What is wrong with me? It wont leave my mind?

To really answer this I would need to know more. Is it sex in general or the violence that went along with it? Is it a desire for sex? An aversion toward it? Are you afraid that something you did brought it on and made it happen? Are you worried that you aren’t normal because you think about sex after such a traumatic experience?

What I can tell you is that NO ONE ever asks to be raped. Not by dead, dress, action, or alcohol involvement. Rape is wrong. End of story. The victim is never the one that deserves the blame. No matter what. So don’t you ever feel you are at fault. Ever. It’s just not true.

Also, rape is rarely about sex. Sex is a normal, healthy human impulse that has been given a horrible rap by ultra conservatives over the decades. If it weren’t for sex there would be no population, human or animal. Sex is not a dirty, bad thing. But rape is not sex. Sex is merely the tool that the rapist uses for their violence. Rape is about inadequacy and power. Rapist often feel inadequate in their lives in some way or ways. They could have been victims of it themselves at some point in their lives. They could feel that they have no power in their lives and thus they find someone else to victimize to feel that power.

So you thinking about sex is not a bad thing or a wrong thing. It’s normal. Your mind is trying to understand and file away such things, to make sense of them. You are not a freak. You are not a bad person. You are human and it is normal to try to understand and put meaning to events that happen to us to shape who we are.

I have to agree with the others. Talking to someone professional is a good idea. I know it’s hard. I know it’s embarrassing. But trust me when I tell you these people that spend their lives helping others have heard it before. They are there to help, not judge. They will help you understand what happened and where you go from here.

I do hope it was reported as well but I can understand how hard that can be. It can be an ordeal and it’s something that you have to decide yourself if you can or want to do it. Yes it would get a rapist off the street but still it’s your decision. No one else can make that for you.

Finally I just want to stress one more time. You are not at fault. You are not to blame, and you are not a freak because of your thoughts. You are a good person that was put in a terrible situation. That is all.