Should I kick my 23-year-old son out?

My son is 23 and still living at home. He is a divorced father of a 5 year old. He does have a full time job and has even bragged that he makes more money than I do. I make less than him, yet still managed to raise 3 kids by myself, buy a used car, buy a home and pay all my bills on time. But it’s only enough to make ends meet. I feel guilty if I go out to dinner or a movie. I took my son back into my home two years ago, going on 3 in april after his divorce. I also co-signed a couple of loans for a car and motorcycle. He does and has always made the payments on time, but he will take a shower that lasts an hour, his room is usually a mess, he leaves clothes in the dryer for days. Yet when he wants to do laundry, he complains that I have left my clothes in the dryer. He cooks but doesn’t clean up after himself. For example, last night he comes home with his daughter and starts to help her with homework at the kitchen table and then tells me and my other children who are watching T.V. in the living room to keep our voices down. Then they go to their room and leave all the homework and jackets and backpacks on my table. The other day I was looking all over my kitchen for my hand held can opener, and finally I looked in his bedroom and there it was. He’s in the master bedroom which he shares with his daughter when she is here every other weekend, and he never cleans the sink, counter, toilet or shower. The problem is, I feel she has no respect for my home, He pays no rent, but he does pay his phone bill, car and motorcycle payments, and child support is automatically deducted from his paychecks. I can’t even have a reasonable conversation with him he gets so angry and upset. When I confronted him today about getting his own place because his daughter is getting older and needs her own room, and he said that he doesn’t have her often enough that why should he pay $800.00 a month on rent. I told him too bad, and brought up the fact that he makes more money than I do and that he just spent money to go to Montana for the weekend and he buys electronic games. He said that his trip to Montana only cost him $60. Then he accused me of resenting him. He thinks I just criticize and nag him, our relationship is only good if I never discuss my concerns with him, then he is happy. But bring anything up that he doesn’t want to hear and he gets so definesive. I feel I’m dealing with a rebellious teenager. He said that I would steal have the same house payment even if he did move out, but doesn’t he realize that the measley $60 he spent to go to Montana would help pay the water and electric that he uses. If he moved out, those expenses would definately go down and save me a few bucks. But that’s not exactly the problem. He used to pay me something, then decided he didn’t have to pay me. I want him to be out in the real world and see that you can’t just decide not to pay your landlord because you got big medical bills, or things happen. Does anyone have any advice for me? The always feeling guilty mother

Answer #1

dmc50: I think you already know the answer but just want some emotional support for what will be a difficult situation.

Yes, you should kick him out. I have no problem with parents helping their struggling kids but in your case your son is taking advantage of your generosity and he has become an expert at making you feel guilty whenever you ask him for even the slightest cooperation or consideration.

Kick him out if for no reason other than forcing him to again become responsible.

Chances are when you try to kick him out he will use every trick in the book to get you to let him stay; he will bring up every little thing you have done wrong since he was born and he will promise the moon if you just let him stay. Don’t fall for it. The only thing he is learning from his relationship with you is further perfecting his skills of manipulation..

Kicking him out may estrange him from you but he will keep sponging off of you as long as you let him to. He will probably even use the welfare of your granddaughter as a reason to let them stay but if she sees her dad behave this way what kind of lesson is that for her? Keeping him around is only delaying the inevitable.

Answer #2

my dad kicked me out when I was 21 & I resented him for a short while, but that made me grow up & become more mature, I’m a actually thankfull for that now!

Answer #3

It sounds like you are getting stressed over this situation. It’s very nice of you to let him live with you but the fact is that if your son has a 5 year old kid, is working full time, and is a healthy (no disabilities) person- He should be living out of home! He’s riding the free life living off you and it’s unfair to you, your other kids, and every other 23 year old man out there working hard to pay rent phone and power.

If I were you, I’d have a serious talk with him about what he’s doing with his life etc etc. Let him down gently that you can’t afford to keep him with you anymore and he can either live with you (if you want) as if he’s ‘flatting’ (paying rent, and his share of ALL of the bills, AND tidying up after himself and rostering on dishes, shopping, and dinner duty) or he will have to leave. If he gets angry just tell him to get out. It will be hard for both of you but you can’t continue living like this. At 23 years old, he knows what he is doing is wrong. And with a child of his own, he needs to be standing on his own two feet or else it will just get worse. He will never have a strong life and career if he’s still living at home.

Answer #4

The problem is that he has two vehicles that are in my name and yesterday when I confronted him, he indicated that he could stop making payments, if I make him move out. I cannot afford to take over the payments and don’t want my good credit ruined. He knows he has me over a barrel, and I think he has another two years before his loan is paid off. I would ask him to at least pay 1/3 the cost of water and electricity, but I can’t even discuss with him. He gets so angry!

Answer #5

If the vehicles are in your name, then sell them. Give him the money, tell him to buy his own car in his name, and tell him to move out. You can’t be living in fear of your son, walking on eggshells because you don’t know when he will become angry. It’s not healthy.

Answer #6

He does not have you over a barrel. If he quits paying it will hurt his credit far more than yours. You already have a mortgage, another vehicle that is either paid off or you have been making regular payments on, and a much longer credit history. Granted if your son does renege on his loan it will ding your credit score but it will hurt his far worse. If you kick him out he has to rent an apartment, have dependable transportation, and work. Bad credit will make it harder to rent apartments, buy another car, and even prospective employers will look at his credit report to see if he seems like a responsible person. Yes, he can hurt your credit score but he will hurt his own far worse.

There is a way of negotiating called brinkmanship. The idea here is to keep raising the stakes until the other side backs down. This strategy was raised to an art form during the cold war when the US and USSR were kept from attaching each other fearing mutually assured destruction. If either side went to war even if they won they would loose far more than they could ever hope to gain. Poker players who have a weak hand sometimes raise the stakes until the other players fold; this is called a bluff. Sometimes it works but more often than not the poker players employing this end up loosing far more than they would have if he just folded at the start.

Your son is using brinkmanship. When you threaten something he raises the stakes hoping you won’t call him on it. Since you have always backed down in the past he does not fear any consequences. Even if he does renege on his loan and screw up your credit score it will recover. If your son is psycho enough to try to mess up your life than the quicker you can get rid of him the better.

More Like This
Ask an advisor one-on-one!

10 Properties in 10 Years

Real Estate, Investment, Mentoring


Decs- We Kill Debt

Credit Score Improvement, Credit Repair Services


Estate Planning in New York

Estate Planning Services, Financial Planning, Asset Protection


Nelnet Payment Services

Financial Services, Payment Processing, Business Services


Faraday West

Finance, Real Estate, Self-Employment