I've realized

So what exactly are you saying, that you two are no longer together…again? You cant keep realizing that you love him after every time you keep breaking up. THATS NOT LOVE, thats codependency!! Which is an addiction to an UNhealthy, UNproductive relationship such as yours. Being on & off for 4 years is like a habit, a BAD habit you cant seem to break away from! Codependency relationships cause nothing but pain, yet you cant break free from it. You keep getting hurt, but you keep going back for more in the hope of changing things. You are basically adapting to the needs of him, not yourself. You are in a state of constant grieving for this lost self…you fall in love with them as a reflection of yourself. You become dependent for your sense of self. You feel you cannot live without him, because without him to reflect you, to give you life, you cease to be! You have lost your own identity. You have fallen in longing, not love. Healthy people grow to love, gradually, as they get to know one another. (you just cant fall in love within a week like you both did). The more you try to live through this guy, the more emptier you will feel.

Being unable to leave a relationship because it is familiar, even though you know it is depriving and hurtful, is one of the signs of codependency. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that is learned and affects the ability to have a healthy relationship with others. They have a very low self esteem. They ignore problems or pretend they do not exist. They pretend things are not as bad as they are; they tell themselves it will get better…this is you!

The first and most important thing for a codependent to learn is that Happiness is inside of us, not something outside. A good relationship is good, not because of the person we love, but because of the person we are. One person does NOT make a relationship!