I'm so difficult...

My boyfriend and I talk about having sex, and he wants to do it and sometimes I want to do it too. I’m only fourteen and he’s almost eighteen but I’m mature which is why I’m with such an older person. My mind changes constantly about wanting to have sex. I’d have sex in a heart beat if it didn’t involve me losing my virginity because saying— “Oh yeah I’m only fourteen and I’m not a virgin.” looks bad on my part. And if my parents found out they’d shun me because they don’t even think I kiss him, and we’ve done way more than kiss. And the rest of my family would think I was nasty, and thats the last thing I want.

I honestly do want to have sex, it excites me and its what I want to do, but I know I’m not ready for it. It’s so hard to handle when I’m constantly caught up in moment when I’m with my boyfriend and when I’m just about to do it–I CAN’T! because I’m so young and the I’m so afraid of saying I’m not a virgin. Along with the fact that I’m paranoid out of my mind that my parents will find out or notice that I’m not a virgin. maaan! I don’t know. I’m such a difficult person. I’d like some advice . . .