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How to deal with stepmom?

My mom and dad got divorced because my mom discovered my dad was having a long-term affair with another woman let’s call her “”Jane”. Their divorce was a quick process and the entire thing, from finding out my dad was cheating to the final papers took about six months. It finalized a three years ago, and even though I knew he was still seeing Jane I never had to meet her and she wasn’t ever at his house when we use to visit [My dad has us for 2 weeks a month] . My mom and my dad were still on good terms too, I mean my mom was angry at my dad but they were civil, and they even both came to me and my brothers sports events and stuff & we spent both the christmas they were separated and the christmas they were divorced together. It was cool to have my parents still get kind of get along. You could even have called them friends. Anyway a little over a year ago Jane and my dad got married. The wedding was the first time I met her, she was crying about how happy she was she was getting married. I overheard her complaining to one of her bridesmates that me, my brothers, and my mom were at the wedding. I found out after the wedding Jane was only 24 when they got married, which means she was like 21 when she started being involved with my dad. The first week we went to stay with my dad after they got married none of us would talk to her much, we were already so upset our dad had married the “other woman” that we were trying to work out our problems with him, and having to deal with her only made me and my brothers more upset. We weren’t mean, we just didn’t say much to her and stuff. It was hard to deal with being in the same house as the woman who broke up your parents marriage, and yeah I know it was my dad too but like she houldnt have willingly dated a married man. I just wanted to talk to my dad that week and spend time with him, I only get to be with him a half the time, and I’ve always been really close with him so I wasn’t in the mood to deal with her. Well after a couple weeks seeing him, Jane started trying to act like a parent. She started trying to discipline us and telling us how misbehaved we were and how mean and cruel it was to ignore everything she said. She would yell at me for no reason, and if I told my dad she would say I was lying. My dad always says I must have ‘misuderstood’, and that I should just listen to her because she is my ‘second mom now’. She took down every picture we had of our mom in the house, and threw out some pictures of my grandma, she said that she doesn’t want that in her home. SHe bad mouths my mother, even though when I complain about her to my mom, my mom being the amazing person she is says that My father cared about Jane enough to end his marriage for her, and then marry her. And that it’s just as much my dads fault they got divorced as Jane’s because it takes two to tango. My mom never bad mouths her, but Jane complains that my mom and my dad are to close and that he should stop seeing her. When ever we stay with my dad she calls it “visiting” even though we are there half the time. She complains our dad spends way to much time with us, and that we are old enough to watch ourselves. She goes out partying but than yells at me if I want to have friends over. And after all of this she whines constantly that we don’t call her ‘mom’ and that calling her by her first name is disrespectful [did I mention she’s only 25?] I have been dealing with this for a year, and my dad is so blind to it that he has started to just ignore everything I say about her; he even asked us if we could just call her mom to make her happy and when we refuse he yells at us. How do I get him to understand that how living in the same house as the woman who tore my family apart is hard enough without all her crap? How do I get her to understand that my dad’s house is my home, and that I have a right to have friends over, and keeps pictures of my family there, and that I’m not just ‘visiting’? And how can I explain to my father that I just can’t respect her and that she will never be anything more to me then the golddigger who hurt my family? Do you think it would be best if my brothers and I stopped living with my dad at all if nothing get’s resolved?

PS I’m sorry I didn’t realise it was this long until after I typed it.

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Answer #1

hey [btw your mum sounds like an amazing woman!]

I had a stepmom I loothed to her very essence ever since the first time I met her when I was 5. we had nothing in common and she would continuously point out my flaws to my dad. I HATED her!

here are a few facts you need to know:

nomatter how hard you try YOU will never be able to convince your dad hes a moron for being with her. I tried. for 14 years. he eventually came to that conclusion on his own. and admitted he should have listened to his 5yo daughter.
you cant change her anymore than she can change you.
give her some (a tiny spek) of sympathy seeing as shes young and she has no idea how to handle kids who already hate her guts for breaking their parents up. im guessing you didnt give her any chances to be nice in the first place?
put youself in her ugly shoes. she found someone she loved who loved her back. but she went about it all wrong and guilt is eating at her so she blames you so she can ignore the fact shes a slut and just blame you for getting in the way of her perfect man.
shes only a bit older than me so she’s still gonna be childish and try to get away with anything bad shes done.

one thing that helped me was when my dad came in one night to tuck me in when I came over and told me something that I will never forget. he said that he loved her so much and that she made him happy. and that he didnt want to be guilty for loving someone and it was unfair of me. but the bit I remember most was that he said as much as he loved her, she was flyshit in comparision to how much he loved me.

remember he’s your dad. apparently an idiot at times, but still your dad. he will ALWAYS love you more than he loves anyone else.

think of flyshit when you see “her” face. it made me laugh for ten years while I sung “na na na naaa na he loves me more than you” …in my head of course

Answer #2

There’s not much that can be done, but don’t be afraid to voice your opinions about the situation whether it’s to your mom, dad, or step-mom… at least they will know how you feel about your living situation. My parents are divorced, too. When people get divorced, it’s hard to see it in everyone’s perspective, whether it’s the other ex-spouse, family members–especially children. Perhaps that is why it’s so hard for your dad to see the struggles you’ve been going through with his new wife. Some people just aren’t capable of seeing far from their own perspective… Unfortunately. If talking to them is difficult, I suggest therapy. Sometimes it’s hard for me to talk about the divorce, but I make myself because I don’t have an outlet. The school I go to offers free therapy sessions and if you’re in college or in high school, they usually have therapists or counselors that would be willing to listen to you.

Answer #3

Honestly, family therapy may be your best bet at this point. While the picture you’ve painted of this woman is basically of a wicked step mother, your mother has a point. Your father must see something in her to have left his family. Also, she didnt do the breaking of a family. He did. At any time (and I mean this even boils down to the start where he first saw her) he could have put an end to it and gone home to his family. Instead he chose to get a divorce. Now, of course, he is your dad. You want to continue to love him, so you want to be able to blame someone else. But that’s not particularly helpful in this case. He shoulders most of the blame here. And there’s two options here. Either you come to accept that this is who your father is - a flawed human being. Or you dont accept it and have a very difficult relationship with him. Not to mention, your choices about this woman are basically the same. Either you accept that this woman is the woman your father has chosen to marry, or you dont and you continue to have a difficult relationship with your father. Your father is not blind. He is seeing insecurities on all sides and does not know how to deal with it. His new wife is insecure because he had a whole other life before her. He has these kids who could tear up their marriage and an ex-wife who he cares about. Your step-mother is oh so young. Can you understand where she’s coming from? I know you dont want to, but your life would be so much easier if you tried. Of course she does not want reminders of your dad’s previous life around. So, the obvious solution would be keep those reminders in your rooms. I still say, you’ve got two options here. You can continue to blindly blame her for all your problems. Thus creating a rift between you and your father. Or you can start to realize that your father and step-mother are people. With all the little flaws that people have. And you can start trying a bit harder. Because if she sees you making an effort, then she will start to make one too.

Answer #4

well… she is yung and meaby she is expirianced about nothing! Meaby teloing your mom and not visiting your dad for a while and when he asks what is going on tell him. I mean your dad needs to have contius too… he’s just blinded, I mean somehow jean is acthing like a kid.

GOOD LUCK:)

Answer #5

Well if you dont like your step mom then just try to get along with her and just keep trying till you finally reach a stable equilibrium and you have peace and serinity in your house and you cant wait to wake up in the mornings. Just try it

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