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Controlling boyfriend

My 20 yr old daughter has been going with a young man for over a year. For the last 6 months, they have been in a long distance relationship. She is in WI and he is in CT. She has been plannning to move there in a month. Since they been going together, he phones her several times a day (and night). He wants to know where she is and what she is doing and who shes with every second. She cannot go out with her friends or even have them over to our house without getting accused of cheating on him. She cannot even go shopping with me or fishing with her father without getting accused of lying or worse. She has spent her entire summer wowrking to make enough to move out to CT with and sitting on the couch waiting for the phone to ring. If her father or myself are using our own telephone, he gets mad at her or accuses her of all kinds of things. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen her sitting in her closet crying, telephone in hand. She broke it off with him last night because he wanted her to tell one of our very close family friends to get out of our house because he didn’t want him there. Since then he has sent flowers and called 15 times to say he would change. He even wants to fly to WI for the weekend to talk to her. Now she is half stepping about breaking it off.

I am really afraid for my only childs mental health in this relationship. She really is doing nothing to provoke these actions from her boyfriend. I will be really afraid for her physical safety if she decides to get back with him and move 1500 miles away. She knows how I feel about the situation but she doesn’t seem to get how serious this could become.

Please, please advise.

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Answer #1

Dear Friend, Your daughter has no idea how badly this relationship will end up. This boyfriend probably has Borderline Personality Disorder, which is a type of mental illness. Do some research on it. I know what I’m talking about - I was married to a controlling man for over 20 years. These men are extremely emotionally needy, and suffer from a constant fear of abandonment, which they try to resolve by exerting complete control over their loved ones. They do this by constantly checking up on them, accusing them of cheating, monitoring their every move, and being continually critical of them. She thinks she can somehow placate him, but no amount of reassurance or trying to please him will EVER be enough for him. As time goes by he will need to control her even more and there is a good likelihood it will escalate to physical abuse when she doesn’t do EXACTLY what he wants - 24/7. He’ll isolate her from her friends and family, and she will have to walk on eggshells all the time to avoid “setting him off”. He’ll criticize every aspect of her personality, behavior, and appearance. That’s the way controllers keep power over their victims - by destroying their will and their self-esteem. When he goes too far in being abusive he will always apologize profusely and act like he’s going to change, but take it from me - he WON’T. After a brief “honeymoon period” he’ll be back to his old tricks. Men with this mental disorder never get better without a lot of therapy and they will deny to their dying breath that there is anything wrong with them, while constantly tearing your daughter down and telling her what is wrong with HER. The only solution - and I mean ONLY - is for her to get OUT of this relationship NOW and don’t let him charm or sweet talk her back, no matter how much he cries and pleads. If he threatens her or your family - which he will probably do when she tells him it’s over - get a restraining order if necessary. Her life may literally depend on getting away from him. Best of luck and God bless!

Answer #2

It sounds like she never set up boundaries and she likes him so much that she is willing to sacrifice herself to please him. He, of course, sounds like a control freak. Is your daughter a people-pleaser? She needs to learn how to step up and be independent. She’s not being her genuine true self if she lets him have so much authority over her (he shouldn’t have any). It doesn’t sound like an equal and loving relationship. If she moves to CT he might be physically abusive since he is already emotionally abusive. She needs to find out, somehow, that this is NOT a healthy or loving relationship. Relationships should be about trust and equal exchange. If he doesn’t trust her, then he is a COMPLETE LOSER and she needs to dump him NOW.

Answer #3

Hi, i am 19 years old and for a send there reading the start of your pst i was thinking i hope this isnt my mother. I have been with my bf for over 8 months now, he is very controlling, I cant really give you advice because i am in the same situation as your daughter its so hard at times. I adore my bf (23 years old he is) he is a great person although he doesnt trust me, always wanting to know where i am and who im with and when i tell him the truth he doesnt belive me and gets angry. I should have seen this from the start i was so blind by his charms. If you have read my post asking for advice you will see how much pain and go through. I am also afraid for your daughter if she moves there with him, well he might get abusive, she wont be able to do anything. I am worried and i dont even know her. Maybe your husband should try talking to your daughters bf? has he yet? things most proably will just get worst. I will pray that she decides to stay with you and your husband. good luck. please let me know how you go.

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