Kids and Divorce

How do I help my kids get over there father wanting to leave? How do I help my kids when they know that their father has a girlfriend? They’re only 7, 6 & 4. They are hurt, they tell him that they hate him, they hit him and he thinks that they’re joking (I personally think there must be something mentally wrong with him). He has 2 older children that he did this to and then he eventually let their step father adopt them. They’re scared that’s going to happen to them. How do I help them? I can deal with myself because I know that my kids have to come first and my hurt second. But I’m a stay at home mom (for 3 years), I have no job and he’s trying to kick us out of our house…my kids are scared that they will not have a place to live. How can I help them to deal with this?

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Answer #1

Tell your kids that it ISNT their fault…As a mom and divorced myself, make sure you let your kids express how they feel no matter how silly or extreme it may seem to you…kids have a totally different concept then you have being the relationship with you and their father is different then your realationship with their dad. He will always be their dad and they do love him no matter what they say now. There is no right or wrong way in how they feel, but need to know that how they express it is important. That they have a right to be hurt, angray but that they do not have a right to hurt others in their actions…they also need to have the opportunity to express to their dad how they feel and how hurt they are by his actions and if he is any sort of man, he will assure them(I hope) that it isnt their fault either and that its okk that they are angry and hurt. I’m so sorry for what you and your kids are going through, but remember,,,kids are SMART!!! Dont hind your emotions to “protect” theirs, its okk for them to see mommy cry…they themselves hurt and need to know that its okk to express feelings, good or bad and you are the one to teach them, its HOW the emotions are displayed that matters. Getting angry is okk…crying is okk, let your kids see that you have emotions and that this is not just their issue. In that, you will bond closer with your kids. Assure your kids that they will be taken care of. That you are there for them and they wont be on the street, there are always places to go if worse comes to worse and seek council with an attorney. Especially this time of year, putting you and the kids out of the house will not go over with any courts.

Answer #2

You make sure they KNOW it is not their fault - they tend to blame themselves and can physically very sick over the situation - do not give them details or take sides - be careful to put things in age appropriate terms to spare them painful memories - let them know we make choices in life and need to try to make good ones - this is his/your issue to work through, they are innocents - you seek counsel from wise sources so you know your options and get emotional support from friends/loved ones/church - all of you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Answer #3

Talk to a lawyer…many times the first consultation is free…I don’t think he can kick you out of the house, especially with three small children…no matter what state you live in. I also think, that Pa is a community property state. Even tho your name is not on the paperwork for the house…

If he trys to force you out…call the authorities…if nothing else they will network you with people who can help you.

Answer #4

First of all if he does kick you out and youve got nowere to go im sure you’ll have some sort of refuge for women and children in your position, I went with one of these with my mum. its going to really hard for your children at such a young age to know theyre unwanted by there father. I hated by dad new girlfreind at first but with time they will proberly grow to accept her although seen as though theyre young er this may take llot longer.

You have to give your children as muchlove,care and attention you can possibly give them to make sure they dont feel “unloved”. Tell them that your going through a rough patch but everyting will be ok in the end and remind them that there dad does love each and every one of them. Always speak positivly about your childrens dad, my mum and dad called one another to me all my life and its really upsetting. You need to stay positive. I know that will be ahrd but you have to do it for your children.

Dont you have any other family memebers you could stay with? Im sure theyd be willing to help. Also if the house is joint then its half yours so he cant throw you out can he? Dont you have rights?

Well I hope everyting goes ok, my thoughts are with you xgood luck :)

Answer #5

Well, first off, this can all be taken to court to ease your mind on the fact he’s trying to kick you out. A judge will NOT throw out a single woman and her 3 children all under the age of 10! He’s crazy if he thinks he’ll get away with that! He will have to find some way to make sure that you and your kids will be ok.

Second, I was 8 and my sister was 6 when my parents got divorced. My dad had been cheating on my mom, she knew it, from day one and ignored it for the fear of losing everything also. Then one day she realized it didn’t matter all the ‘things’ she would lose, because she would have my sister and I (In the end, he wasn’t even worried about having my sister and I anyways…). So the day she told him, she sat my sister and I down and told us that ‘daddy and mommy aren’t in love anymore. Daddy loves someone else.’ And that it didn’t mean they loved us any less, but they were going to live in different houses now…I HATED my dad too, and I can’t say I hate him now, but I HIGHLY dislike his ways!

I don’t think, from personal experience, that there is anything that can be said to make them not hate him right now. As they grow, they will slowly accept the fact. I’m not sure how great of a dad he was to know if they have good or bad memories with him. (All I remember about my dad is that he was never home, even on the holidays. And when he was, he spent his time yelling at us for being kids!) But depending on their memories, they will either forgive him and move on or realize that the whole time he was there was worse than him not being there at all.

I guess to try and help them, you can sit them down and tell them to help you write a letter about how they feel and what they want to say to him. I know at their ages it would be hard for them to write it themselves, so just ask them to tell you what they would want to say. That may help them vent their anger a little bit. And I would say, give it to their dad, but he may think you made it up…

I’m really sorry that you all have to go through this. I wish I could help more. Jess

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