Girlfriend issues

You cant fix the depression… she needs to go get help for it… And dont feel guilted into staying with her… No one needs someone to stay out of pity. You’re not going to be happy and neither is she. (I’ve been depressed for most of my life, so this isnt coming out of a place of no sympathy, I know what it’s like, but it’s not your burden to fix…). It would help if I knew how old you guys were…

Try this… it may help, it may not… really a counselor would be your best bet here…

Linear thinking prevents conflict resolution. When an individual uses linear thinking to resolve a conflict, s/he tries to determine who is right and who is wrong. Typically s/he believes that his/her significant-other is wrong, and that the conflict will be resolved if his/her significant-other can be persuaded of the “wrongness” of his/her point of view. S/he tries to get the significant-other to see things his/her way. This requires that the significant-other changes his or her feelings and/or behaviors.

Linear thinking leads to the blame game where each individual blames his/her significant-other for the problem. For example, s/he might accuse the significant-other of starting the argument associated with the conflict, or doing something that is rude or demeaning (e.g., nagging). It is not possible to resolve a conflict when the blame game is being played. The blame game leads to more arguing, and nothing changes. The conflict goes unresolved.

The blame game leads to a circular dance. In a circular dance the behavior of each partner provokes and maintains the behavior of the other partner. Conflicts cannot be resolved when there is a circular dance because it increases the level of anger in both partners. Conflicts cannot be resolved when there are high levels of anger.

The Law of We must be endorsed to stop circular dances and resolve conflicts. This law states that the only way a conflict can be resolved (and achieve growth in a relationship) is to change one’s own behavior, and to determine what one’s owns contribution to a circular dance is. In the example of the father and the son, both could ask the question, “What is my contribution to the circular dance?” The father could conclude that nagging (verbal aggression) is sustaining the circular dance, and the son could conclude that his elevation of procrastination (passive aggression) is sustaining the circular dance.

Growth in relationships and conflict resolution can only occur if individuals endorse the Law of Control, which states you only have control over your own behaviors, not the behaviors, thoughts and feelings of others. It is important to give up the fantasy that you can change or control another person’s thoughts, feelings and behaviors.

In order to stop circular dances and resolve conflicts it is necessary to use assertive claiming. Assertive claiming (also called assertiveness) is used to enforce broken rules. If an individual feels that s/he has been slighted, insulted or demeaned, it is important to communicate this in a civil, polite way by using “I messages,” not “You messages.” Assertive claiming minimizes anger and defensiveness.

When someone wants a rule change, negative emotions (particularly anxiety or anger) are often elicited because there is an element of uncertainty (anxiety) and it appears that rules have been broken (anger).

Empathic statements help to decrease anxiety and anger by communicating an understanding of how the significant-other is reacting emotionally. Empathic statements are statements that communicate that you are able to view the problem from the other person’s perspective.

When there is an argument, don’t focus on who started it. (This is linear thinking) Don’t focus on who is to blame for a problem. (This is linear thinking.)

3. Do focus on the contribution you are making to the circular dance because that is the only thing you have control over (The Law of Control). For example, are you trying to attribute blame or trying to determine who started an argument? Does the other person know where you stand? Are you being aggressive instead of assertive?

4. Don’t try to change the other person’s behavior or feelings. For example, Don’t say, “ Don’t feel that way, or you shouldn’t feel that way.” That is, validate his/her emotions; don’t invalidate them by saying the emotions s/he is experiencing are wrong. No emotion is right or wrong.

5. Do make sure that you know where you stand; be clear about your own needs, desires, responsibilities, thoughts and emotions (called Cognitive Clarification).

6. Do set limits (boundaries) on the behaviors you will tolerate (e.g., You will not tolerate abusive, insulting language.)

7. Do make sure the other person knows where you stand but communicate your view in a civil, polite way. It’s not necessary to insult the other person (That is, use “I message,” not “You messages.”).

8. Use active listening (non-reactive listening). That is, talk “to” each other, not “at” each other. The idea is to hear the other person’s message without judging it or leaping to conclusions. Acknowledge the other person’s view without necessarily agreeing. (This is called agreeing to disagree.). When negotiating it is important not to be adversarial, as would occur in a court of law. Remember that it is not just your goals that are important, but the goals of your significant other. The well-being of your partner should be as important to you as your own well-being. Often times both individuals are angry because their goals are in conflict. Ask the question, for example, how important is your goal to you and how important is the goal of your significant other to him/her.