How do I make amends to my ex-fiancé?

For those of you who don’t know I am currently in NA (narcotics annonymous). One of the steps in the program is to make amends to those you have hurt in the past because of your addictions. The main person on my list is an ex-fiance. I am very skeptical about messaging him my story and my amends, when we had such a bad breakup and haven’t talked for over a year. I did so much to hurt him, I cheated, I lied, I did drugs behind his back etc. I’m afraid that messaging him might do more harm than good. Although, this is a very important step in recovery.

I’m torn: What are your opinions?

Answer #1

Boilerman:

I appreciate your help, I have talked to my sponser about this just recently and she thinks that I really needed to write this letter to my ex. MY alcohol/drug addiction started when I was with him, and he is a huge part of my addiction and recovery. I appreciate your help, I have already written the letter to him though.

Answer #2

I am a sober alcoholic and just celebrated 24 years. Step 9 is cut and dried about making direct amends to such people except when to do so would injure them or others. Amend and apology are two different words. This is a problem that should be discussed with your sponsor if you are serious about your recovery.

Answer #3

Mandyloo I think you will know exactly what to say to him in the letter. I wish you the best of luck in your recovery process and your future.

Answer #4

You trust your counsellor, no? Then I think it would be wise to follow his/her instructions, which in this case would be to make amends and apologize to your ex-fiance. Hurt him or not.

Good luck

Answer #5

I’m talking about my ex-fiance. I am with someone else now - if that is confusing some of you. I do not want him back - I am in a recovery program where you are supposed to make amends to people you have wronged

Answer #6

Bigdady you are really not a nice person. I feel sorry for you, to have so much hate. So what if she made some mistakes, at least she is learning from them,after all nobody gets anywhere without falling first.

To get back to the topic… I think you should do it. It might give him some closure as well if he hasn’t gotten it allready and if he is a decent guy then I think he will understand. Also I think that you should explain exactly why you are coming out with everything now and that you don’t intend to hurt him.And then as above try a letter rather that msging. Good luck!!

Answer #7

That would be really hard to do - I don’t mean to at all discourage you, but my ex did me wrong in all those ways and if he sent me an amend I wouldn’t have a nice reply. If you explain it’s a step towards a better life it might make him realize you’re trying. I don’t know if going into full apology/detail would really be the best thing to do though. Maybe a brief message would be a better idea, a quick explanation and be gone.

But seeing as I was in his sort of position, I’m telling you, don’t expect a nice reply. It really depends what kind of person he is, but if he sends you something mean back please don’t let this get in the way of your recovery.

Good luck love.

Answer #8

Bigdady:

You obviously know nothing of addiction and recovery. Yes, my fiance I am with now knows everything about this. He knows about the making amends step of recovery and has encouraged me to write him a letter. I am just trying to decide what would be best for me in this situation. Your are obviously very young and niave.

Breezy:

Thank you so much for you help.

Answer #9

I’m just afraid that messaging him could hurt him more than I already have. I feel like I have to make amends to him, because this is a huge part of my disease that he was a part of - I dont expect him to forgive me, that’s not what amends is about. It’s supposed to be about getting things off your chest.

I’m just afraid that by freeing myself of that burden - I will be putting more hurt onto him by having to hear from me again.

Answer #10

Bigdady,

Never did I say I want people to feel sorry for me, I also never said that I want this person back. I am with someone else. Also, I had my son AFTER my drug addiction and my old lifestyle, I never did anything while I was pregnant or while I have my son now. Thank you good sir, but you have no clue what you are talking about. My man is not gone - I have him. I’m talking about an ex that I wronged.

You obviously have no clue what NA is or what making ameds means - so why even bother to answer this?

Answer #11

Thank you so much Jess!

Answer #12

Not everyone on here is a child. I myself am 23 years old and there are lots of older people on this site.

Educate yourself, you come off sounding very ignorant.

Answer #13

I would say message him, but fully prepare yourself for how you might feel if you do not hear back from him. You need to do this for yourself. This is an important step in recovery. However, you can not make him forgive you or write back. Accept that you hurt him and tell him what was going on and give him a sincere apology. Whether or not he writes back you need to do what’s best for you and move on with your life.

Answer #14

Thank you Phrannie, I definatly think I will be writing him a letter. That way I can say what I need to and if he doesn’t want to respond he doesn’t have to. Thank you.

Thanks Steph, there’s no need to go into details. I guess I just have to suck it up and get this step over with.

Answer #15

message him if he loves/d you then he will understand adn forgive u…if he is a big enough person

Answer #16

No problem :)

Answer #17

I would say write him a letter. I know what you’re saying about not wanting to bring up hurtful things to him, but he obviously loved you once. So I’m sure you’ve crossed his mind, maybe not recently, but at one time in the past. I’m sure he would like to hear that you’re doing ok now, and that you got the help that you needed and are alive and well. Everyone thinks about their past, and you’re in his, so I’m sure he’d like to know that you’re ok now.

Bigdady…People change EVERYDAY! It’s life, some people change for the worse and some for the better, but no matter what, there is change. You can’t tell me or anyone that you are the same exact person you were 5 years ago, that would be a lie, because as you grow you change. Mandyloo isn’t trying to get back with her ex, she’s just trying to apologize for the hurt she caused him, that’s a mature thing to do. Forgetting and pretending like it never happened wont change the fact that it did! I’m sure the man she’s with now loves her with his heart and would just want to see her at her happiest, with no heavy feelings on her heart.

Mandyloo, write to him! I wrote to someone from my past and it helped both of us move on. My circumstances may have been different, but it was still my feelings, his feelings, and a burden lifted!

Good Luck Jess

Answer #18

I agree with phrannie but also with stephanie…that is to say, I think you have to do what’s right for you and I also think that making amends (write it down letter format definitely) can make a huge difference (at least to you). I think you should also tell him that you were worried this might hurt him but that you thought it would be better that he knew how you truly felt. Of course you can’t expect him to react in a nice way or even read your letter but in the end what counts is that you made amends (at least with yourself). I was never in your position but there are people I cut out of my life because of the hurt they had caused me. One person I did write a letter to explaining my choices and thanking him for the good stuff as well as pointing out what hurt me. I never accepted to see this person again but it made a huge difference to me to get that stuff off my chest. In the end it just felt so much better to have said what I really thought and felt and this is your chance too. As for another person that really hurt me well I ended up running into them after a few years and though we didn’t entirely make amends it was still good to hear “I am sorry and I was a real jerk” and to know that he had thought about me and how much pain I had felt. So this is another reason I encourage you to write it out. Start by writing the letter and when you feel the time is right send it…if not well at least you’ll have written it out and somehow started to make amends with yourself.

Answer #19

thairs not a thing called recovery…its called being hooked

Ah, but there IS such a thing as recovery…and the method Mandyloo is using has been in existance since the 1930’s…I haven’t done a drug or drank any alcohol for 22 years (over 8000 days) …THAT is called recovery…I still use what I was taught when I first got into a 12 step program to stay clean and sober…today.

Wow…where you been bigdady?? I thought nearly everyone in the country had been affected one way or another by drugs and alcohol…hundreds of thousands go into recovery every year.

Steph…the making of amends isn’t necessarily FOR the person done wrong…it’s about “forgiving yourself”…if, by chance the other forgives then they TOO will live a fuller less bitter life…forgiving is an inside job…I’ve forgiven people I’ve never seen again, simply because it’s not good for ME, to carry around resentment…

I’m older than all of ya…by double digits…ha!

p

Answer #20

You should do it anyway…making “amends” is not the same as “blasting them with the truth”…What does it say in the book?? It says that we make amends but we do not use the truth as a club…You can say exactly what you said here…you lied, you cheated, you did drugs behind his back (like he knows all this)…however this is about letting him know that you are truly regretful…Keep the amends in general terms…making amends doesn’t require forgiveness from the other party…This is to allow you to learn to take the footsteps to put your OWN life back together.

bigdady, you either don’t understand the 12 steps or you are missing the point…Mandy isn’t “trying” to get her ex back…she’s not even looking for forgiveness…she’s simply taking the steps to put her OWN life back on track.

p

PS…don’t “text” itm or “message” it…WRITE it out in a letter, on paper…far more meaningful, far more recovery oriented.

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