Did i do the right thing

My son went into his senor year of high school with a 3.4 GPA. His Mother an I were not getting along and infect I found some love letters she had written the father of one of his friends. We split and he was living with me.. I traveled a lot for work and left him alone at home. I never questioned what he was doing because he always dud the right thing. He started doing badly in school and was facing being kick out. I went to his school a found out how had been suspended a few time. His mother and he kept it from me. He made a promised that he would stop the skipping and do what ever it took to graduate with his class. A few weeks went by and everything seemed ok. I then get a call from his school alerting me that he again had not been getting to classes. I asked him about it and he always had an excuse. A week later he turned 18 and told me me was going away for a few days to the beach with his friends. I told him he was grounded for skipping and he replied I’m 18 year old, I’m a grown man and you can no longer tell me what I can and cant do. I said ok and asked him to get the f---g out of my house. My hope was that he would have nowhere to go and realize that he needed to get his shit together. However a neighbor friend out his got his folks to let him stay with them. I went to the neighbor and explained what I was doing and that by them allowing him to stay with them they where doing more harm then good… Long store short.. My son’s 19 today, he’s been kicked out of the army, has no job and is now smoking pot and drinking beer.. I have not spoken to my son since I kicked him out but fear that if I don’t do something I’ll find him dead or in jail.. what should I do?

3 answers

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ANSWER #1 of 3

Ok...here we go. I'm 26 and a mother and daughter. From the childs point of view, I can tell you this. My parents divorced when I was 10. After that, my grades suffered, my self-worth suffered, and I became extremely rebellious. My mom was over-protective, and raised my sis and I on this strict routine. My dad, was absent. He used to call and tell us he was going to come by and pick us up on a certain day and time, and then wouldn't bother calling or showing up. When I confronted him on it, he actually told me that his world didn't revolve around us, and that he had his own life to live. He told me this when I was about 12 or so. However, when I was 15, I couldn't take living in the harsh conditions at my mom's anymore, so I moved in with my dad instead. (He straightened out considerably after marrying my step-mom.) I thought I'd be happier there, but instead, I went from being under constant surveilence, to being left alone all the time. I didn't know how to handle myself when that happened, and I kind of went crazy. At my mom's, we ate dinner everynight as a family at the dinner table. At my dad's, we ate whatever, whenever. It was a very drastic change of lifestyle, and I didn't cope with it well. It changed me. I started acting out.
As a parent, you are doing what you think is right by playing the tough love card, but what your son needs is a relationship with you. My dad never had time for me, and to this day, I still resent him for it. Its not so much anger, but sadness. I have never felt like I make him proud, and when we do see each other, we fight. He's always lecturing me. Everytime I had an interest in something, he never thought I could accomplish it. He tore me down to the point where I don't believe in myself anymore. Be your son's shoulder. Its not going to be easy. Its going to drive you crazy. He's got a lot of learning and growing up to do. You will have to be patient with him, and you can't have angry outbursts. You have to be there for him no matter what he needs. Granted, if he goes to jail, bail him out the first time, but make sure he knows that if he goes back, he'll have to sit there. Go fishing with him, watch movies with him, go out to lunch with him, or whatever yall both like to do. Show interest in his interests, and introduce him to yours. Its time that you took the time to bond with him. Men have this problem dealing with relationships and heart to hearts, but it has to be done. If you let him down, then he will let you down. You just have to really put yourself out there for him. Be accessable, and make sure he knows you mean it. Good luck to you and your son both.


ANSWER #2 of 3

it seems your son is on a fast track to nowhere. and in fact, my brother went through a similar time (except the army kicked his butt and straightened him out), and both his dad and my dad left him, and he turned to drugs and alcohol too. your son is probably going to be tough, stubborn, and aggravating, but I think you should call him. I think you should try and reconcile with him... and offer to let him stay with you. that way, he can be kept under your watch and whatnot. keep in mind that it may not prevent him from drinking/drugs, but having a father influence in his life may make a huge difference, because right now, he's probably feeling abandoned and like you kicked him out of your life. it may take a while to get things fixed between the two of you, but you definitely need to try. make sure he knows that you care about him and worry, but stay strong and stand your ground. best of luck. :)

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ANSWER #3 of 3

As a parent all you can do is wait. They have to make their own mistakes and when they need us... we help them pick up the pieces. Just remind him that you love him and you're there for him. Sometimes smoking pot and drinking can be a faze that they go through. We just have to hope that while we were raising them that they learned enough to help them become good, honest people. Dad, give him some time.. maybe the Army wasn't right for him.. there could be something better out there for him. Just don't give up on him... every child needs their parent!! He sounds like he was a good kid at one point. With any luck he'll do whats right, but at this point in his life he needs a loving parent. Just let him know you're there for him no matter what. Things will get better... Good luck

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