Does anyone know how this depression feels?

I feel like I have an interesting case. I am going to be very curt and frank in this post, so that whoever sees this and answers may understand my entire perspective.. therefore, please don’t think that I am being arrogant, or haughty.

I am a 20 year old male. I should be in college, studying for my music education degree, but instead I am up at 6:00 in the morning, after not having slept all night. I can’t sleep because when I lay down all I can think about is dying. I fear, but while I fear, I imagine. I imagine the sensations of death, the way I will die, the effect that death will have on my family, my friends, my girlfriend… almost as if I somehow know that the next day will be the last day that I live. Because of this, I can’t sleep. Grotesque images of things like me being beheaded, or drowning violently fly through my head, and it torments me. After staying up all night, I usually end up falling asleep, and not wanting to wake up. I lose track of my days. I missed an important meeting two days ago because I slept through all of Tuesday, and did not even realize it. I should be going to work, but I have simply decided to neglect my job, despite the fact that my girlfriend and I have bills to pay in a week. I’m not lazy, I just can’t find any reason to get out into the world. Everywhere I go, I see negativity, and hatred, and evil… but as I analyze further, I find that the negativity, hatred, and evil is within myself, and from that perspective I discover that my entire existence is futile. That I am but a lifeless mass of skin and bone. To the exterior world, I am a pretty good looking, intelligent, multi-talented individual, but if you ask someone close to me their opinion, they would usually follow the former statement up with something like “He just can’t get his head on straight.” I have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, but taking Adderall only made these aforementioned symptoms worse. So I stopped. I used to love Music, and Chess, and working on computers, but now everything is mundane. These sentences are mundane. Asking for help on the internet is mundane. I don’t have insurance, so I can’t see a doctor without a hefty bill. I don’t want to kill myself, because I’m too scared to die… if that weren’t the case, I really don’t think that anything would be stopping me. Its pathetic that society has placed a certain stigma around people who feel the way that I do. I know that I have a serious problem, but I feel that no one is willing to take it as seriously as I do… People judge as they perceive, and they perceive laziness and a lack of motivation. I hate that. Its not fair. I just want someone to understand how I feel. My girlfriend gets so upset when I talk to her about it that she cries, but I can’t cry about it because its not even a feeling anymore. Its more of a lifestyle. Everything I own is a disaster. I keep myself clean, but my apartment and my car are horrendously filthy and unkempt.. to a level of being inhumanely disgusting, but I can’t find within myself any reason to clean it up, or to even try. Maybe I’m not typing here because I want help.. Maybe I’m just typing because I don’t know what else to do. Oh well. This is my shot in the dark. Maybe someone out there in cyberspace knows how I feel. I just can’t seem to imagine things getting any better any time soon.

Answer #1

Systolic - I, along with countless other people, I’m sure, know how you feel. I agree with Juniperone, change is good. If you want to change how you feel, you’ll need to change how you spend your time to change your outlook etc.

I am going through something similar as you, and have found myself in this position a lot through life. Just do what you are doing, keep going, but try something new. Start small. Clean your car, volunteer on a Saturday, or take a walk, but keep pushing yourself to be out. I find it helps to be around people and to keep your eyes up, to remind you of what there is out there.

Being honest and asking for help via internet is good. It shows that you have motivation and are an idealist in the way that you know there is help to be found and hope. Don’t sell yourself short. You deserve to enjoy your life.

Answer #2

Of course you really can die at any time. You could succumb to anything from a ruthless thug to a persistant microbe. Our bodies consist of many interfunctioning systems where the failure of any can lead to our death. When you look at everything we are up against life itself looks like more of an accident than death.

While there is no knowing if you will die today or 70 years from now you have to come to grips with your mortality. Being obsessed with death is sucking all the joy out of your life. The fact we die is what gives life value. If we lived forever each day wouldn’t be worth anything. The finiteness of our time here forces us to value it. The fact that you will die should not make you morose, it should make you appreciate every day more.

The meaning in Life is what you make it. I too was a musician and for years becoming a top shelf trombone player was the thing “bigger than me” that gave my life meaning. then I got into bicycling and raced bikes and worked in bike shops and cycling gave my life meaning. After I got my first computer I discovered this thing called the Internet, anonymous ftp, Usenet news, archie, gopher, WAIS, etc (this was pre-WWW) and I thought that the Internet was really going to be big (though even I didn’t forsee how big) so computers and networks were my thing for years. I still work with computers but now they have become mundane and I find that raising my daughter is now what gives my life meaning. Joesph Campbell said to “follow your bliss.” He went on to say that when you do follow your bliss that events will guide you and opportunities will arrise. I know in my life this seemed to be the case.

I don’t expect my answer to fix you. You are depressed and need help. There are places that will treat you even if you don’t have the ability to pay. It will take some research on your part and no doubt it will be difficult and inconvenient but what do you have to loose?

Juniperone: joining the Peace Corps can be very rewarding but it has become quite competitive to get in. It is difficult to find a spot if you don’t have a college degree, speak a foreign language, or have some sought after skill. They also look for a high level of motivation because the thing they fear the most is volunteers quitting before their 27 month commitment is up.

Answer #3

Yup, my friend is in Losotho, Africa doing the Peace Corps and not only did she have to pass physical and emotional tests before leaving, she needed a Bachelor’s degree.

Answer #4

There is no magical pill, person, or angel that is going to come down and miraculously make you feel better or clean up your life. Maybe you need a drastic change. It sounds like you need to value your life a bit. Get rid of all the stuff weighing you down and join the Peace Corps. Give away the things you don’t want or need anymore, put the rest in storage and set out on foot to find yourself. The peace corps will handle your responsibilities, you won’t have any bills and you’ll just have to help people. It sounds like you just don’t give a crap about your hobbies, career, or lifestlye. So try changing them. At this point, you have nothing to lose.

Answer #5

dude I know just how you feel and now all I do is smoke weed and listen to music in my room, and im just as depressed as ever, except when im high. if you find an answer let me know. Its so frustrating to try to talk to people about, because they just dont see the same world I do

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