I'm jealous of my boyfriend's relationship with his ex wife

My boyfriend and I have been constantly fighting for the past 6 months about his relationship with his ex wife. They remain very close friends and I am very jealous of it. I don't think I have anything to worry about, but they were together for 13 years and have a kid together. We moved in together about 7 months ago, and now that we've been fighting a lot, he has asked me to move out. We both love each other very much, but want to try something different. His ex and son live about 4 hours away. He gets to see his son every other weekend and now he's been driving down every Wednesday night to spend time with him and then he comes back and that is where are biggest problems have started. I want to continue a relationship with him, but don't know if I can get past his past. We love each other very much and that's why he wants to try something different to see if we can get our relationship back to the way it used to be. My question is, should I continue to see him even though the problems are still going to be there or should I just move on. We've been together for 2 years. And it hasn't been easy. The only thing holding us together is our love for one another. HELP PLEASE

16 answers

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ANSWER #1 of 16

ok, what if the situation were like this... The Ex has her own freakn issues and will not let my husband see his lil girl unless she is always there?? My husband had a summer fling with this 39 year old woman and she accidentally got pregnant.. she wanted to have an abortion, but then decided not to, and now id super attached to her child... my husband wasn't in love with her, it was just a summer fling .. ( Mind you, I was not in the picture, I met him 1 year later and then we got married.. I understood and accepted that he has a daughter , It didn't bother me.. He used to give her 100.00 dollars a week for the child and he is only able to see her when she has time or when she feels like it and she ( The kids mom ) always has to be there... she didn't get along with any of his family and all of a sudden he gets married and now she's best friends with his mother and still won't allow my husband to see his daughter without her being there... He is a hard working, loving man, who deserves to spend time with his daughter and her not be there ... he came from an abusive home and his parents divorced and re married 3 times and finally went their seperate ways but through those divorces the kids, suffered a lot and he doesn't want to put his lil girl through that, and through the courts because he doesn't want his daughter to go through what he went through.. which , ok, I understand, but still... I am the wife, the one he loves and I need to figure out a way to come to terms with this, and make him understand that he needs to put his foot down.. This female ( his baby's mother ) has too much control over my husband, he gives her over 600.00 dollars a month, and yet he is able to see his kid once every 2-3 weeks... My husband wants us to start a family, but I don't want to bring any kids into this world having to be put through this drama and I don't want that Bi**ch around my future kids... I don't even want to meet his daughter for the same reason, I want nothing to do with them... and it's not the kids fault but my husband is scared to put his foot down and doesn't understand his kid needs more time with her dad, he is missing out on his daughters life because of that witch and I hate for it... he is a great father..


ANSWER #2 of 16

If you are truly in love with him - DON'T GIVE UP. I am going through the same thing, except I am the one who has the great friendship with my ex-husband. We, too have an 8-year-old daughter together. So we will be talking and communicating for a long time to come. But THAT'S ALL IT IS - FRIENDS COMMUNICATING FOR THE SAKE OF THEIR CHILD. We married for the wrong reasons and have never really be "in love". I love my ex like family, like a brother. I understand how very hard this is for you, but as Sean said above, try not to stress too much about it - easier said than done because my boyfriend is just so distraught over this and we are in our mid 40's. I've called him insecure, immature and whatever else, but that's really not fair. He is struggling with this. I've decided that while I can't give up or compromise the friendship I have with my ex, I can try to make my boyfriend feel more secure and at ease. That's where my struggle starts - trying to get him to open up a little more and tell me what bothers him the most about the relationship I have with my ex. I'm more than willing to compromise in an effort to help him get over these insecurities (instead of demanding that he grow up and get over it). Some people just can't do it. They know they shouldn't feel threatened or jealous, but they just don't like the way the interaction with ex makes them feel. Just slow down and don't move back in with him. If he has given you no signs of wanting to get back with her, you should be able to get over this insecurity. Your boyfriend IS SINGLE. There are very few people out there now who have never been married at least once before! Remember, security is being at peace with one's self identity. I hope the you (and my boyfriend) can overcome this. Best to you!

Lynne

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ANSWER #3 of 16

This post is in response to Young & Immature's question.

From the bottom of my heart you seem absolutely crazy! No seriously, you seem to be really, really off. When I first started reading your post I thought you couldn't be serious, but as your letter progressed I started to realize that you were indeed serious. I don't know you from a hole in the wall, but I do know that you are a delusional mess who is immature (as you admitted) and only thinks about her needs and wants. If you think for one second that those kids can't see straight through you and your disdain for them, you are sadly mistaken! You are beyond controlling and although I feel sorry for your spineless boyfriend, if he chooses to stay with you then the responsibility lies on him. You tooted your own horn so many times in this letter that it made me ill. How narcissistic can one person be? I mean really.You basically credit yourself with saving your boyfriends life. If I pick up on the fact that he's nothing without you, imagine the message that you send to him!?! He's an idiot for having you around those kids. Who gives a damn if you decorated their rooms and play a few games with them, when you openly admit that them being around is an inconvenience for you and you are basically doing him and the kids a favor by being in their lives. LOL! You are nuts!. I repeat. You. Are. Nuts! I hope to God that he comes to his senses and sees what type of person you are before he makes the mistake and marry's you. You are not the baggage free, kind-hearted person that you view yourself as. What you are is a piece of work, that need not be in a relationship until you can grasp the concept of other people existing besides yourself!

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ANSWER #4 of 16

lonelyfamilyguy,
Thanks for your response. I'm currently dating a man who has 2 children from 2 different women. The first woman is married and has other children. The 2nd woman is single and they share a 9 year old son together. She does know about me, however sometimes I do feel insecure since whenever we're having problems, he's gone to her, whether its to just hang out or just for someone to talk to. The real problem is, is that he doesn't want us to meet. So, whenever they have birthday parties, gatherings, he doesn't invite me along, claiming that she does not want to meet the new girl. I have to admit that sometimes I do get jealous when she just sends him random text messages or when they talk about their lives (they're both teachers)and are able to relate on that level. I can't help sometimes from getting jealous, when they can connect in that way. He swears they're just friends and he keeps things pleasant for the child and he'd never get back together w/ her. I just feel so insecure sometimes, especially when he tells me he's hanging out w/ the kids and doesn't invite me along. I can't help but feel left out, or a little jealous.

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ANSWER #5 of 16

You cant rtip on that you have no real right. if he is not sleeping with her and you have no proff of any wrong doing it should be a good thing that you dont have to endure his baby momma drama... you are feeling the wrong emotion real talk.

How to make my boyfriend horny?
ANSWER #6 of 16

I am also in somewhat the same situation. My boyfriend's ex wife got pregnant by another man while he was deployed in Iraq. They have two children together and were married for 5 years. They got married young and according to him, they had a bad marriage: she was emotionally abusive towards him and he would stay behind to watch the kids while she goes out and parties. My issue is, she acts like she still has a firm grasp of his testicles and it appalls me because he doesn't put his foot down. He is afraid that she is capable of doing anything with all of her might for him not to be able to see the kids anymore (she has full custody, so he's being screwed $1600/mo). Then she claims she doesn't work, yet she has this business she had established and has the price list on her website for the services she provides. Then she would call him and ask for marital advice from my boyfriend and there he goes entertaining him. He states that he doesn't want HER current marriage to fail so she won't bother her. Yet, I made it a point to him that her current husband would feel more insecure once he finds out that SHE is talking to HIM (my boyfriend) for marital advice while her current husband knows how he got HER. She has been married 3 times before and she's barely 26y/o. I made it a point that his "good guy" appeal towards his ex is hurting our relationship. I am okay with him talking to her when it pertains the kids, but I can't just sit there and look stupid while he's on the phone with her. People would tell me "you're young, no kids, never been married, and smart woman, why not find someone single with no baggage?" You see, he's not a bad man. He's just in this bad situation. Yet, I don't know if I'm ready to become a stepmom to a 5 and 2 year old. I love him, but only him. I've dated doctors, attorneys, engineers, etc. who are single men and yet things didn't work out because they are too controlling and put me down. With him, I really feel loved by this man. But I don't know if I could be in this situation for the rest of his life, the kids' lives, and HER life. I just wish the situation is different. I really love this man. Thank you so much for letting me vent. I've kept it in for so long.

make your boyfriend horny
ANSWER #7 of 16

I totally agree that, if you have never been in this situation you have no idea what it's like and should never offer an opinion. In my situation I am the girlfriend and I live with my boyfriend and have for the last nine years. He has two young children from a former marriage that he has custody of so they live with us. When the relationship fist stated the ex was hardly ever around and hardly ever saw the children. As she got older she realized she wanted to spend more time with the children and I think that is wonderful because the children wanted a realtionship with their mother. It is my belif that the children always come first no matter if I gave birth to them or not. The problem fist started with the two of them fighting all the time and that put a strain on the whole family. Then they would be friends which is good for the kids but she seemed to get to close like she thought she had to boundries. When she got along with her live in boyfriend she would fight and cause problems with her ex-husband, when she was fighting with her boyfriend then she would be friends with her ex and it seemed she would always be around and never give us any privicy. This is not her fault I blame my boyfriend he just won't put his foot down and this has caused problems in are realtionship. I have tried the friend thing with his ex-wife and things went ok for a while then she would get werid again and that would go out the door and I just don't trust her she always seems to have an agenda and to be honest I am tired of always being the bigger person even though I still try to be. I have to be here I love the children like they are my own I have had the them since they were 2 and 4 and they are now 11 and 13 and my boyfriend weather it's right or not I love him and can't imangine life with out him. This is never easy situation you have to decide weather your not going to give up and make things work or move on. I am in it for the long haul.

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ANSWER #8 of 16

OK I AM KINDA IN THE SAME BOAT AS you I RECENTLY (JANUARY) LEFT MY WIFE OF 5 YEARS AND 3.5 YEAR OLD SON BECAUSE THINGS WEREN'T WORKING OUT BETWEEN US AND WE WERE BOTH UNHAPPY IN THE RELATIONSHIP. SO MY NEW GIRLFRIEND OF ABOUT A MONTH IS GIVING ME PROBLEMS BECAUSE EVERY TIME I SPEND TIME WITH MY SON SHE THINKS I'M IGNORING HER OR TRYING TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH THE EX. ALL I'M TRYING TO DO IS SPEND TIME WITH MY CHILD AND THAT'S PROB WHAT YOUR MAN IS DOING TOO. SIT DOWN AND TALK TO HIM AND ASK IF IT'S DEF OVER AND HE WANTS SOMETHING NEW WITH U, IF HE'S LIVING WITH YOU I'M SURE YOU HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. LOOK IN HIS EYES THAT'S WHERE THE REAL ANSWER WILL COME FROM. BUT TRY TO UNDERSTAND THAT SOMETIMES IT IS HARD TO LEAVE your LIFE BEHIND EVEN THOUGH YOUR MORE HAPPY WITH SOMEBODY ELSE AND DON'T WANT THE OLD RELATIONSHIP BACK BUT YOU STILL FEEL OBLIGATED TO BE THERE FOR YOUR CHILD. I don't know IF THAT HELPS AT ALL BUT THAT'S MY 2 CENTS OF THIS SO I HOPE IT DOES.

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ANSWER #9 of 16

I didn't know if I should post a new subject. My situation is quite similar. Just lucky for me there are no children just a dog. I love my boyfriend and his way of always want to help and take care of problems. But he is always doing things for his ex-wife! Winter he snow plows her drive, He gone running over to her house to let the dog out so she didn't have to leave a local carnival. I asked him to quit, that if she wanted him for these things she should not have screw him over with his sister husband. I want away this past weekend. When I came back he let it slip that he went with her and paid for the cataract surgery. This is for the dog she took with her in the devoice His reasoning is the he bought the dog and she couldn't afford it. despite the fact for the past six months he has been complaining about in this economy he is going to lose his business and about how broke he is paying her 600 a week alimony!

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ANSWER #10 of 16

All I can say is wow.
I am the ex-wife trying to look for sites for me. My ex-husband found someone 17 years younger which is his choice but my problem is the jealous girlfriend! As a mother you have to call them when something is up with your child. I do not and will not ever want to be with him but the fact is there is a child involved! His now fiancee is a sweet girl and is very kind to my daughter and that is all I can ask for. The problem I have is that she is disrespectful to me! When I drop off my daughter she has to come down the stairs with him and when he drops her off at my house she has to be by his side. I always am kind and say goodbye to all of them. I am so happy he found someone he gets along with. WE married quickly and got married way to quick without knowing each other well enough. We agreed to divorce for our daughters well being and because we fought all the time but when it came to our daughter we can communicate well.
So, for those that are worried about the communication between ex's, it is only for the kids. At least in my situation. If you can not see that the ex will always be there, at the graduations of the kids, school functions ext. then you should leave.
I let my ex-husband girlfriend pick up our daughter from school, she comes to our daughters school functions and I go out of my way to introduce her to the other parents so it will help feel more comfortable. She is engaged to my ex and if she can not except the fact that he will have to talk to me then she needs to move on.
I do my best to not contact him on his weekends or nights but the only time I do is after dinner to say good night to my daughter. We don't even speak except to discuss any changes in the picking up or dropping off.
She continues to disrespect me by not looking at me or responding to me when I say hi or goodbye. And only when my 7 year old said something to me in regards of "why is tina not talking to you?" did I make a stink about it to my ex. If you are coming into a relationship with someone who has an ex and especially kids you better think of how you act effects the kids. They pick it up. Everything. They sense it. For my daughter I work on continuing to understand my ex's girlfriend. She is young"21" and has insecurities. I am 38 and as a woman you know when we were young we were not the smartest either.
If you are not ready to be step mom then move on because I know as a mother if my ex's girlfriend did anything to harm my child there would be a big problem. Let me make this clear that Tina has come to my daughters school for celebrations when my ex couldn't be there but our daughter wanted tina there too. I said "yes" because it is important to my daughter and her well been.
If all parties can not be grown ups and can not see that the kids do come first! Even when your married and there are no ex's the kids come first.
Being a single mother is the hardest but I would rather be a single parent and get along with my ex regarding the kids then fight all the time.
As Lynn said earlier: THAT'S ALL IT IS - FRIENDS COMMUNICATING FOR THE SAKE OF THEIR CHILD.
So the new girlfriend or new boyfriend need to put themselves in the kids place and you may have some empathy of the kids and understand why ex's work on communicating- FOR THE KIDS WELL BEING!

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ANSWER #11 of 16

Sorry. I'm in a somewhat similar situation...for a similar amount of time. If you are single, just cut your losses and leave. Move on and date someone single. You can never compete with a child and the ex-wife will always be around. AND WHY WHY WHY would you take a step forward and move in together, and then take a step backward by moving out...and STILL stay in the relationship? I know how hard it is to accept and deal with a partner who has a kid and an ex-wife. It's like you have to deal with them all and date them all. Ditch them. Leave and date someone new and single. SINGLE SINGLE! Maybe it might be nice to be the priority for once, right? Trust me.

When I let my boyfriend finger me do I have to take my pants off?
ANSWER #12 of 16

Sorry girl it must be hard on you......the thing is they spen 13 years together and have a son although there marriage was a failure the've spent allot of memories together and were eachothers best friends for that long....if you start thinking that he has feelings for her again "love" then best just step out the way...you can't expect him to shut out his child for you and probabley don't. it's a very hard situation that you're in and best play it by ear....but they are 4 hours away from eachother so it's not like he's gonna sneak out to cheat on you.

let it be, don't stress to much about it, cause it's causing allot of preasure on your relationship...

let me know
Sean


ANSWER #13 of 16

It is not woth staying in a relationship where you fight a lot. His exwife will be in the picture for a long time to since they share a child together. See if you can find someplace else to stay, and try working it out.


ANSWER #14 of 16

Gee, I guess knowing that there's many of us out there only makes the situation a lot easier to understand. From what I see, everything pretty much boils down to the fact that we're just all jealous. We all know that when you start feeling someone deeply and have been together for quite some time or even enough to establish a strong sense of LOVE, then it justifies the jealousness that we feel...if you own something, then you'll do anything and everything to protect it, period. (Especially us females, we're fierce!) It wouldn't make sense to share something that's supposedly, completely yours, right?

Well, the unfortunate matter here is that we got kids involved. What we need to understand is that these kids need both their parents and from a woman who grew up in a dysfunctional family who's parents split up, it feels good to see or know that my parents can communicate cordially. HOWEVER, because we're JEALOUS, we just can't get past that history STILL conflicts with the present.

On my end, I have a wonderful boyfriend; or shall I just say fiance'? I feel a little too old to be calling him a boyfriend, but he's not my husband? A-N-Y-W-A-Y...he has two kids, daughter and son, never married, one was a one night stand and the other conceived in a relationship. The one night stand chick poses no threat. She's unfortunatley a raunchy one and only in it for the child support that she filed when she found out that he was never going to be with her. The second one, well, a year after the child was born, they split up and in comes ME! :)

I've been around his kids for 4 years since they were 2 and 3 1/2. Within our second year together, I made it happen and got us an apartment to accommodate 2 rooms; the kids shared a bunk bed. Now that they're 5 and 7, I moved us into a townhome this year to accommodate 3 rooms so they can have their own. Before me, his family told me that he wasn't that into his kids and because his last relationship was sour, he unforunately was living with his parents so they told me that he really flipped the script and changed since he's been with me. Not only has he been able to get his kids more often, but I got him back into school so he can get a degree.

All of that, he does do a lot for me in return. He understands that I did not bargain for a relationship that included kids so what I ask for, he does. For instance, because of jealousy and insecurities, I dare not meet his past. I requested for him to separate their birthdays and we'll throw one ourselves for his kids and so forth. Working full time and being a full time student, he knows that I need ample time for studying and my balance in social life is him. (No friends--I'm in my nesting period right now) So he has been doing EVERYTHING to make me comfortable. I even requested for him to set a meeting place other than our front door step to do pick-ups and drop-offs and anything for contact should be made through his cell, not the house phone. Am I evil or what? But he understands because we have very, VERY good communication. I always tell him how I feel and he takes it in...vice versa...and we agree to disagree and find a way to make it work. I must give credit to us on that because regardless of how many heated conversations we've had, we somehow find a way to rationalize maturely.

So moving on, he also doesn't ask me to watch his kids or do this or do that all because I made it a point in the beginning that I was never ready for kids yet...however, I will grow and learn over time. Not to say that I never do anything for them...I furnished their whole room to make it look like it jumped out of a Toys 'R Us or Macy's catalog! Ha x3!!! ...and when I do have time, I pull them to the side and do arts and crafts or play games; so I do my part...just not a lot on account of my busy schedule. I'm 27 by the way and he's 30.

So the kids love me, he loves me, I love him...what more can I ask for right? Well here's "MY" issue. As mature as I should be, I really am NOT! I have an issue with him "still" splitting up the cost with their Christmas presents. What the hell is wrong with me? It's like I find things to make the situation difficult. The women, well, the kids' Mom's always hear good things about me from their kids (while we, me and him, hear bad things about them) and they do in fact just talk about the kids when he communicates with them. But that one, the one he had the relationship with, it bugs me when she gets all mushy with him saying things like, "oh you're probably tired from taking care of my baby (her son) so you need your rest too"...it's URKING! What's all of that for?

Even though he's said plenty of times that there isn't anything going on and I have access to everything like his text messages and so forth which he's shown me, I just can't deal with the fact that the PAST will always be in the PRESENT. I'm the type to ERASE the past and create the present, but because there are kids involved, well, they're obviously not going anywhere.

So all in all, I thought about the situation pretty hard and I honestly don't think I can go on with this relationship knowing how jealous of a person I am and how difficult I'm making it for him. Am I wishing for a fairy tale life here where no one has baggage? I mean, a single person like me w/ no baggage at all (divorce, kids)...I'm rare! I'm beating myself up here because I know I'm not being reasonable whatsoever. I'm probably throwing a good man away and can't accept the fact that nobody is perfect. I mean, who's to say that I meet someone with no baggage, but he turns out to be an a**? Perhaps a lot has to deal with the fact that I'm not the first to give him a daughter or a son. But he's made a point that he's never been married or never been to the places I've taken him like Hawaii and the Caribbean...Italy...so forth, with his ex.

Pretty lengthy, I know...but it's been 4 years and the two of us are going on a cruise in 4 months...marriage is in the air...I mean, what is the problem here except my immaturities? I love him so much NOT to hurt him and I feel that if I stay knowing that I'm feeling this way, I'm making it hard for myself and for him too because he has to hear my mouth. Communication has already passed because I've already addressed the situation and obviously, there's no way that communication with the "MOMS" can ever stop as long as these kids are young and don't have a cell for themselves to pick up on their own.

I'd really like for someone on the other end, like the Mother of a/the child/ren to respond because that's probably where I'll find my answer. Thanks for reading! (Whew!)

Sincerely,
-Young and Immature


ANSWER #15 of 16

Here it goes Im in a very difficult situation..I've been with my boyfriend for 18 months.He has a daughter whit his ex who's totally psycho because she knows thats hes dating me and she has seen us together in public and trips about it she starts texting me to tell him to call her and disrespecting me.He has tried to put her in her place but she wont listen shes very stubborn and sometimes he cant even see his Lil girl becasue she would startd a figth in front of the child when picking her up or afterwards.I did get to meet his daughter ONCE and that day the ex woke up the the Lil girl to ask her a bunch of questions and prohibited my boyfriend to bring his daughter around me or anybody that he knows.
He doesnt rally visits her becasue last time he tried to do so he was on the phone w me and she bit his hand and made him bleed.She hates me.she cant even stan seeing him talking to me.But everybody in her family knows he w me they actully know me like her aunt and her bros.She used to bit him up when they were married and is just tottally psycho.
My question is: I really want to spend time w his daugther when he does get to see her but is not possible since they havent filed custody for her and he was able to see her almost every day I don't know what to do and he only tells me to wait and be patient and that soon I will get to spend time w her.

I love children and I know how much she means to him I just want to build a good relationship w her I kinda feel bad for that lil girl that day I met her she said she wish she didnt have a mom because he daddy rocks.And I don't know what to do about the ex she wont stop w her BS and no matter what I or he tells her she keeps harrasing me when she or anybody she knows see us together.
I know they are not messin around I stay w him for days and I trust him,plus she Got super FAT due to the fact shes a very unhappy person w mental issues and I dont see how he could have anything to do w her ecept the child that already 7 years old.


ANSWER #16 of 16

Sorry girl it must be hard on you......the thing is they spen 13 years together and have a son although there marriage was a failure the've spent allot of memories together and were eachothers best friends for that long....if you start thinking that he has feelings for her again "love" then best just step out the way...you can't expect him to shut out his child for you and probabley don't. it's a very hard situation that you're in and best play it by ear....but they are 4 hours away from eachother so it's not like he's gonna sneak out to cheat on you.

let it be, don't stress to much about it, cause it's causing allot of preasure on your relationship...


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