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Does anyone know how this depression feels?

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I feel like I have an interesting case. I am going to be very curt and frank in this post, so that whoever sees this and answers may understand my entire perspective.. therefore, please don't think that I am being arrogant, or haughty.

I am a 20 year old male. I should be in college, studying for my music education degree, but instead I am up at 6:00 in the morning, after not having slept all night. I can't sleep because when I lay down all I can think about is dying. I fear, but while I fear, I imagine. I imagine the sensations of death, the way I will die, the effect that death will have on my family, my friends, my girlfriend... almost as if I somehow know that the next day will be the last day that I live. Because of this, I can't sleep. Grotesque images of things like me being beheaded, or drowning violently fly through my head, and it torments me. After staying up all night, I usually end up falling asleep, and not wanting to wake up. I lose track of my days. I missed an important meeting two days ago because I slept through all of Tuesday, and did not even realize it. I should be going to work, but I have simply decided to neglect my job, despite the fact that my girlfriend and I have bills to pay in a week. I'm not lazy, I just can't find any reason to get out into the world. Everywhere I go, I see negativity, and hatred, and evil... but as I analyze further, I find that the negativity, hatred, and evil is within myself, and from that perspective I discover that my entire existence is futile. That I am but a lifeless mass of skin and bone. To the exterior world, I am a pretty good looking, intelligent, multi-talented individual, but if you ask someone close to me their opinion, they would usually follow the former statement up with something like "He just can't get his head on straight." I have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder, but taking Adderall only made these aforementioned symptoms worse. So I stopped. I used to love Music, and Chess, and working on computers, but now everything is mundane. These sentences are mundane. Asking for help on the internet is mundane. I don't have insurance, so I can't see a doctor without a hefty bill. I don't want to kill myself, because I'm too scared to die... if that weren't the case, I really don't think that anything would be stopping me. Its pathetic that society has placed a certain stigma around people who feel the way that I do. I know that I have a serious problem, but I feel that no one is willing to take it as seriously as I do... People judge as they perceive, and they perceive laziness and a lack of motivation. I hate that. Its not fair. I just want someone to understand how I feel. My girlfriend gets so upset when I talk to her about it that she cries, but I can't cry about it because its not even a feeling anymore. Its more of a lifestyle. Everything I own is a disaster. I keep myself clean, but my apartment and my car are horrendously filthy and unkempt.. to a level of being inhumanely disgusting, but I can't find within myself any reason to clean it up, or to even try. Maybe I'm not typing here because I want help.. Maybe I'm just typing because I don't know what else to do. Oh well. This is my shot in the dark. Maybe someone out there in cyberspace knows how I feel. I just can't seem to imagine things getting any better any time soon.