Should I divorce my husband over this?

Ok so this might get a little long but I want to give the background info necessary to understand the situation. I met David in high school, we dated for about 3 years and we loved each other a lot, but he got involved in drugs and trouble with the law, and things went down hill and I couldn’t take it anymore so I left him. I wound up dating and living with a guy for two years (who I didn’t even love, but he was company and kept my mind off David through those hard times), and he dated another girl for about the same length of time. We talked occasionally, and we both still loved each other but I knew if I took him back eventually things would go bad again.

Well after being apart for 2 years, he decided he needed to get his life back on track and joined the Marines. Now when I heard that I knew he was serious about changing because that is a big step for anyone to take, but especially him because of his party-all-the-time lifestyle. So after he was in for about 6 months we got in contact again and I could tell he was changed…he was more mature, and was motivated and had ambition. We realized we never stopped loving each other and long story short we both dumped the people we were with and got married (about 3 months after we got re-connected). It may sound silly but we just knew that we were meant to be together, after so long we still had the same feelings for each other and the whole time apart neither of us went a day without thinking of the other.

So we’ve been married about 5 months now, we don’t live together yet because he is finishing up his school/job training but I have visited him 3 times where he’s stationed and he’s come home twice. Everything was great, I was happier than I’d been since before we broke up and I was so grateful for the way things turned out and fate brought us back together. It felt like my life was finally coming back together.

Well I went and visited him for Christmas break and everything was perfect, was so nice to see him again and I was extremely happy to be there. Then the night before I was leaving to go home, he was taking a nap and he got a text message from one of our friends who was going to be meeting us for dinner that night so I opened it to see if he was on his way so I could wake my husband up or whatever… I still don’t know what made me do it, but I looked through his texts. I trusted him and I don’t usually do things like that, I respect his privacy but for some reason I went through them and found some things that made me sick to my stomach. He had sent messages to two different girls,(they were sent a while ago, but we were married) one of them said “call me, you know you love me” and the other (and this makes me sick even writing it) was a picture of his penis with the caption “thinking of u”. I went absolutely crazy, I woke him up with a punch to the face and just started screaming and hitting him like a mad-woman. I don’t have to go into detail how I was feeling, but the feeling hasn’t really left me yet. He says these are two girls he hooked up with before we started talking again, and they weren’t even on the same base as him anymore (they were in the Navy). When I asked him why he would do that he said it was just “exciting and he liked to get a reaction from them” and that they asked for the picture he didn’t just send it to them… Nothing he said could make me feel better or that it was ok, but I’m so confused as to what I should do now. He said he hasn’t slept with them or anyone since we’ve been back together and I don’t know what to believe. I know he loves me, but I don’t understand how he could do that to me, I could never think of doing anything like that to him. He also had a bunch of pictures of naked girls that he sent to his brother, and his brother would send pics of girls he had…

Well I was leaving the next day and at the airport he (continued) to apologize and say he loved me and didn’t mean to hurt me, that it was all in fun and he would never cheat on me etc. etc. and being that I wasn’t going to see him for another 2 months or so, I didn’t want the last goodbye to be on such a bad note so I hugged him, told him I loved him too but was so hurt by this, he knows how bad he hurt me and he is sorry, but what do I do now? Do I divorce him? I love him with all my heart and want to be with him and I wish I never saw that, but how can I trust him ever again? How can I get past this and try and have a healthy relationship when I can’t stop thinking about this? Please help, I don’t know what I should do and I feel like I’m letting him think everything is ok and it’s not even a big deal since we are on ok terms now and pretty much pretending like it didn’t even happen (we’ve talked on the phone since and didn’t bring it up, because I don’t know what else to say that hasn’t been said). So what now??? How can I stop this from hurting so bad and is there any way we can have a happy marriage after something like this?

Sorry it’s so long, but if anyone had the patience to get through this, please give me your advice! Thank you

Answer #1

First things first, it hurts, it sucks, it’s unfair and trust has been broken. It will hurt less with time, it will always suck and be unfair BUT trust can be earned again. In other words, your relationship can still be salvaged if BOTH of you a truly willing to work at it again. I like what kjk09 said, make it VERY clear that this is NOT the type of relationship you want to have and that of he wants you both to be together then he’ll have to stop seeing, texting, talking to other women, especially ex-lovers. Obviously, you both went into this marriage very fast and now haven’t had the time together people need to get to know each other (in your case, get to know each other again). But this doesn’t mean that you can’t make it work, it just means that both of you will have to be extra patient and work extra hard at making it work. I don’t doubt your husband loves you and cares for you but he needs to understand what type of relationship he wants and you want and work towards that together. He also will have to be extra understanding of how hurt you are and be extra attentive to your needs in order not to loose you. Being apart makes this all very difficult and I personally believe that you must be together in order to truly work on trust issues as well as to get to know each other better. Since this is not the case for the moment, then you’ll just have to see with time if you think it can really work out. The best thing is to talk things through, to be honest about it, tell him it still hurts, and tell him that there are some things you shouldn’t have to put up with.

Answer #2

ok, I can start of by telling you that im not married but I am engaged. My fiance and I have broken up once before because things just werent rite, but we ended up getting back together. The same things started to happen to me. There were texts of girls saying, “wow I can’t believe you wanted me to come over and have sex and you just got engaged” and things like that. Of course when I approached him he, played stupid wit me. So I told him straight up. I told him that I wil let it slide this one time but if this shit continues I will leave. I no this isnt probably rite but I then would sometimes randomally check his phone when I could and he was around just to make sure nothing was going on. After I laid it all out there, things seemed to stop. So I guess I would maybe just tell him exactly what your thinking. Tell him that if it continues that you will divorce him. Then maybe check on whats going on when you guys are together again. Maybe it was just a one time thing and things wil stop.

Good Luck!

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