Stay single or go forward with engagement

For starters... I am a single mom of two girls, who are 12 and 15...

1st: Married to an abusive man (aka BioDad), had two girls, divorced and moved out of state.
2nd: Married my high school sweetheart who helped me raise my two girls from previous marriage. We were married for 10 years; however, it ended after his second affair.
3rd: Divorce was final in Feb of 2008, girls who are 12 and 15 years of age were told about the affairs that their step-dad (aka Daddy) had. I tried marriage counseling to resolve issues and reconcile the marriage; however, he stopped trying and continued with his “catting around”.
4th: My girls, insisted that I begin dating a stop crying so I did. I had met a man who is 9 years old than me approximately a year ago through friends and in April we began talking and my girls insisted that I go out with him. I began officially dating him in April.
5th : Approximately several weeks ago, the boyfriend who I will nickname J asked me to marry him. I accepted yet I had some reservations due to the obvious reason that I just recently divorced but plan to have a very long engagement.
6th: Now, my girls are furious.. they don’t want me to date or much less marry J because for one, they want me to work things out with their daddy, two, they say all he does is want to watch t.v. and that he is ugly and I need to find someone more my age.
7th: My ex, the girls daddy now wants the girls to come live with him; however, I will not allow that for one the biodad will have me in court with my head spinning and two there is no reason why they should not live with me. They say they miss their friends the community and miss having the room to do what they want.. I.e. we lived on a 7 acre land with a 3bd brick home with four wheelers, motorcycles, and access to the river for fishing… now we live in a two bedroom apartment in the city.
8th: They hate living with me because of J who again in their eyes does nothing yet he and I have taken them to the movies, shopping and on a vacation, yet lately we have been shopping for a home and conserving money …. He has never been alone with the girls nor has he ever disciplined them.
9th: I keep trying to encourage the girls that things will get better but I can’t change things over night… they get mad and say things like why don’t you and dad get back together…he wants you back…you won’t go back because he cheated but he won’t do that anymore…I tell them no he literally just got back from vegas with one of his women and there is no way I want to live my life wondering if he would stay faithful.
10th: Now, with that being said they are and have been for the last several weeks since the proposal by J and my acceptation of same they state they will not live with me if I marry him. They would rather live in Okla with their grandparents or biodad than with me.
11th: I am so confused and hurt… Apart of me wishes that everything could go back to normal but there is so much water under the bridge that it isn’t possible at all for many reasons than his affairs… it was how I found out…explanation … I had been at the hospital with my father who was so we thought on his death bed and I was calling family in from other states, had not slept in 2 days, went home and my ex was having a bbq where I begged him to ask everyone to leave which they did along with him leaving and staying with his girlfriend for the weekend…so needless to say when I found out it wasn’t the best timing for me or for my family to pick me up emotionally when my father was in ICU dying (which by the way my father is doing great now..Thank you God)….now back to too much water under the bridge… I do love my ex after all I have loved him since I was 13 years old and although I would love to pick up my life with him when the times were good … literally my family would never want anything to do with him and have stated so.
12th: Now, I am engaged…trying to move on… yet my world is falling apart… What do I do… Should I break it off with J? I love J… he is good to me.. oddly enough I literally am spoiled by him.. I.e. he does all the cooking and cleaning… all I do is come home and take care of the kids and help him … yet at the same time.. I am confused… because I know it is too soon to get married yet I am ready to have the things that I once did and he can give that to me and my children… but do I risk loosing my children forever because I am choosing to move on…? What do I do?

I know this is long and I thank you for taking the time to read this... I am just very confused and not sure what to do...

2 answers

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ANSWER #1 of 2

I think you need to be single for a few years. Yes years. You seem to need a man to be with you at all times. The fact of the matter is: your daughters are upset with your actions. Your children are your number one responsibility and nothing in the world should deter from their happiness. It is your responsibility to make their lives better than yours was. Right now, it seems you have put all the focus on yourself. I am sorry to be a b*tch, but I am being honest when I say that YOU created all this misery. You focus on misery and the drama within your life and as a result you just get more of the same. You need to make a list right now of what your perfect life would be like (and trust me that includes being single for a very long time and supporting yourself with your own money). I am sure you have full custody of the girls, dont even take bio dad's money. You need a fresh start without any psycho abusive men, or any men for that matter. You deserve to live the life you want and your daughters ESPECIALLY deserve a good life because if they see their mother with so many issue with men and so dependent...well sadly the same thing is going to happen to them...maybe worse.

Again, I am really sorry about my harsh advice, but I like to see people in your situation rise to the occasion, kick themselves in the a$$, and do what they need to do to turn things around.

I would read some books to such as "The Power of Myth" by Joseph Campbell, "The Secret", and any other self help books that deal with raising children.

Also, I think your father in the hospital could be seen as a bit of a wake up call for you. A bit symbolic really. Your father, a male role model, was DIEING. It could be a sign from God to look at your other male relationships and to realize that they are all dieing in a sense as well and that you need to move on and focus on your family!

let me know if that helped and if you need anymore advice!!


ANSWER #2 of 2

You have to do what's best for your children. You can't go forward with a marriage when you are not over your ex. You need more time to heal. If you jump into a new relationship it will nit end good bc of your feelings for your ex and your childrenms dislike for him. You will find a good man that both you and your children love. You don't matter anymore your kids are number one and sacrifices need to be made in order to make them happy and not redsent you. I agree with the prior advice.

need motivation... stay single

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