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How can I end this vicious cycle with my Mom?

Ok, im not like super sensitive and im not Mr. Macho man but im feelin a bit unloved. My mom just had a baby and he is always sick and has alot of….problems, nothing too serious tho. My lil bro is very high maintinance and causes my mom a lot of stress, i dont wanna say that he is the sole reason that i feel unloved but he’s deff. contributing to it. the main deal is that i play WoW….anyone who plays WoW knows that if ur about lvl 40 or above youre going to have to devote some time to the game if u wanna complete anything. I play any time i get the chance bcuz my friends i know IRL play and lets face it the game is Unbeleivably entertaining. My moms big problem is that she thinks im addicted as if if she wwere to take it away i would die or go into withdrawal or somthin. I’m usually not a happy camper when im home because i feel that my mom is really hypicritical and i think its unfair how she throws the “I pay the Bills” card around when she knows if i could get a job i would and i would want nothing more than to releive her of some stress, i dont do great in school but i pass my classes, she says i can do better which of course i can do better but i get no praise or any extra of anything i enjoy when i try my best so whats my incentive? she threatens to turn off the internet all the time bcuz “its all i care about” Pretty much I dont do any work around the house unless told to do so….but how is that diff from any other teenager? ALSO how can u tell someone that they dont do anything and that that is a problem and then turn around and complain about HOW they did somthing……..W T F is that…….i ran away once to the park like 4 houses down the street, only bcuz i didnt want to hit her or somthing expensive but i came back in like 5min bcuz i knew it would only do her more harm if i left i love my mom with all my heart but seriously, if i hear one more complaint about somthing she could have easily done herself or about somthing i actually tried to go above and beyond on i will explode and probably end up on the streets alone and without shelter which will make her furious then afraid for my life which would cause her more pain and suffering…..HOW DO I END THIS VICIOUS CYCLE???

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Answer #1

I feel for ya, dude.

When you get home from school, kiss your mom, greet her warmly, then start helping out for one hour. Dishes, laundry, with the baby, anything. Do it without being asked but also ask her what you can do to help her out for the night. Make dinner, whatever. Just spend the first hour you get home contributing to the household maintenance. Take the baby for a walk so that she gets a break, just do one thing, for an hour, every day. Then when all is done, do the dinner dishes and settle in to play your game then.

I promise you that your mother will lay off you if you do this. She sounds super stressed out and overwhelmed and in many ways, I think she is sending a message that she feels no one cares about her needs. It’s not your job to emotionally support your mother, no. However, you’re older now and you can provide a lot of help to her for that one hour.

So keep your fantasy game off limits for at least an hour after you get home. Make sure your homework is done and you’ve spent time helping in the house. That should make things easier.

Me, I love to come on funadvice and read celebrity gossip websites. Sometimes I could spend hours. My boyfriend, who is the breadwinner and works a lot more than I do, gets home a couple hours after me. I know that it’s rather unfair and inappropriate to have him come home without doing a few key things before my internet time. I make sure the laundry is moving, make sure dishes are out of the sink, vaccuum if it needs it. So I get home, hurry up and get the key things done and then I get a “license” to chill as long as I want after that.

So try to choose your battle here. You know she feels overwhelmed, so help her out. I bet if you came home everyday and took your little brother for a walk and then came home and made dinner, she’d really lighten up.

Answer #2

First off… Even the Mr. Machos’ Of the world, if not felt love of a parent, would need/want that… It is Natural…. I’ve read what you wrote, and I do believe I understand the Jest of it. But correct me if I’m, Wrong…

Now, My mother at the time in my life, when I was your age… Had Heart surgery… I though being home schooled, had every bit to take care of her once she came from the hospital.

This was really tough! I went from, my home-schooling… to being an Official Unregistered… Home Health Care Nurse if you will. lol

Now, at the time… I really enjoyed (still do to some degrees) loved to chat! Which is the main way I communicated with people, was able to really socialize. I also played a lot of Video Games… And you know something, It really made me feel upset when at every min, it seemed as if my mom needed something….

I knew I was the one to be there for her, and I felt like I had not choice… My mother threw the “My house, you don’t pay the bills here, blah blah” every chance she got.

I was rockin’ in the SAME bot so to speak; as you are now… And Boy did it feel so very unfair… I HATED being as I preceded it a “Servant” I realized my mother needed more attention and help… I knew that she needed me… But at the time, I didn’t really feel so “needed” or did I want to be, I wanted to be needed as a SON and loved as such… Yet, I felt just like I was Loved & Needed only when there was something I could DO for her, THEN… When I try to have a little fun or relax, it was like…

JEEZZ!!! My mother would be hounding me so badly, as if all that I had ever done for her meant nothing… That I felt guilty for just trying to have some “Me” Time… And that just p1ssed me off… So YES, I know how this feels…

Every time I turned around, it was like “All I asked, was they you do the f-ing dishes… & You couldn’t even do that”

What I view here though, from an outsiders perspective is a Miscommunication. In your Mothers eyes, she may believe she is trying to show you to be responsible and to get you’re act together and wants you to do all of these things to prepare you for the world etc.

However, it seems to you… As if all she is doing is demanding you this and bossing you that and, despite your best efforts… it is NEVER good enough.. Right?

I feel you man… But here check this out, you have to kind of put your self in your mothers shoes for a min… (Trust me, I am not preaching at all.. I so hated when people tried to put me in my mothers shoes, not to mention the fact that my feet wouldn’t fit in them any way lol ha)

This is what I learned… I learned that If stopped complaining about “doing” all these things I was asked to do, and instead of WAITING until she told me to do it, I decided that it was a heck of a lot easier to just DO THEM… :-)

Even though I didn’t want to… I realized that, if I didn’t do them… I would end up doing them ANYWAY… and if I waited until my mother TOLD me to do them, it tended to make her made because she would expect me just to do them… It was very hard… but… I realized that the more I just did them… The easier it got to do.. And the more I did, with OUT being asked… The more my mother started to see, that she DIDN’T have to always tell me what to do. When that happend, it became that she stopped being so critical and yelling at me…. I wouldn’t wait until she told me to, I would just do them… Take out the trash, wash the dishes ( didn’t have a dishwasher) Clean up and do some laundry.

This took away A LOT of stress from my mom, and then she was a lot nicer, when she wasn’t so stressed out… and she then started to see all the things that I did & could do WITHOUT being told. :-)

Then I got a job, and helped out more financially.. now this is a very very tough transition, but I know you can do it… I did it, and I became a lot more confidant in what I could do, and how responsible I could be, and that came with my mother being finally appreciative of the things I did. But It didn’t seem she was, until it became more of something I just did, than something she had to nag at me to do. You know what I mean?

And I’m, not saying just an over-night thing… It will take some time to get things in order but, it can be done.

Now, At the time.. the one thing in my mind was this… Why the heck should I have to change me? I’m, not the ADULT… Why can’t she…

Then it occurred to me, it was so much easier for me to alter my way of thinking & doing, than to try and change her mind…. IT made it easier…

All this may or may not make perfect sense yet, but it can and will trust me… If you have any I mean any questions… or need a friend to talk to I am here for you ok?

My name is Benjamin… e-mail me ANYTIME… Now, I work full time, but I’m also on here in the evenings, and practically all day on the weekends okay..

How can I end this vicious cycle with my Mom?

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