How to handle my guilty conscience?

Ok please listen and please if you can help,I really need it

Ok I’ll try to make this easy and fast

In have been going out with my girlfriend for 2 years and 4 months,it hasnt been easy cause she is muslim and I am catholic but when we first got together(she was 15,I was 16),it didnt really matter,we just liked being with each other.Now I am 18 and she is 17,its much harder,cause she is lying to her parents about us and its affecting how we see each other and when we see each other.We usually see each other about 2-4 times a weeks which is good enough for me,well…kinda

I dont think we are like other couples,we really do love each other and I know she really loves me,she has done lots and I have done lots to change our ways to be happy with each other.We are mature with each other,I say I am more mature but in reality,I know she is.

Well here is where things turn…I am gettin more and more into my religion,my faith.I am already confirmed and the next thing is marriage(catholic).Well I’ve talked to her about it but she doesnt seem too happy to hear things and as much as I want to really sit down and talk about it with her,we have a lot more problems at the moment and I mean her being 17 and me being 18,have a long way till marrige,she plans to go to college with me after she finishes her last year of highschool.

So as I said,im trying to get into my faith more,and yeah I go to church weekly even though I sometimes miss a mass or two.I feel like there are signs trying to pull me away from her,very strange and weird signs,I randomly saw this lady after a movie with my friend at around 12-1am in the morning and we were talkin to her,she was older around 30-35 and she was a nurse,now I know I shouldnt be talkin to strangers but what can I do…so I talk to her we talk about our lives and its my turn and I tell her everything and she says I should break up with her,I mean,I kinda took it to the heart cause it was such a random meeting,I feel like it was meant for me to hear it and when I say I told her everything,I mean I told her what I am going to tell you now…

Me and my girlfriend as a said have been going out for 2 years and 4 months,but he have broken up 3 times(I broke up with her all 3 times)for stupid immature reasons of me.Well when I broke up with her the last time,(which was well over 7-8 months)I had sex with this other girl and when I got back with my girlfriend I also cheated on her again and did other things but nt sex with another girl,so I have cheated with her really 2 times when I have been with her plus I count the time when we were broken up,so thas 3 times…I felt bad at the time but I didnt think of consequenses and I kept telling myself and convincing my mind,”nothing bad will happen.”Dont believe in Karma”But now its come back to haunt me…

Now that I am gettin into my faith more,and more intact with Jesus,I feel wrong…I feel I have truly messed up something that was perfect.And im gonna be honest,I dont deserve my girlfriend,I feel that I dont deserve someone that has tooken me back 3 times,lost both our virginities to,has been a great girlfriend to me…I just dont deserve her and for quite sometime I think for some reason,we shouldnt be together and me doing all these things to her,its truly wrong.

The last couple of days,I have felt stressed,depressed,alone as if I all my lies and cheating has finally caught up to me…I feel bad,my body sometimes feels bad too,no im not at the point of suicide or cuting myself,I dont beleive in that kind of stuff,but my mind is killing me,I have EXTREME paranoia,stress,depression,I feel horrible,I find myself fighting with my mind to be happy.I try and try to find a solution to this yet I cant,I feel like there is only a few ways out of this…

So now as I am writing this I will tell you what I need help on.I dont know what to do…if I should be with her…and even if I still continue to be with her,should I tell her?I am going to mass today for the first time in about 2-4 weeks,and I will try and ask for confession today.I have seen other people on other sites but I feel like this is the site that has always gave me the best advise,so I come to you…

I feel the options to right my wrongs are either to tell her the truth,confess my sins in a church(even though I dont think my problems will go away),or I just dont know any other way.I’ve tried to fake tell her,just whisper it and say sorry,stupid things but my conscience is so guilty,nothing,no tricks seem to work.Its also good to tell you guys that my mind since I was very little has always been conceided in myself,I have always been into girls,and it gets real hard temptation wise to not talk to other girls or tr and flirt cause before I was with my girlfriend,I used to be all over girls and they used to be like that towards,so now as im trying to adjust,its so hard but im proud of myself because I have stopped tempations and have not done things with any other girl since the last time I cheated on my girlfriend(so about 7-8) months.Yet I always think to think about girls,and doing things but twis my mind.I know a couple of you must be thinking I shouldnt have a girlfriend or I should never have commit such a serouisly relationship with this girl but I never expected me to fall in love with her,she such a great person and I really DREAM of spending my life with her,and a dog,in a nice big house after college.Thas my dream and I tell her all the time,this is a big reason why im writing such a huge advise,I dont want to lose her,I want to be honest with her and start off fresh,but I think that may not be an option anymore.If I really had the chance to go back,I would take it back to have what great things I had with my girlfriend before I am like this…corpupted.I dont like the way my mind thinks,its very complex or so I think,I know I shouldnt be with a serouis girl at my age(18) but its too late,I cant turn back time and unwish her into my life,she is her,and I have done mistakes and I cant live without changing or confess to what I’ve done,maybe someone thinks I havent done that big of a crime here,but to me,I have wronged my girlfriend and I know if I get another chance,I WILL NOT mess up.

As of now,I feel horrible,depressed,sad,few times of the say I feel happy(which I am happy I am still sane)but I feel I must do something before my problems get worsed,remember I’ve kept all of this for months,almost longer than a year,and its defentily come back to haunt me now,I am attending college and have lots of homework so I cant afford to feel so bad,or else I will really mess up my life because of depression and stress and paronia(when I say paranoia,I mean I think about my girlfriend cheating on me,flirting with other guys,talking to guys,my paranoia is really bad right now,my girlfriend I truly think would never do that,she so good to me and expresses her love but its my GUILTY CONSCIENCE that is really killing me)I feel like I cant live like this,I will go to church and pray,I pray every night may I add and I want a lot of people to know,im not a bad guy,I feel like I am a nice person,I never try to hurt people,and im a very loving guy,regardless of my looks and my conceidness,I feel I am a good person,but as you can see…im not near perfect and never will be

Please help,I come to here cause I know someone will help me if not God

I dont think I need pills or therapy(nor can I afford that at this time of my life)

But im gettin to the point that I cant take myself,my signs of parania are bad,stress is bad,depression is slowing thinning me

sorry for a very long post,sorry for repeating myself a lot

Im truly sorry for what I’ve done…please help…