Getting over him

There was this guy I went out with last year. It was my first relationship so I was really shy around him. When we talked on aim, though, I was outgoing and it was fine. It didn’t help though that he’s popular, so that made me shy off more in person. Anyway, he broke it off mid-summer. He must have called me three times during our 2 month relationship. I never called him. I realize I was too shy. I didn’t even really like him (like that). But the one thing that makes this relationship so memorable was that he told me he loved me. I felt obliged to say that I loved him and so I said it back to him. I always felt excited afterward and really smile-y, but I know I didn’t really like him (like that). Anyway, about half a year after we broke up I sent him an email:

Hey r -

I’ll let you know, first off, that you can ignore this or delete this or, if you like, go ahead and read it. It doesn’t matter either way since I won’t know and I’m not expecting a reply, either. You were the one who reached out most when we were together by far, so I just think that this is the best way to put that whole thing behind me properly, instead of leaving it frayed at the edges. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t totally regret eighth grade. I don’t really believe in regrets but I do believe in shame, embarrassment, and learning from mistakes. I don’t want you to think I ever blamed you for breaking up with me, because I’m not stupid. You were more outgoing than I was. I’m way too shy and I didn’t even know you. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but when I liked you, it was similar to liking a celebrity. I didn’t expect you to like me back, so when you did I didn’t think about the situation at all and said yes (after the initial confusion). However, I think we should be on the same page about one thing: we did not love each other. If you were worried I cried or something, well, I didn’t. However, I learned not to say stuff I don’t mean in relationships, something I think I’ve upheld well. The thing is, because of that I’m wondering now if there were any other lies that you told me. It’s not like it matters now, but just for the record that was the only one I told. I know you’re popular, something that confuses me a bit since you said you wanted to break away from that crowd. (well, you did a really good job by following cw and s around. But if that’s what you want, fine, I hope you’re happy - no sarcasm intended) I just hope that you don’t say “I love you” to every other girlfriend you have without actually loving her, because then that’s just…dumb. Mean. You may hurt some weaker girls who can’t tell happiness and content from “love”. I know this letter is about half a year too late, but I don’t think you’ll be surprised when I say in my defense that I’m too shy to have told you all this to your face. Have a good life in california and all the best. I hope one day you actually will find the perfect girl for you. :)

-me

He replied a few days later with “why did you send this to me now, when it doesn’t matter anymore?” he was annoyed, it was obvious.

I realize now it was stupid. But was it? I don’t know…I’m debating whether it was stupid or not to send the email. I thought it came off as okay and nice. I just wanted to tie up the loose strings of our broken relationship to get some closure. I won’t do it again. Please don’t lie to me, I can’t stand false sympathy. Be brutal, be honest.