Does my story sound good?

Ok Rachel [Main character] who is 15-16 years old basically raises her 5 year old sister Molly by herself. Her Dad trys to help but hes always at work. Her Mom is never home and Rachel sees her as a irresponsible woman that doesnt treat Molly and her right and ignores her own husband. Rachel and her Dad want to leave her Mom but both dont want to put that on Molly since Molly is still young and still loves her Mom.

Well, Rachel’s Mom moves them to the country where Rachel immediately meets friends. Everyone seems very happy in this town except a boy that she has to sit by in history [Cole]. Cole is always depressed and never sits with anybody except with 2 people at lunch. (which you find out later are his brother and sister) It get on Rachel’s nerves that hes so negative and when she questions him, he wont give a reason why hes depressed and gets a little defensive. So she promises she wont question him if he trys to not be sad around her. He agrees. They start a friendship and she starts asking her friends why people stare at her when shes around Cole and why hes sad. They say they arent aloud to say why hes upset. A friend come over after-school and tells her why as long as she doesnt tell people she told her.

Turns out: Cole used to be popular and used to go hunting with his Father a lot but while hunting one day, Cole accidentally shot his Father and blames himself. Sometime after, Most popular guy in whole school [Tod] says something insulting about Cole’s dead Father regarding the accident and Cole get offended and fights Tod. Following fight, Tod tells everyone to not talk to Cole. And they do what he says. Everyone is basically too afraid to stand up to Tod and since Cole became depressed, he cut himself from everyone except is family.

If you like it so far then I’ll tell you the rest of what I’ve got. I left a few details out of this summary soo If you have any Q’s then go ahead and ask! I hop yall liked it:)

Answer #1

you can deny it all you want…

doenst change that its the same. the ONLY difference is why they are the way they are, thats it… it is still COINCIDENTALLY, if youd like to call it that, happening in the same order..

Answer #2

the body of your story is basically influenced by the intro of the movie Twilight.

its almost the same.

rachel moves to some place and finds friends, just like bella in the beggining

everyone seems happy except one boy who doesnt socialize, like the main guy edward.

they have a class together rachel and cole, just like edward and bella in twilight.

cole doenst talk to anybody except people at lunch, just like twilight.

then rachel finds out its his own family, just like twilight.

he is negative at first in their freindship, just like twilight.

and its being copied in that sequential order..

I only know this because my girlfriend is obsessed with that sequal (just like the whole nation). but it seems like your stealing the story as credit.

I hate…twilight…

Answer #3

there are lots of stories involving someone moving to a new town and connecting with the outsider in that town, even though that person is initially opposed to the relationship. those things you mentioned are not quintessential to the twilight storyline, nor do I believe are they the basis for this piece.

the girl herself has an abusive family life - very different to twilight.

the boy is withdrawn due to emotional illness and loss - very different to twilight.

thousands of people in books have class together you can hardly say that a twilight copy.

seriously mate. you’re reaching here, fair enough if you’re girlfriend’s obbsessed with twilight, doesn’t mean the rest of the world is.

Answer #4

hey, it definitely has promise. there are a lot of opportunities to really bring out some strong emotions and really get your audiences to connect with the characters.

I would be carful however with Tod ‘telling’ everyone not to talk to Cole, as it doesn’t really sound believable. they can still have the fight but I think a better way to go would be after the fight Cole realises (or thinks) that everyone blames him for killing his father so he withdraws and stops hanging around them because he thinks they won’t like him anymore..

this is a very short treatment and I’m guessing you’ve got it all worked out in your head, but I still think you need to flesh out a bit more and add a little more to it.

but all in all sounds like a great starting point! I look forward to hearing the ending!!

Answer #5

I think it sounds great =-] Keep going

Answer #6

it sounds good but the second paragraph is starting to sound like a book I’ve read

Answer #7

That is really good I would love to read more

Answer #8

that sounds like a pretty good story, actually

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