What can I do to improve this short story?

I heard her breath, but i could not see. I wasn’t able to see a soul, not even a glimpse in her eyes. I kept trying to remember her face but it was a black blur. Invisible. She was now invisible to the world. No one knows her name, the sound of her voice, or even the way she looked. In an instant she dropped off the face of the planet. Well i believe it was an instant or it could have been a slow progressive thing. I just can’t remember. Not a single soul could remember. Night after night i pondered my thoughts trying to solve this mystery. Sometimes i got a glimpse of what she was. I remember her alone. Completely by herself, everyone of her friends left her behind, as she spent nights alone in her dark room.

  In my bed i laid trying to conjurer there thoughts, trying to dig into the depths of my mind in hopes of remembering. I spent all my time suffocating my mind with her. I never moved, and i couldn't remember the last time i had eaten. I just sat motionless in place inhaling and exhaling, almost to the point that me, myself was wasting away. Finally after days, or it could have been months, i stopped. No longer did the memory of her dance on my mind. Sluggishly i rose out of my bed making my way over to my mirror where i gazed upon my bone white face. Like a train smashing into me i fell to the floor gasping for air. I know how to breath its all i ever did, why wasn't i able to do it now? 

  The darkness consumed me. Fear lurking in my heart. My memory of everything had came to me all at once. The girl i had so desperately tried to remember flooded into me. This girl everyone forgot, the had escaped from the deepest recesses of people's minds, including mine, was no other than myself. I had completely forgot who i was and in all my efforts in trying to find myself i forgot even more. 

  Tears streamed wildly down my cheeks. With every attempt to see who i was i drifted farther and father away. My hateful obsession caused everyone i knew and love to leave me. By excluding myself from everything, by living in this solitary isolation was the sole reason for me to be forgotten. Now that i had finally realized what i had done it was to late. No one knew me, even if they wanted to. I wasn't even a distant memory. I was non existent. Just like ancient civilizations i disappeared, gone forever. Feverishly i gasped trying to fill my lungs with oxygen but nothing happened. My lungs had collapsed inside my chest and no longer would inflate with precious life. Blurring together the world seem to vanish into darkness. At that exact moment i was able to understand fully i was the cause of everyone forgetting me and because of it i was dieing alone
Answer #1

Add me too it

Answer #2

you know if this was mine i would just leave it the way it is because i really like it

Answer #3

haha that would just make it worse…kidding!! :P

Answer #4

maybe instead of dance “on” my mind make it “in” or dance “upon” my mind but that was like one of the BEST stories i had ever read you should add more and get it publisher!!! :D

Answer #5

published lol

Answer #6

thank you XD i couldnt get a publisher i only do short stories =/

Answer #7

I wouldn’t change a thing just go over your grammar and punctuation =)

Answer #8

For starters, fix the spelling and grammar. Then try to make the reveal a little less obvious. Keep it hidden longer.

More Like This
Ask an advisor one-on-one!
Advisor

A Wedding Story

Wedding Photographer, Wedding Photography, Professional Photography

Advisor

Shopnobilap

Literature, Online Publishing, Community

Advisor

Thebookroom

Book Reviews, Literature, Authors

Advisor

Your Own Writing Coach

Writing Services, Coaching Services, Creative Writing

Advisor

Star Book Writing

Book Writing Services, Book Publishing Services, Ghostwriting Services