Should I move out?

Should I move out? My Problem is this:

When I was in primary school I fell in love with a boy called Skye

But then when it came too high school, he got sent to a private all boy’s school far away and I got sent to the local comprehensive.

I thought I’d NEVER see him EVER again and despaired…as I really did love him.

Around about the same time my Grandmother of whom I was VERY close to died. She practically raised me.My mother never seemed to bother with me. However I never noticed this neglect (by my mother)until my Grandma died.

I noticed that I was very unsupported by my mother and in general uncared for. Sometimes she was also emotionally abusive towards me–sometimes she could be so nasty she’d make me cry.

Because of all these things(the death of my Grandma, the loss of Skye and also the uncaring attituse at home) I began to feel very depressed.

Then I made a TERRIBLE mistake:

Somedays I felt so low I found it almost impossible to think about the future and sometimes couldn’t find the will-power to get up in the mornings.I started to refuse to go to school asn I felt so low. I’d been bullied VERY VERY badly at the primary school I went to (before I moved to the one Ian was at)which also made me quite nervous of people and scared of school too.However I recieved no help, no counselling or anything(do you think this was neglect?)

I refused to go to High school on-and-off for the first three years by which time I was REALLY REALLY very behind in my work.I then refused to go to school altoghether as I couldn’t cope any more with my life. I was SEVERELY depressed and wasn’t thinking logically. I ended up having 5 measly hours of home tuition per week, for the next two years which should have been spent in school. Unsurprisingly I then failed all my GCSEs (apart from one, where I got a ‘C’ in English)I felt so depressed. I then have stayed at home doing nothing for the past two years as I have felt too embarrassed to face the world.

However this is my problem:

I am now 18…it has got to the point where I can’t do nothing anymore..I HAVE to do something with my life. I now want??/need to go to college. However I have just found out thet the college I wanted to attend is right next door to the top educational sixth form which Skye goes to. If I go there then I will definantely bump into him&but the thing is he will NEVER EVER be interested in me now (even if he used to be when I was ok).how on earth canI explain to him WHY I refused to go to school? Hes going to think I am a bad person .

But the thing is he’s studying ‘A’ levels at a top sixth form college. And I …..will probably have to go on an Entry level course and learn really basic stuff like how to cook, use public transport etc(basically for absolute dim-wits)

He’ll NEVER EVER be interested in me now. He’s in a different league to me. He’s so clever.but this is killing me. I wish I could be with him more than anything in the world but as soon as he finds out that’s it….my dream…dead……finished

Also even if I go to a different college, it’s inevitable that I’ll bump into him whilst out and about anyway.(I just cant believe that I DIDNT THINK ABOUT THIS years ago&.I just wasnt thinking properly) But If I ignore him then he’ll think I’m not interested I him, when I am. But if I talk to him he’ll not like me anyway when he finds out what I’ve done. He’ll think I;m a terrible person.

Also, one of the reasons why I couldn’t cope with school was because of the neglect/emotional abuse that I suffered at home. I thought that if I moved out into the local Foyer/hostel then it would offer Skye a bit of validation that I couldn’t cope with/was having a bad time at home and he might believe me then when I told him about the neglect. But….if I stay where I am (living at home with my parents) and go to college then he’s going to wonder why it is that I can cope with education/school/college now….but not back then…in short he’s going to think I’m making it up about the neglect.What should I do about this? Should I move out of home?. WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ME MOVING OUT? If I moved out then I thought it would offer Skye a bit of proof/validation that what I told him abou the neglect/me having difficulties at home was true…so he’d believe what I told him. Do you think I should move out of home and into the local hostel/Foyer? It’s just ….if I don’t move out then he’ll wonder why it is that I couldn’t cope with living at home and education back then…but can now. In short he’ll think I’m a liar and I’ll lose him.

Also sometimes I don’t think I can bear to face Skye at all…. and so……. I HAVE DEEPLY CONSIDERED going to Wales and living in a Foyer/hostel there………………. so that I never have to face Skye ever again (because it’s inevitable that we’ll meet) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS IDEA? I live in England you see…in the North West of England. Or could I move out to Wales for a few years…..then after a few years in Wales once I’ve sorted my life out (away from Skye) then come back home/to England again …and try to find Skye then? Or do you think this is a stupid idea?

PLEASE HELP!!! please can you possibly reply by email?? Is your advice free by the way? If not then please don’t reply to me as I’m sorry but I cannot afford to pay