How would i go about in improving this and is this a story that would be acceptable to turn in for a school assignment?

Black ink was scratched onto the paper. Each mark formed from the tip of the pen was carefully constructed into lines and shapes. The shapes eventually twisted into a picture. A sketchily formed woman sat holding herself, pain distorting her elegant features. More ink was carved into the picture but it was no longer black instead a deep red. Scribbles were placed from the woman’s eyes, then her neck. Until it was consumed with the sanguine color, until she was lost in an oblivion of blood.

   A crashing noise that was obscured by a locked door made the girl who had drawn suck a morbid picture lurched forward. Her eyes fixated not on the lines dug into the parchment but on the door. Footsteps drew near, and in a wild panic the girl through the drawing underneath her bed and hastily unlocked the only protection that saved her from the outside world. Ever since her mom started dating this new man she wasn't allowed to keep her room locked or she be punished severely. There was no such thing as privacy in her home, no silence. The only thing she had come accustomed to was yelling and screaming and drunken behavior. She prayed every night that her mom would wake from her slumber and see what had been going on. She hoped her mom would realize that she wasn't the only one that existed. She cried every night desperately wanting her mom to understand the pain she was going through. Her mom would never wake up. Blinded by loneliness she held onto everything that drowned her daughter in a constant state of sorrow.

   A gasp exhaled from the girl's lungs as the door slammed opened. Her "father" in the doorway, eyes glazed with alcohol. He spoke to her slurring every word but she still could make out the hateful words he attacked her with. Day in and day out she felt like a piece of crap, a worthless child, and undeserving of anything she had because that's all her parents would tell her. Not since the day she was born was she ever good enough. Never had she been smart enough, or pretty enough. All she ever wanted as a child was for her parents to smile at her and say how proud they were of her. Love, affection, compassion, all of these things she craved but she would settle for one of them. Seventeen years of her life she had never even been shown pity let alone love.

   Step by step her "father" drew closer until his plump body hovered above her, until she could smell the beer on his breath. Beneath her fragile chest, her heart raced because she knew what was going to happen. Almost every time her father would get smashed this would happen. Trapped on her bed she closed her eyes trembling as cold fingers ran over her stomach. Words of disgust still spilled from the crusted lips of her father. Warm tears seeped from her eyes as she was overwhelmed by fear. Thoughts ran through her head "why do I deserve this?" It would never end for as long as she lived. Every moment she quivered in terror, wondering when he would come. Every creak in the floor shot horror up her spine. Sleepless nights were followed by terrifying days. Now all she wished for, as she began to completely shattered beneath the meat sack she was forced to call dad, was for her breath to escape her lungs and to become like her mother. To never wake again.
Answer #1

I’m not sure you could ever hand that into school, though is is very good. I like your choice of words, like ‘twisted into a picture’ but the ‘carved into the picture’ doesn’t seem to fit because there are too many verbs about how to apply the ink. I also would like the opening to be clearer, if you did hand it in I don’t think your teacher would get the first paragraph. Second paragraph first line, such* I guess that’s a typo. I think his eyes glazed with alcohol is good, but I’m not sure it’s actually possibly, maybe they could be bloodshot, glazed with hatred, to Make it implied but not stated. I like ‘father’ but is he her real father? If not maybe it could be ‘father figure’ but only use it once, the second ‘father’ could just be he.

But I really do like it, maybe you could hand it in but I’d make sure she knows it is from no experiences of your own

Answer #2

^ i agree with betts on the improvements. This is really amazing work. I would think it would be exceptable for school, and you would get a really good grade. :)

Answer #3

has this actually happend???????????? its amazing but horrible if its real i know some of my friends that had this happen. its amazing that its desgribed so good.

Answer #4

I personally like it quite a bit, and i think it’s acceptable for school, at least the school I went to anyway, my teacher would have loved this.

Answer #5

O_O holy sh.t can you send me a copy of that?? its beautyfull in a dark way i was hangin on every word. scary sh.t.

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