Book chapter1 paragraph 1. read please!

this is how my book starts off. it doesent give away anything that happens in the story but I was wondering if you randomly picked up a book in the bookstore and fliped to the first page would you wanna read more of this? be truthfu. its verry important. =] thanks,everyone.

Chapter 1 Moving half way across the world wasn’t what I planned on doing this winter vacation but I didn’t have much of a choice, the long 24-hour plane flight would have been scary for your average fourteen year old but after you fly across the world so many times it feels completely normal. We were on our way to a small town called Pawnee, where most of my family lives. We haven’t seen them in three years. I guess it all goes with living in Japan for six years. When the plane started to land at the air port, my ears were hurting like crazy but then I remembered my gum, so I unzipped my purple book bag and grabbed a piece of gum, I popped it in to my mouth. As I leaned back in to my seat and stared out the window, I noticed that it was snowing, it was really snowing, I hadn’t seen snow in over six years since I moved to Japan and now I get to see lots and lots of it, it almost looked like a blizzard outside.

When the door’s open and the flight attendants told us that we could get off, I was so busy admiring the white blizzard outside that I hadn’t noticed when half of the passengers got off till Shelby tapped me on the shoulder and screamed ,”Lets go, lets go!”

Answer #1

It could use a few grammatical tweaks, but it did grab my interest enough to say I would want to keep going. Keep writing!

Answer #2

The first sentence of any book is the most important — it has to make the reader want /need to continue reading. Maybe you can give that some thought… A short sentence that makes the reader completely unable to stop reading at that point.

Example…(stupid) My life flashed before me as the plane started its descent. This was my 13th flight blah blah blah…

Answer #3

thanks everyone. yes I know my sentance sentence structure and grammar need to be worked on. this is just how I first started out writeing and I was just wondering what everyone thought. thak you very much for your oppinions. =]

Answer #4

its pretty good. I recomend that you edit the sentace structure. somethings you repeat things more than once. I think once you tweak those items, it will become a smoother read. But keep writing :]

Answer #5

sorry, a lot of the sentence structure was poor. the grammar was poor.

I couldnt continue reading it.

but I usually judge the book by the cover anyway.

Answer #6

It’s good. But If I were you I’d wait a few months and come back to this. Your grammer will be ideal, and so will your structure. You should write more and then wait it out. :) Hope I helped ~Zoe~

Answer #7

I liked the start. and your story does make me want to know more. who is this girl/guy? what were they doing in Japan? why have they been flying so much if they’re only fourteen?… so that is good! but like previously stated you do need to work on sentence structure and grammar. Granted a lot of that would be worked through with your editor. but you do need to be better if you wanna get published. I suggest you wait. put it aside for a while (2 month) work on other chapters (or if possible another story) then come back and re-read it. whatever stands out or looks funny, makes you think twice, change.

good job mate. and keep writing!!

Answer #8

Yea I guess It sounds pretty good

Answer #9

In all honesty, you rushed the beginning, it was repetitiive and I think it has a similiar start as twilight except, and no offence meant, worse. Sorry to come off as so harsh but if you truly want to pursue a life in writing I would recommend reading a few more books and taking notes on what they do. However teh base plot did seem to intrigue me and with work it could be better. Go on fanfiction as it is there for people to write stories and is a forum which would be much more helpful.

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