how do I get my mom to stop interfering in my life?

I’m 45, and mom still treats me like I’m 2 and I’m damn sick of it. She’s always meddling and criticising everything everyone does. She has never respected me, never listens to anything I say, yet expects me to listen to her crap. she has always ignored my feelings and tells me I’m stupid, I know I can’t change or control her but she refuses to learn that she can’t change or control me forever, she tells me my way of thinking is screwed up yet she’s the one unwilling to listen and learn. she’s in total denial that she has any issues and sticks her head in a bottle of booze. mom expects everything to be her way no matter what it is, even if it has nothing to do with her. she has started calling me constantly the winter of 2009-2010, I told her to quit calling and she called me more. she has 2 other daughters, why can’t she bother them instead of me all the time? why am I her damn verbal punching bag? what did I do to deserve all the negative abuse? she dumps on me when she’s mad at dad and they have been divorced 35 years or so, yet she still whines about him. she remarried 16 years ago to a great guy yet she treats him like crap. actually she treats everyone like crap. she tells me she’s always busy yet she always finds time to complain and badmouth, criticise, and put people down. she even has it in her head that she has a say in how many kids her sister’s son should have. mom totally ignored the fact I had a learning disability growing up and she forced me into college without asking me what I wanted yet when I try to tell her something it’s like what I say doesn’t matter and she insists on having her own way all the time and that’s childish. she pushes and badgers me till I get annoyed and give in and I’m damn sick of it. people tell me I need to grow up and stop blaming her for my problems but she is the source of all my problems she is a damn pest and she makes excuses for everyone else’s behavior, she is still trying to mold me into what she wants me to be (like her) but it’s a tad late. why can’t she accept me as I am if I’m to accept her as she is? she has taught me all the wrong things in life, like I should care what everyone thinks, and that I’m not good enough. how the hell do I get through to her she needs to back off and leave me alone when she refuses to listen? she comes to my home and criticises how I have it set up, when she and my family helped me move they never asked me how I wanted anything it had to be their way as always and they say I lack communication skills when it’s all them who lacks the skills. I have tried since I was a kid to get her and my sisters to sit down and talk but they all said we had no issues which is bs cus everyone has issues, they just take everything out on me and abuse me when I stand up to them and do what’s best for me and they sayn I’m the childish one, well who the hell did I learn bad ways from huh?

Answer #1

Your mother is your mother. She is set in her ways and she is not going to change. Your mother has had challenges and disappointments in her own life and she was not totally able to deal with them directly, so she sulks and casts blame on others in her life for her situations. She never totally took charge of her own life and managed it well. She finds comfort in other people’s misery knowing that she is not suffering alone, and she takes her mind off of the trying things in her life that she can’t manage by involving herself in the lives of her children’s families and alcohol. The only way that she will change is if she makes the decision, herself, to change and acts upon it. Unfortunately, it does not seem very likely that this will happen. At least not in the very near future. So what do you do about the situation? You first need to come to a “complete stop”. Stop talking about her, stop verbalizing over and over again about how bad your childhood was, and how she and the rest of your family try to run your life. Just totally stop and refuse to talk about it any more. Because the more you talk about it, the more painfull and less successful the situation becomes and you will simply continue to relive and relive and relive it over and over again every time you talk about it. So Just Stop and refuse to discuss it any longer. Move on. Next, you have to decide to take a very firm and serious charge in your own life. You have to seperate yourself from them on a regular basis and take a firm charge of your own life. You have to act independently from them totally. Don’t rely on any of them for “anything”. Perhaps that sounds at first like a cruel approach, but drastic times simply call for drastic measures. You take charge of your own life. Take it back from them. If you have to move, then move on your own. If you need to change your telephone number, or get call blocking on your phone, then do that. From then on, they will not interfere in your life unless you simply “allow” them to. They can’t come to your house and arrange your furniture or tell you how to live if you don’t let them in. Your childhood is over, and as an adult you are now responsible for your own actions and what happens around you. They cannot interfere with your life style if you don’t let them. If they do, then you can take the matter to court and have it legally stopped. In addition, you may want to survey your own personality traits and habits. Try to improve upon some and change your weaker habits to stronger and better ones. Your family knows you well and they will know how to “push your buttons” and get to you. So, change yourself so that they don’t know you that well any longer. In addition, go out and seek a new, respectable, outside group of friends to hang around with. They, too, will help to offer you some fresh input into your situation as well as some local support when times become emotionally tough for you. Then, in the process of changing things for the better, pamper yourself a little and make yourself better on your own. Perhaps get a fresh new hair style, or change to a healthier diet, or maybe take regular walks, or get involved with some sort of social group… church, a dance class, a sewing club, volunteer for a worthy cause, get involved more with church work…..something to occupy your time constructively so that you feel automatically better about yourself as well as occupy some of your time where you cannot find yourself sulking emotionally behind a closed door somewhere. If you simply need to pack up and move and not leave a forwarding address, then “do” it. Your mother and your family are only involved in your life because you “allow” it, as an adult, to happen. Once you make some serious changes in your life, put your foot down, and totally get away from even talking about the issues…. you’ll find that you finally have some peace of mind and a calmer and less hectic lifestyle. That is the most direct route to get it to stop. Just remember, there simply is no improvement without change. It may seem somewhat of a shame to come on here and tell you to cut your mother out of your personal life for the most part, but, if you don’t… then you have simply “asked” for the situation as it stands and she will be in your face until the day she dies. At her age, with her life style as you have described, she is simply “not” about to change. You have to make the changes on your own.

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