My father died. And I need help to get over my regret

Dear Fau,

I am thirty years old and my dad died three years ago. My parents split up when I was in first grade, and even though I got to see him and hang out with him for a few years, he disappeared and got remarried and had another baby with another woman when I was a teenager. I didn’t see him or talk to him for years and I told myself I hated him for so long that I actually believed it myself. Then he got very sick and called me to tell me that he wanted to see me before he died. I went and hung out with him for about a week, and supressed all my anger towards him because I knew he was dying. After he died, I felt sad, but ok for about two years. I think my feelings of confusion overshadowed my sadness and anger and guilt because confusion and shock does that.

Now, three years later, I feel like a total mess, because I regret never having confronted him about totally abandoning his family and starting a new one up. I never got the answers to the questions I had been wondering about my whole entire life. I feel guilty for still being angry because he’s gone now, and I want to just let him rest in peace so that I can feel at peace myself. So that’s why I say I’m a mess. Because I feel sad, angry, and guilty all at once. Ugh!

I think the best thing you can do to deal with your regret is talk to your dad, even though he’s in heaven now, as you said. You are right when you say that he’ll meet you at the gates. In fact, I think he’s with you all the time, in some form. So talk to him, in your mind, or out loud before bed. Write letters to him, and either keep them or rip them up. Whatever you feel like, because there is no rule for this kind of thing. If I were you, I’d tell him about all the feelings you are experiencing. I’d tell him how sorry you feel for “fake smiling” and all of that, but I’d also tell him that you’ve forgiven yourself, because you had to do so in order to put your mind at ease. Tell him how much you miss him, and tell him how proud you are of yourself for being able to deal with such a tough situation. It’s ok to cry about it, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Every time you cry, you get a little bit of that sadness out. Every time you talk or write to him, you get even more out. In time, you won’t have any more tears left to cry, and you won’t have anything more left to say about the guilt you feel. Because it will all be gone. This takes time.

I think I’ll do the same thing. Thanks for your post. It helped me figure out my own situation a little bit more. I wish you so much luck and happiness!

: )