Dating a divorced man

I have been seeing a divorced man now for 5 years. we have great fun together when the opportunity arises but there are various problems that keep us apart - he works nights, I work days being a major factor. He also has three grown up children (all over 21) who are very demanding of his time. One of these is a single mother with three children and one abortion by three different men, who he tends to treat like his wife and her children look upon him as their father. he has already told me on more than one occasion that I am not to come between him and his children. When we do get together one or all of them has to phone him to discuss total rubbish which could wait till the next day but he always answers it. even when we are on holiday they phone so the only thing to do is leave the country where we can at least have two weeks in peace. However when we return they are all there at the airport waiting for him! is this a relationship that was doomed from the start?

Answer #1

listen, those children if that is what you want to call them are selfish, spoiled and are trying to avoid there father of being happy and getting into a relationship. They are not kids anymore they are adults once you turn 18 you are an adult. expecially when you have children. Those selfish children of his are doing a very good job in trying to keep there father of being happy and he is letting it happen. 1. they can already take care of them self 2. what more can he do for them when they already made a decision of bringing children into this world with no father. 3. He does not have to console them about the divorse if he already been divorse for 5 years. And If he would of told me on more than one occasion that I am not to come between him and his children. I would have snapped. I suggest sitting down with him and ask him what does he want out of this relationship? and where does he want it to go in the future? wait till he answers you and then tell him that you just want him not to talk and just listen to what you have to say. and then you are going to tell him all the things that bother you. Remind him that his kids are all adults and you dont mind that they call once or twice when you are with him but not all the time. advise him that everytime you are together you feel abandon and cannot have a fun and relaxing day with him. and he is making you choose between being a happy family and being in an unhappy relationship. you let him know that you really want his kids to like you but also respect you as his new partner. also let him know that he is not the father of his daughters kids, and he cannot take the reponsiblity of there real father. it is ok that you help her every once in a while but he needs to show his daughter that those are her kids and she needs to take responsiblity of those kids because the did not ask to come in this world to have someone else taking care of them. just let him know how you feel and put boundries in your relationship dont let him put all the rules down and if he has a problem with what you have to say and starts to cut you off Then that means this relationship is not men’t to be. Good Luck Hun.

Answer #2


okay…’re dealing with a few factors here…none of them are helpful to a relationship…

as a father who has children from a divorce he probably feels as if he must over compensate for everything to “prove” that he loves his children and make them feel as if he will always be a part of their life. a noble way of looking at things, but parents can get a complex during a divorce and so can the kids.

Also, as his children are growing up and moving into the world, they probably feel they need to talk to an adult whom they trust. This is normal, and its something your man is trying to help them with. on this factor, you’re going to have to be understanding. I mean, granted, from my point of view you have the patience of a saint, but still…let them call..they need an experienced and trusted adult to talk to…

as for his grandchildren looking up to him as a father…well…I’m not sure how the family works when it comes to this, but I suggest telling your man, in a very patient and calm manner that his daughter must learn to parent her own children…after all…she had the children, now she must learn to take care of them and not hoist the parenting responsibility onto her father…be careful on how you approach that…he is their grandfather after all…

Now…as for the phone calls all the time…I suggest asking your man if he wouldn’t mind giving up his phone for a few hours when he’s with you…a set “You and Me” time when he leaves the phone at home…tell him it would mean a lot to you and you want some time just to be with him…and not his entire family…

also, I suggest sitting down with his children and asking them calmly, and rationally if they have problems with you dating their father. Perhaps they feel you are taking him away from them. children who go thru a divorce sometimes feel the need to cling onto the parents…sometimes they latch onto mom…sometimes to the dad. In your case, it looks like dad won…

You need to ask them…straightforward if they don’t feel comfortable with you dating their father and what you can do to make this right. To them, they probably still look at their parents as “being together” and if they did not have counseling thru the divorce, they may see you as a usurper to their mother. Does that help?

Either way sweetie, don’t give up…if you get along with this man then stick in there. you’ll be just fine…and remember…you must be patient, rational and understanding. still cool and calm and think logically. I know its hard when it comes to love and relationships, but its up to you in this case to be the adult…good luck.

Answer #3

Your dealing with a lot of problems here like..

His children are all growing up and they need an adult to look up and idolize and guide them through the world, to help them and to look after them and to care for them. An to be there for them and give them advice, your man also probably feels that he must give loads of time to his children to prove that he loves them and that he always will, and they probably already know that. But, he feels he must prove it no matter what it takes, and that is why he is doing this. I find it weird that his grandchild would look up to him as a father figure and his daughter must parent her own child and not having your man acting as the father, I’m not sure how old you both are but maybe if you ever wanted to have kids he wouldn’t be like this over his children that are grown up.. but if you are older which I’m assuming you are it may continue like this. Tell him to just say to his children that he is having time with you and he could talk to you tommorow unless it is important and he needs to know now, but if it is a silly thing he can wait until tommorow. Also, maybe his children also have a problem with you dating their father and ask them why and try and get to the bottom of the problem and figure out what they can do to solve the problem. If they are not willing to accept you as a mother figure this may be a problem for as long as you and your man are together.

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