What if I have no hope after a year of marriage?

ive been married to my husband for just over a year now. prior to that we dated for about 3+ years. i thought i knew at least a little bit about who he is, now im wondering if i know him at all. when i met him he was on dissability due to a back injury in the fire department. since then hes only had one job. and that was part time. recently he quit that job (they changed owners and had different requirements for him). Since July hes been in the police acadamy and finishes in december. however, since he quit his job im the only one left working or bringing in any money to pay bills. if i bring this up to him he gets angry, yells and tells me to “get off his back” and “give him some breathing room”. he also compares me to the other people in his class and how their wives act. ive done everything i can to be supportive of him and his school. helping him get his stuff ready for class, helping him study. and still when i bring up him helping with the bills he gets defensive and angry. earlier this week i spoke with him on the phone in a calm and quiet tone while he yelled at me from the other end. he thinks i make plently of money to pay the bills, but we now found out we have to move, were getting shut off notices in the mail and i cant even afford to buy gas to get to work. he still manages to come up with enough money for his own needs (he HAS TO HAVE pepsi, and anything else he may need for school) i cant even afford to go to the grocery store. i litterally live on one glass of slimfast in the morning and drink coffee or tea at work all day. but when i get home theres no food to cook and no money to get any food. when there is any money in our account i cant spend it because im so afraid we wont be able to pay bills, and then when i check the balance on line i see he has been out buying lunch or tobacco or whatever else he thinks he needs. ive brought this up to him. he gets angry and yells… sometimes threatens to leave me. i love my husband, but i dont have anything left inside me to give him. im beyond depressed but cannot afford to go see a counselor, ive been on anti depressents for years but all they do for me is make me nausious. i cry daily, have very low self esteem and just flat give up on life. ive considered suicide - not okay, i know. and ive determined i would never do anything like that to myself.. but if God wants to take me to heaven im more than willing to go.. i just cant take my own life. i cant seem to do anything to make my husband happy. we fight, argue, or he yells and makes threats. i dont know what to do anymore. he refuses to work, but i cant pay the bills on my own. i try and tell him how i feel and he gets defensive and angry. we rarely have any intamacy between us. and when we do it feels like he does it more out of obligation than anything else - but when i try and tell him how i feel, he gets defensive and angry. he doesnt like my family. He is convinced that they are talking negatively about him (we were in a car accident on my birthday in 2004 - he was drunk, grabbed the steering wheel and we hit the center divider going 60mph, he broke his wrist, i broke a few ribs, and my knee cap and had to have surgery) Ive told him after directly asking my family about there feelings that they are not saying anything bad about him.. and he doesnt belive me. i dont like his family and have said i would not see them again. the last time they came to visit his grandmother cornered me in the bedroom calling me nasty names and telling me i needed to leave my husband and that neither she nor the rest of the family ever wanted to see me again. this whole thing happened right after my sister left my house. His mother witnessed her yelling at me and didnt do anything. just sat and continued reading like nothing was going on. when i asked his grandmother to leave, she refused. i called my husband, who said “i cant deal with this right now”. he knows i will not go to see his family again after that, yet its only a few months later he has been telling me im holding this against his mom and she has nothing to do with it. we wont see eachothers family. were not meeting eachothers needs. i love my husband but i dont know what to do anymore. im sinking lower and lower into a pit of dispair with no hope of ever getting out of it. i know this is alot of rambling but ive been holding it in for so long that i dont know what to do anymore. any help would be so appreciated.

Answer #1

Dear HM, A few things…the way anti-depressants kinda work is they simply mask the root problems people are going through and yours is no different. You are struggling in this relationship, the drugs work to mask your root problem…the problem is that it can only mask it so long and this is exactly why people start thinking about suicide. Because they are not listening to their depression, they are trying to suppress it and think they can drug it away. After years of masking or trying to believe their problems are not that bad, they see their problems not only the same but in alot of cases become worse. Try and find some ways to clean yourself up and off of the anti-depressant drugs..Tell your doctor this and if he says no, explain to him/her the crap that you are living in your life and that just maybe this is why you feel the way you feel and that you want to try a different approach. Different approach?? I believe depression is a great thing..It really is. The problem people make is that they don’t listen to it and don’t allow it to help them make a better, more happy life for themselves. They feel like you, nowhere else to go, stuck in life, slowly losing self esteem, believing they are forever connected to their past choices they made for themselves. But think about it…We as humans all make mistakes..right?? Try not and allow yourself to become forever connected to these mistakes. Try and look at your present situation as nobody’s fault… Not yours, not your husbands, not his family, not your family etc… Try and look at it from the perspective that you nor him really knew eachother prior to marriage (your gut feeling anyway). Even though he may have given you alot of warning signs while you were dating and you (like alot of us) ignored them. Anyway let your depression work for you. Just because you love him try not and allow that to manipulate you into living miserable. You, at some point will need to get away from this situation and take care of yourself. If he is healthy, you would think if he loved you he would work and strive to make your life less stressful, Right? What I want you to look at are his actions… Do his actions tell you that he loves you? Do his actions tell you that he wants the best for you? Do his actions tell you that he hates you to have this financial stress in your life? Be honest with yourself and make your decisions based on watching his actions. NOT HOW HE CAN CHANGE, but what you are watching now and in the past. If his actions tell you he really does not care..don’t fight it..listen to it. This is your key to a better life. If you have to split up, it is not the end of the world. You have to take care of you. I guarantee that God does not want you on this earth to live miserable. The problem people have is making that jump..actually packing up and making the choice to leave and go live somewhere else. By doing this they are telling both sides of the family, they are telling friends, everybody of this new life. What you can’t allow yourself to do is listen to everybody and their opinions. It is really pretty easy…All of us have God given comfort levels and discomfort levels…What makes you comfortable may not make someone else comfortable, or uncomfortable etc… When we don’t listen to these levels and try and fight them, is when we can have alot of distress in our life. It really is great..ask yourself what (and who) brings (you first) comfort and then those around you comfort and make your decisions accordingly. You can’t base your decisions out of guilt, out of obligation, out of fear etc.. There is alot to your situation so lets break it down into steps..OK? Starting today and over the next week center on watching/listening to your husbands actions (WITHOUT DENIAL). If what you see brings you discomfort etc..Begin to plan your life accordingly. Where will you live or who will you move in with etc..You are simply splitting up for a while, maybe this will let him know you are serious..however if you divorce, you divorce and better sooner than later. Remember if/when you choose to split it will be alittle uncomfortable for you..this is merely being uncomfortable with uncertianty..BUT think of the uncertianty as exciting. You are simply stepping into the unkown..HOWEVER you are listening to your God given comfort/discomfort levels so you can rest assure it is the right choice for you. Knowing this will comfort you in your uncertainty..I guarantee it. Don’t be afraid of this unkown/uncertianty.. jump into it with both feet and get ready for a fun life..new relationships..new friends..new financial freedoms etc… So many of us won’t go into this uncertainty because they are fearful, or feel guilty, or feel obligated etc…For now let’s break it down into the first step and if you would like you can funmail me anytime through the upcoming week..But definately by next weekend so we can go over the next weeks game plan.. This is a start to your new life…I really believe it!! STAY FOCUSED and stay in touch..and good-luck!! Familycoach

Answer #2

Don’t worry about rambling, I’ll bet that it was really good for you to vent…I’m no relationship expert, I am struggling in my own marriage right now. You did mention something about counseling. We’ve been seeing a marriage counselor since Feb of this year. We couldn’t afford much either. I did an online search and found a place that will take you and only charge what you can afford, even if it’s like only $5. Please see if you can do the same.

Also, it sounds like to me that you are the mature one in your marriage. Since he seems to be irresponsible with the money that you make, can you get an account that only you can touch?

I also think that you should either separate or divorce. What you describe doesn’t sound much like a marriage to me. You seem to be giving 100% and he seems to be givng very litte. Your mental health depends on you doing something different. You need to take action now…

I am hoping that things will work out for you.

Answer #3

thank you Familycoach, i will do what you suggested. i took some notes to carry with me as a constant reminder to watch and listen to his actions and i will let you know how the rest of this week pans out. i am really so glad that i had somewhere to turn to where people listen and actually give you suggestions on what to do. what a blessing. thank you again. HM

Answer #4

i may be only a kid but i know alot about my parents and their broken relationship. my dad’s having an affair and always yells and gets pissed off easily. my mom cant stand it either and she used to cry alot. but both my mom and i got over him by trusting in God even when it seemed hard. it really helps. in the end God saw us through and we’re much happier people now. seek God for advice. maybe thats what u can do. it was really hard for us, it most definitely is for u, but trust that God will see u through this.

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