Does my story sound good?

the body of your story is basically influenced by the intro of the movie Twilight.

its almost the same.

rachel moves to some place and finds friends, just like bella in the beggining

everyone seems happy except one boy who doesnt socialize, like the main guy edward.

they have a class together rachel and cole, just like edward and bella in twilight.

cole doenst talk to anybody except people at lunch, just like twilight.

then rachel finds out its his own family, just like twilight.

he is negative at first in their freindship, just like twilight.

and its being copied in that sequential order..

I only know this because my girlfriend is obsessed with that sequal (just like the whole nation). but it seems like your stealing the story as credit.

I hate…twilight…

there are lots of stories involving someone moving to a new town and connecting with the outsider in that town, even though that person is initially opposed to the relationship. those things you mentioned are not quintessential to the twilight storyline, nor do I believe are they the basis for this piece.

the girl herself has an abusive family life - very different to twilight.

the boy is withdrawn due to emotional illness and loss - very different to twilight.

thousands of people in books have class together you can hardly say that a twilight copy.

seriously mate. you’re reaching here, fair enough if you’re girlfriend’s obbsessed with twilight, doesn’t mean the rest of the world is.

hey, it definitely has promise. there are a lot of opportunities to really bring out some strong emotions and really get your audiences to connect with the characters.

I would be carful however with Tod ‘telling’ everyone not to talk to Cole, as it doesn’t really sound believable. they can still have the fight but I think a better way to go would be after the fight Cole realises (or thinks) that everyone blames him for killing his father so he withdraws and stops hanging around them because he thinks they won’t like him anymore..

this is a very short treatment and I’m guessing you’ve got it all worked out in your head, but I still think you need to flesh out a bit more and add a little more to it.

but all in all sounds like a great starting point! I look forward to hearing the ending!!

I think it sounds great =-] Keep going

it sounds good but the second paragraph is starting to sound like a book I’ve read

That is really good I would love to read more

that sounds like a pretty good story, actually