style. Nicky find his way to her and after seeing him for a second, all the memories and feelings of love comes rushing back at once and October doubles up in pain and Luna comes back. Without the immortal power her sister possesses and the fact that was the only thing keeping her alive, October fades into nothing. Everyone is released. Nicky asks Luna to take him back and she does.

2 answers

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ANSWER #1 of 2

There are an awful lot of holes in this story (vampires that age? vampires that rule Hell?), not to mention, it's rather *busy*...there doesn't seem to be an actual plot or peak - just a whole bunch of random goings-on. I have to be honest, I would probably get irritated reading this. However, you do have a creative mind and I'm sure that with a little work you can make your story a very good one.


ANSWER #2 of 2

I know... I get confused writing it...
The whole Hell thing; I create my own mythology meaning I don't follow normal beliefs of vampires. Just her can age and no, it's just her that rules Hell.
The plot is in the years of her life, from the ages of 0-26. It does actually say that she was meant to rule it.
I should have mentioned that there are different entries for each year of her life. So t won't get too confusing.
It does sound more like a TV series... I'll work on it.
Thanks anyways!


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