My Husband Lies - I caught him Lying to me about lunch, what to do?

Hello, I need some advice. My husband lies to me all the time. I always find the lies, and when I do he gets really angry and tells me that I am invading his privacy.

He lies about where he gets things. Like he’ll take his lunch to work and then when he gets home I’ll find the made lunch in his truck. Knowing that he didn’t have any money I asked him what he ate and he tells me the lunch he took.

I love him with all me heart but I can’t understand why he would continue to lie to me if he loves me too. I have given him plenty of chances to come clean with all his lies and we can start over and he does and then I will find another lie or two. Please help me. Should I just leave him along and let him lie or is this something I shouldn’t let through the cracks?

Answer #1

I have been married for 14 years and my husband sounds like a carbon copy of yours. He lies about everything. I mean the simpliest of things. Recently I caught him taking time off work and lying about it. He is a police officer and I’m good friends with his Sergeant’s wife. My husband NEVER misses work, for any reason, loves his job because he thinks he’s the TOP COP of all time. Anyway, last week, he was supposed to work Wednesday and Thursday night and he up and says “I think I’m going to call in sick”, I thought this was odd, but he gets paid regardless, so I thought cool, he was doing it to stay home and spend quality time with me and the kids. So I kept questioning him to make sure he wouldn’t get into to trouble with anyone at work, he repeatedly told me no, everyone at work does it from time to time, no big deal. I thought something was a little off about him wanting to call in sick all of a sudden for night shift, but I thought maybe for once his heart was in the right place. I should have stuck to my gut instinct. I got to looking through his pocket calendar in his police work shirt and he had those two days plus two more days the following week already marked off. He had already taken those 4 days off with his supervisor at work, had them preapproved, had concealed it from me, lied about calling in sick and wasn’t even going to tell me that he had taken the time off work! So I confronted him, and when I asked him why he didn’t tell me about the time off work, he said “well I knew if I told you I wanted to take several days off you would have thought I’d been suspended for something bad”, “you’d never have believed that I just took off because I needed time to relax”. Never did he mention that he took off to be with myself of his children. So my best guest is he took off so he could have time during the day while I’m off at work so he could be with someone else or go do something else that he doesn’t want ME to know about. Oh and did I mention he got caught in Feb. of this year having an affair with a 19 yr. old police dispatcher. So his track record isn’t the best right now. He’s supposed to be proving to me that he isn’t a liar and he isn’t hiding things from me. But every time I turn around he is lying about the dumbest things. So I know exactly how you feel. Trust me, if they are lying about little things like lunch and days off work, then they are up to NO GOOD! Find out what he’s doing. If your gut tells you that something is wrong, then trust me, it probably is. My life has been a mess since the beginning of this year, and every time I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach that he is doing something wrong he is. He trys to tell me that I’m invading his privacy and that I’m crazy and paranode and that I need to get a hobby and that I’m imagining things, well I know I’m not. And he’s just trying to shift the guilt and the blame onto me. He’s trying to divert the attention onto me so I won’t see what he’s doing wrong. I’m going to see a lawyer next week. I’ve had enough of the lies and deception. I look at it like this, if this man can lie to me over something as simple as taking a day off work, and conceal that from me, and not share that with me, then he is up to no good. He is obviously doing something he shouldn’t be, if can lie to me about something that small, then he doesn’t have love for me. And I can’t be married to someone like that any longer. I hope you find peace, and I hope that what I’ve written here helps you in some way. Good LUCK!

Answer #2

I hate hearing all of these tragic stories, but it is almost refreshing that I am not the only one. Is lying truly a sickness? Something you can get counseling for? My husband does not know how to tell the truth…started when we met. He said he had a 4 year bachelor’s degree, found out through investigating & him trying to cover it up he does not. Found out he lost his licence…again investigation answered this. He swore that he was not into porn & never looked at it…took my lap top (that my 10 year old daughter uses!) to work & found about twenty different downloaded disgusting movies. He recently got layed off…when I started investigating why he was not getting unemplopyment, I found out he quit!I have been supporting him financially since we met. He always has excuses (lies) as to where his money goes. I have two kids, a big mortgage, big car payment, etc. etc. that I have been working my but off trying to pay while he plays all day & I have no idea what he is doing, because he lies about where he is. I know the answer because I do consider myself a strong, ducated career oriented woman, but this is my second marriage and dammit it is embarrasing!! Why would I ever have picked someone like this? I really want it to work, but as the days pass, I am losing more & more respect for this person & having a hard time trying to love him. What to do???

Answer #3

whats with all the lying husbands? mine lies about getting maxum magazine. he said he no longer gets them but ques what I found out in the barn in a old cooler. yeas recent magazines. he said he didnt get a chance to throught them out but thats what he had been doing with them. he didn’t want to let me know he still got them to protect my feeling. he said it is one of the things he can do to feel like a man. once a month race home get the mail and through it out… what??? oh, and a couple of months ago he said someone must have broke into the house and looked at porn cause he didn’t do that. he said he is nvr home alone to be able to do that. I know theses are lies I have even caught him. and they seem to always be small lies. I dont know what to do. I want to be able to believe him. I love him more then anything. I know in my heart he is not cheating. I think he uses theses lies as in escape from reality. I know we all need that sometimes. with 3 kids, mortgage, car payments…etc.. we all need to escape. but I could nvr lie to him. never.. why do you think he makes those small lies and all it does is hurt our relationship.. I just need to vent and need advice from strangers. friends and family dont always help sometimes.

Answer #4

My husband lies about small things too. It use to bother me. But my husband and I have been together for 10 yrs and we are both in recovery since before we met. Anyway he lied before I even met him according to some members of his family. Anyway my point is I honestly think some people lies are an addiction. I have followed him called on his lunch break gone to where he said he’d be after work and have never found him with another woman just the guys from work. So I wouldn’t jump up and say he is cheating, I’d just wonder if he had an addiction to lies. Like he might think it was kind of exciting to see just how far he could take it. You never know. My husband and I have since had lots of counceling to fix this problem and he’s come along way. A piece of advice though don’t go accusing him of telling a lie all the time or put him down by telling him anything like how can I ever trust you when you always lie men look at that as a mental breakdown and that’s sure to push him away. I’d follow him if nothing came of it then I’d ask him if he thought he might have a problem with liying let him know you love him and you want to help do whatever you can to have a healthy marriage. Good Luck

Answer #5


Answer #6

I don’t think he’s cheating…I do trust him somewhat to not think he’s cheating but, then again most people who get cheated on say that they would have never thought. As far as the lunch thing that I mentioned…he told me that he ate part of the lunch but when I looked the entire lunch was there. Once I asked him about that he said he didn’t eat lunch!!! Come on, who is going to go to work for 10 hours and not eat at all!!! I just don’t know what to do. We have been trying to have a child and this is something that he really wants. It just doesn’t make sense that he would be cheating. Plus he only gets 30 min. for lunch and he doesn’t leave. I don’t know but the truth will come out. It always does. thank you guys for your imput.

Answer #7

Men/women lie because they have low self-esteem. That’s the bottom line. You can’t fix it, only they can, through many, many years of counseling. If they don’t get help, they will always lie, and the lies will get bigger, more frequent, and more devastating. If you value your relationship with this person, you will encourage them to go to counseling. If you continue to put up with the lies, then you only have yourself to blame. Sorry if that’s harsh, but it’s the truth. We can only be responsible for one person’s happiness, and that’s our own.

Answer #8

How long has he been a liar? Did you know that he was a liar before you married him. If he is always lying about the smallest things then you need to decide whether you can spend the rest of your life with someone that you can never determine when he is telling the truth. He may be cheating or just doing something else that he should not be doing. Girl you better become a detective and investigate to find out what the deal is. You both might need counseling.

Answer #9

ok, my husband has caught the lie syndrome as well. He lies to me all the time about the smallest most stupid things its not even funny. I know he’s not cheating and i dont think it has anything to do with that at all. i just feel like he lies, i dont know how to explain it. He tells me he has to lie because he is afraid i will get mad at him about a lot of things which in turns tells me i am too controlling. So now we are working on this together. he says he doesnt want to lie to me and i explained the difference between wanting and doing and i think i have made it pretty clear now. maybe your husband feels the same. maybe they both have problems and need to seek out some sort of lie support group. i dunno but i know that if he keeps lying im gone because i will not spend my life being honest and trustowrthy with someone who the feeling is not mutual. Just a few thoughts. hope something helped. Also, why dont you forward him a copy to this link, maybe the problem is him not realizing that there is a problem. he may think you are just over reacting.

Answer #10

Some people are just compulsive liars. So much so that they don’t even realize that they are doing it. It’s a sickness. It will no doubt tear you apart if he does not get some kind of help for it.

Answer #11

I am so sick of his lies. I am so sick of his excuses of why he lies. I’m sick of being his reason for lying, “because I can’t tell you the truth because you get so angry.” It’s always my fault. Why can’t it just end? Where is God in all of this? Why does my husband punish me? I work so hard, full time as an ICU nurse. I juggle the money to pay what bills I can. I do the laundry. I do the cooking. I make the kids do their chores. But I catch him, and he takes the kids someplace so I have to be alone at the house. He hates me so palpably with his actions.

Answer #12

Takes notes girlfriend… LEAVE HIM ALREADY. He lies to you about little stupid things…Like his lunch??? Are you okay??? Does it not make you wonder what else he is lying to you about??? Would you think he is cheating on you??? I would assume so… I say you leave his ass and go some place you can be appreciated and not lied too… Do you get me???

                    Toronto. Ont
Answer #13

sounds like my husband. Always hates if I ask his schedule or how many days vacation he gets. I think he doesn’t want to tell me so he can take off work and go somewhere without me. He can do flex time but he always choses to go in late and work late rather than come home early. We have 2 kids who get home at 4. Always meeting clients for lunch. Many times when the kids have off so I cant go follow him or anything. But I think he sets these excuses so if I called him at work he could say he was still at the lunch or whatever. One time the receptionist called him at 3pm at home. Somebody was looking for him . I waited like an hour and called his work phone. He didn’t answer. So I called his cell and asked him where he is-he said at work. So I told him about the receptionist calling home. He got mad and said he was in someone elses office having a meeting. This doesnt make sense because they have an intercom and page people when its a work related call. The receptionist got fired. He’s a boss. I think because she could rat him out. I am at the point of maybe getting a private investigator. He also goes to Washington DC a lot. After all that stuff in the news came out he didn’t go for a while and our computer at home mysteriously stopped working and he had to have someone at work fix it. He never comes home for dinner but has no problem leaving work at 3 to go hit the bar with his work buddies before a ball game that doesn’t start till 7. He says its a business meeting because he can run it through the company. Meanwhile my kids never see their dad. I used to be able to access his cell phone records online-never told him that I could. He must have found out when he took the computer for his work buddy to “fix”. Now he got a new work phone billed directly to the company. He went on a business trip to Chicago on a plane and told me he was going with his boss at the time. Later I found out he went with a single female blond who supposedly worked on the account with him. He never told me. I snooped and found out. Now he gets angry and says I dont trust him. He is not giving me reasons to trust. Too many secrets.

Answer #14

My husband lies all the time to. We’ve been married for 3.5 years and together for 5. He lies about eating dinner at Wendys when he told me he was going to eat dinner with me. He lies about being at work when he is hanging out with friends or “someone”. He swears he is not cheating but I am not so sure. He says I am crazy and shouldn’t ask him questions about what he is doing because he is a man and he doesn’t have to tell me. When I first found out he was lying, I purchased a GPS for his phone and for his car. I also bought a voice activated camera that I hid in his car. I still don’t know everything he is doing but I am starting to see more and more lies. When I catch him in a lie though, his answer is usually I don’t know or it’s none of your business. I am trying to work it out but he says I have the problem not him. It’s hard for me to decide what to do. I have a 16 year old mildly autistic son from a previous marriage and a 3 year old with my husband. I guess I have to decide whether I can deal with all the lies. Lying aside, he does take care of us. He pays all the bills. My pay is, for the most part, my money. We only fight about the lying.

Answer #15

my boyfriend lies to me too. well he lies about where he goes to and who he meets there. sometimes he’ll just change the subject and avoid the topic. he lied to me about lunch too. i wanted to have lunch with him but he say he had to go to his grandparent’s house. but later on i saw his brother and the brother told me that my bf didnt go to his grandparent’s house at all. he went out to somewhere else. obviously there’s smth fishy. then, i found out the truth. the prey knocked on my friend’s door and told everything. haha. my boyfriend went to this place to meet up with a girl. and till now he’s still not willing to say who. i know its dumb. but he lies about other small thigns too. we girls always find out whats going on the and guys always think we duno. i talked to my bf abt it and he said that sometimes he wants to keep somethings from me bcoz if im told abt it, i will think too much and accuse him of things. he doesnt wan mi to get hurt too. i guess all guys who lie have a reason. but wheather its gd or bad, its just better to know. but i wouldnt want a partner that lies to mi, bcoz trust is quite important in relationships and marriages. everything will go wrong if trust isnt there.

Answer #16

Wow. All I have to say is there are some serious communication breakdowns going on. You and your husband are partners in life. IN EVERYTHING. Or at least thats how I see it. Call me old fashioned, but if there is no honesty and trust in the relationship, what kind of relationship are you in? How does it make you feel to know you have to ‘babysit’ your husband to make sure hes not doing something that could be much more hurtful than a lie? I would recommend serisously looking into counseling, both separate and together. This doesn’t have to mean the end of a relationship, but I think you both will benefit from the ability to be brutally honest with each other with an unbiased person there to help you both see each others sides. Ask yourself honestly what will my reaction be if I find out he is doing this, or that? Be prepared for anthing, but keep your mind open. Is your husband lying about having time off because he feels smothered, or needs time alone? Maybe he is trying to figure out something big in his life. Maybe he is dealing with problems from past relationships that he doesn’t know how to deal with. Maybe he is being a pig and cheating on you behind your back.My question to you is how much does your happiness mean to you? I have been in an unfaithful marraige, and I can tell you from personal experience, wondering if he is always lying, the constant feel of rejection, the lack of intimacy and trust, is a horrible place to be in, and you are better off in the long run if you look out for yourself first. If you both love each other deeply, then you both will try to work out your differences. Sometimes it works, sometmes it doesn’t. I wish you luck. Stay strong!!

Answer #17

I have the same problem. I have been married for 3.5 years and we have been together for 5. My husband lies about buying dinner at Wendys when he is supposed to have dinner with me at home. He lies when he is hanging out with friends and various places he goes. He used to say he was working but I found out otherwise. I bought a gps program for his cell phone, installed another GPS on his car, as well as a motion activated video camera for the car. I found out he was doing a lot of lying but have not found anything indicating that there is another woman. The situation is hard on me because he takes good care of us otherwise. He takes care of all the expenses, is home every night and weekend and is a good provider. I have two kids, one from a previous marriage and one with him so it is not so easy to leave. I see what kind of impact divorce had on my first son. For now, I am just hanging in there.

Answer #18


I think I’m the first guy writing something here…

My wife sent a link to this conversation. And I must say: I´m in shock! I was reading all the posts and it seemed I was reading about my life. It seems we all caught some kind of a “lying” virus. It’s sad but It’s almost impossible to avoid it. Usually lies have to do with work, house keeping, and lots of stuff. None of these lies have to do with other girls and I already told her about this lots of times. I really understand that after a while accepting my lies its almost impossible to know what is true and what is a lie. We are married since october 2006, and she already gave me lots of “Last chances” but somehow there’s always something that makes me lie. Besides working I´m still studing and a huge part of my lies have to do with this. Even before we get married I lied to her saying that I would finish my “studing problems” in that year. That didn’t happen and she found out only when there was no chance to change things. After that almost every year there’s a new episode about it and I continue lying about it. The problem is always the same: I only do things I like to do, and other things are always late and sometimes I avoid doing them… All this ends with a lie. As I told before it seems I’m just a copy of your husbands and boyfriends and it’s really sad to realize that. Yesterday she found another lie and it was the last… At night I arrived home from work and she prepared the divorce. I really don’t want to accept this cause I really love her. But after all this it’s really hard to find something to say to solve this situation. We tried to talk but as usual she talks I listen and in the end I keep saying that I don´t know what to say, I can´t think about it, I´m tired, and we will talk later about it… (Maybe you all know this excuses)

Sometimes I prefer no to think about it cause I really love him. She is so good to me, specially thinking about what she’s going trough during our wedding, I feel she loves me too and she tried to help me so many times and I just didnt want to hear her… It´s hard to accept there is a problem…

Today once more she tried to talk with me and I couldn´t say nothing…

As I said previously I feel that she love’s me and she’s my friend and I have failed in so many points. I don´t respect her, and I don´t care about her when I´m lying to her.

Two days ago she started to cry after watching a movie on tv: “PS: I love you” And I realized she really loves me, but two days after this I feel like I screwed everything again… I’m afraid I can´t repair it at this point. The only way I feel I can do it its with her help. But maybe she doesn’t want to.She married a man not a kid that needs to be teached to live. I feel like a weight in her live and that’s why I think she won’t accept continue living like this. I just think she deserves better. But I would love to make her happy.

Any idea/sugestion how to solve this? What should I do?

I just love her so much but with all this presure It’s impossible to show what I feel…

Answer #19

I didn’t realise there were so many women out there that had the same problem as me. I have been with my partner for 10 years now and we have a 8 year old son. We have split up twice on both occassions due to the fact that he has met someone else amongst other problems in our relationship which I don’t want to go into. Lets put it this way it wasn’t entirely his fault.

He lies to me now and again, for example says he is going out for a drink with work colleagues just so he can go out with his mates. But a few weeks ago I caught him with another mobile phone (a different one to his normal one), I said give it to me and he said he didn’t have anything. He walked off and hid it and told me I was seeing things, which I know I clearly wasn’t. Anyway I forgot about it as there was physically nothing I could do. Then about a week ago he fell asleep on the sofa and I caught him with it again, it said 9 received messages but had a security lock on it so I couldn’t read them. He told me it was his friends and that he had forgotten the security lock and he was trying to figure it out. It was the same phone I had seen him with the previous time!!! But he phoned his mate the next day and it was as if he had prepped him ready in case I ever found it. I just don’t know what is going on. I don’t think he is cheating as previous occassions he has been veil to me and gone all off me but he’s not he’s still loving and being normal. Could he be using it for porn? The only problem is he puts a pin code on the sim and a security code on the phone so I cannot get into it. Any ideas???

He had this shifty look on his face both times I caught him though and I’ve seen that look tonight when I went out to him when he was cleaning his van, now I just feel like I don’t trust him at all!!

Answer #20

Look, my husband lies about everything including his own nationality. He lies to himself and to everyone else. He can tell me one minute he loves me and as soon as I catch him in a lie, he’s angry, gives me the silent treatment for weeks even months on end and after saying he loves me he will then say he doesn’t care. The truth is if you husband is a habitual liar like mine, you don’t even know who he is. If you can live with that, then god bless you. It is killing me and I find I have no respect for him left, which means there is no love. So what is there, dependency maybe? Scared of what it is to come? The fear of going threw what I should have done a long time ago? I guess…who knows. My husband is a manipulater which liars are, they manipulate you to believe what they want you to think, if you stop them from carrying it out, they act as if you are the one with the problem and place the blame on you as if you should be punished for finding out he is a liar. Your the problem because if you would stop looking you wouldnt know any better! Right? How dare you invade his privacy when your being eaten up with a driving force to find out what the truth is, how could you do such a thing? Of course I am being sacastic, the fact that you look means you don’t trust and that is not your fault, it is his because the atmosphere you live with is filled with lies. If you don’t look, sometimes I don’t, I tune out what he says when I start to think he is lying which means for a good part of the time, I can’t tell you anything he’s said. I live a horrible life with my husband, filled with disrespect, no love, no trust. I’d leave, but how? The bills, the house, the credit, everything will go to hell. Lets not forget the stress of the seperation. In my case, he threatens to leave and never does, we just act as if we live alone. So what is so important that they lie over it to us and then they don’t care what they are doing to their marriage. I am at the end, now I have to figure out how to make that a reality. I hope your life isn’t as miserable as mine, no one’s life should be this empty and lousy to live. So I wish you well and all I can say, is do what you can live with becaue only you will suffer in the long run…like me.

Answer #21

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Answer #22

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