Impossible Unrequited Love

First of all, I was not going to even bother posting since I know that all the comments are going to tell me exactly what I already know and what I fear.

Well, this is about as complicated as it gets.. so I will break it down into the simplest way. I am a shy person, not at all a talkative person, one that would keep silent if I liked a girl and would remain that way in fear of rejection. Simply put, I have known a woman for quite some time and we have become as close as best friends could ever become, we know more about each other than we sometimes know about ourselves(philosophically speaking) and our hearts are set to be there for each other through all of life’s problems, even just as friends.

Now, this is where everything that sounded absolute great falls apart… you might want to take a seat. The problem is that she is a lesbian. I… well, am far from it, considering that I am a man. My heart and mind tells me that there will NEVER be anyone like her again and that she is, without a soul mate, whether you believe in that sort of thing or not. I know that without her, I am never going to be satisfied as I know that I could be with her. Unfortunately, as I said, she is a full-time lesbian… not exactly something she can help. She has told me before, had I been a woman or her straight, she and I would be together and never look back. That is practically my dream, but as cruel fate has decided, it must never be. So now, I live day by day, by her side… longing for her to fall in love with me. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way, nor should I keep dreaming of such… but I am so confident of how happy both of us could be. We both long for each other, but her orientation conflicts. Heck, she even once actually questioned her sexuality because of our relationship… but eventually came to reinforce her ideals. I have even confronted her before, which normally… I would NEVER do. I am about as shy as they come. It just seems like my entire soul is attracted to this girl that I am not able to be with and I have no choice but to swallow all of the pain and heartbreak(which is likely never to leave my soul), all for the sake of her possibility to be happy.

Anyway, I am done ranting away. If anyone actually bothered to read this and was not floored by the surprise, I am expecting to hear the flood of negative comments about moving on and finding someone who can possibly love me, etc etc etc. Well, lets hear them… and thanks for listening <^^’>

Answer #1

I’m struck by this line: “but I am so confident of how happy both of us could be.”

Since you could only be that happy if she were someone she isn’t, it seems to me that you have overly romanticized your image of her, falling in love with the idea of her rather than the actual her. There’s really no bigger obstacle standing in the way of a relationship than “I’m not attracted to your gender.” You’re basically wishing that she become someone you don’t know, which is not the healthiest attitude to have toward someone you profess to care for.

All that aside, I think you just wanted to vent, not seek advice. You already know how this is going to play out and what you should be doing. A few years ago, I fell in love with a married girl and carried on an affair with her despite knowing and being told at every turn that it would end horribly. It ended about as horribly as one could possibly imagine, a crushing depression set in, and after the dust settled, I had lost my job and moved across the country to escape the memories.

I’d absolutely, 100% do it all again because being in love feels absolute crackers. So enjoy, I suppose, and hopefully someone who is actually attainable will come along to distract you before this ends exactly how we all know it’s going to.

Answer #2

Well, in essence, she is still who she is despite which way she swings and everything that has happened to her has shaped who she has become. If you are trying to insinuate that I am in love with her because she is that way, you are completely wrong. I love her despite whether she can return those feelings and I can not more ask her to be straight than I a woman.

The meaning of that line is more a reflection that together, we could both move on from our miserable lives and actually have purpose.. in each other(I know you are going to try to source this as further romanticism, but its more related to a deep understanding between each other and its a long story). You might see it as overly romanticized, but I genuinely feel that there is something between us that I will never find again, a connection so profound that it would make someone as reserved as me to want to do everything I possibly can to get her.

And yes, this is more of a way to vent.. sort of get a feeling of what others think of my predicament. I also greatly appreciate your personal story.

[[By the way, I am actually heading off now.. so it will be some time before I will be able to reply, thanks in advance]]

Answer #3

You did it again: “Together, we could both move on from our miserable lives and actually have purpose.. in each other.”


What you mean to say is “Together, we could both move on from our miserable lives and actually have purpose.. in each other if she were straight.”

Which she isn’t. So no, you can’t. Unrequited love isn’t exactly a crime, but you have to be realistic about your situation, and that includes giving the whole truth both to we strangers and to yourself. THAT’S what’s overly romanticized. You can’t keep talking about “what could be” when it couldn’t, won’t, will never be.

I have no reason to doubt you when you say you haven’t ever felt this way about anyone, but that doesn’t mean that the Power of Love is thereby required to grant you a relationship. And just because you’ve never felt that way before and never acted this way before around anyone else doesn’t mean you never will again. Why not say, “I never knew I had it in me,” instead of, “This is solely her doing.”

The next chapter of my story involves finding someone I can actually move forward with, living with her in Brooklyn, and adopting a parrot. So there is indeed life after the misery of misplaced emotion.

Answer #4

Well, first of all.. before I head off(got distracted by a political question), as I clarified in an edit a while before you replied(possibly when you were writing it), I mentioned that was actually a line referring to background information between us. We often philosophically debate about purpose and things of that sort and that was such a topic. You would need better understanding of our history on that one. I should have been more clear on that one, my mistake. I knew afterward you were going to try to use it.

I never said love was by any means a two way street. We do love each other but she just can’t love me in the physical aspect that she requires and that leaves me taking up both lanes, so to speak. I can tell that you obviously think this is a completely romanticized situation(and wording it here as such is definitely not helping my case, but some things can only be described that way), but believe me.. this is as real as love gets and I KNOW there will be nothing greater than what I have for her, not because I place her that high, but because she is truly the closest that I will ever be to happiness. If you want to check back in 30years, I would be glad to repeat this. I would gladly sacrifice anything for her and I am.. in the aspect of letting her move on in an attempt to find happiness elsewhere, if possible. This is a once in a lifetime match and the cards that I were dealt were unlucky.

And I understand your story is trying to help and I greatly appreciate it, but in all honesty.. it has no similarity in this case. Our definition of love can greatly vary.

[[now, I am off for now, take care]]

Answer #5

“and I KNOW there will be nothing greater than what I have for her”

Ah, youth :) There is no limit to what they know.

Answer #6

I was expecting a more helpful criticism, but all you seem to do is try to poke holes… is this supposed to be your form of helping? You obviously have never felt what I have, which I definitely pity you for that(and thats coming from somehow who only has a slight idea of what it could be like).

IF you or someone else wants to give advice or an opinion, I would love it.. thats why I even bothered, but looking at every post for a way to invalidate me is not why I am here. If you want to invalidate people, go speak politics and back up your “wisdom”. Whether you choose to believe it or not, this is more than your “absolute crackers” feeling.

Answer #7

I feel really sad for you. I know what it’s like to love someone so much knowing that you can’t be together.. it is devastating for sure!

Do you think you can still be friends with this woman and look for another woman that is straight and who will be able to meet your needs. I honestly believe that there are soul mates, but I also believe that sometimes your soul mate isn’t someone you are going to marry. Hopefully that makes sense! You can still love this woman, but like a good friend of mine has recently said to me, “love is never a bad thing, and it is constantly changing” you can love this woman forever if you want, but allow yourself to let go a bit and give another woman the chance to love you in the way you want to be loved.

I really hope that helps you!

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