How to deal with my jealous sister?

Wow, this is a great forum. I was just googling, ‘Is my sister jealous/is my sister a drama queen’ and read a few answers before I came upon this site.

It seems that I am not alone (clearly). It’s so unfortunate to see this infighting between Family members, the people we thought we were supposed TO RUN TO when problems occur, we later realize that these same folks are the ones we should’ve been running FROM all along.

I definitely think these characteristics (jealousy, drama) starts in our childhood. Let me now tell you about my ever-so-wonderful, sometimes Beast of a sister.

My sister is 5 years older than me (she is 41, and I am 36). She is the eldest of 4 of us. When we were all school age, she was the princess of my family’s eye, and the most attractive of them all in school (all the way through high school and beyond). Let’s call her April.

April was the apple of my mother’s eye. One day I saw an old picture of my mom holding up my older brother, while April, still a toddler, was standing next to mom, with her hands around her leg.

My mom told me that even when April was that small she wanted to be the Apple of her (my mom’s) eye, and was jealous of her (my mom) doing anything else in her life that did not include April.

So, this dis-ease (jealousy) is not new in this case. So, my mom moved to this country to find a better life for her family. While here, she had 2 more children including myself (the baby). My parents then sent for my older sister and brother. Thru the years, my siblings and I grew a strong bond with one another. We grew up with our cousins, and our families, although we had our troubles, were very close. My sister, I was told, had to be there for us in ways that my mother couldn’t because my mother also had some growing up to do (a lot I am told). So, this made my sister’s position in the family somewhat different, where she had to be more responsible than the average older sister. One day, I was complaining to one of my good friends ‘why can’t my sister just be my friend, I love her so much, I wish we could be closer’. This was when my friend brought up the ‘Pecking Order, every family has one’ she said. Immediately, my head was turned, and she knew I wanted her to explain this more to me. She said, ‘your sister will never be your friend because she is your sister’. ‘She is the eldest, and she knows better, so she is not your friend, she is your sister’. I was sort of confused, but this answered a lot for me. I can definitely understand more where my sister is coming from, but I said ‘more’, not totally.

Since, the high school years, both my sister and I went on to get married. My sister has 3 beautiful children, and a wonderful husband who loves his wife and family very much. I did not have any children with my husband, and we ended up divorcing 8 years after our wedding. Also, since high school, I blossomed into a slim, young attractive lady (but with a low self-esteem), and my confident sister put on weight, and her looks changed accordingly to where she was not as attractive as in her younger years. This is when things changed.

When she was in High School, I was so jealous of her I couldn’t take it, and she flaunted her beauty and curves right in front of me and Loved every minute of it. I was as skinny as a stick, and wore school girl glasses and played the violin in school. She did not wear glasses, and was in the cheer leading team at her school and voted Princess of her class (very popular). I, on the other hand was very unpopular (the sister of April, but that’s as far as it got).

Anyways, I can speak volumes here, but long story short, I think I have a jealous sister on my hands. Like the others that I’ve read about, I have always worshiped my older sister, thinking she was the Best of the Best (creme de la creme) of everything, and absolutely the prettiest. When we were young (me 7, April 12), and she was blossoming into puberty, I would get jealous when boys noticed her at the mall. I would observe Everything, and then tell her later (how Dare he look at you like that, say that to you, etc.). She loved it.

But now that I am older and now get most of the attention the tables have turned. It’s been years now, so I am used to it. I don’t want to sit here like I am all that because I’m not, I just have her covered in the looks department :O). So, in my relationship with her, it’s more psychological than it is ostensive. And it’s the psychology of it that makes me crazy sometimes.

I have always had issues with my health. I have fought a rare disease all of my life that ended up bringing about Cancer, which is now in remission, and Severe Anemia. When my health is fine, I don’t hear from my sister, AND she is mean to me when she is ready (at any random time). When my health is bad, she is right there. This is good, that she had been there for me in times of sickness, but AS SOON as I’m better, she’s back to her old self.

She has friends that she will almost move the earth for, and go out of her way to impress (giving them presents, throwing parties for them, and, even coordinating a wedding in one case). But, when it comes to me, she doesn’t find time to do much. Of course, I have to give it to her, she threw a party for me with one of my closest friends after I finished my last chemo session, which I much appreciated.

The bottom line with us is, I wish we had THAT relationship of Love, friendship, and true Sistership. I think she has some jealous tendencies of me when I’m around her husband, to the point where I just feel uncomfortable around him, for instance, when I see them, I will hug and peck him on the cheek. I think that this really bothers her. My question is WHY? You have Everything, and I live in a room in my mom’s house, and that’s still not enough. Wow, I am happy for April, and I want her to know this and she is still jealous??? That is sad, and I can’t understand it no matter how much I try, I can’t.

I was diagnosed with Cancer, lost my boyfriend (the love of my life after my last chemo treatment), and lost my apartment, and as soon as I go back to work, the chiller switch is turned on (by my Sis)? I know my answer on this forum may be a little deep, but I do feel like my sister is my worst, most Evil enemy.

It’s like, she can’t see me truly be happy. She really liked my last boyfriend (to the point where I knew she was attracted to him), which is okay. I am not perfect, and I know that I should just accept people for who they truly are if I have Love for them, but right now, through all of the pains and obstacles of Life, I really need her (True) friendship. She knows me like no other person, and, truly knows who I am, and I want to be the best me that I can be, but I am pretty sure that she doesn’t want to help me to bring that about. It is not all her responsibility I get that, but life would be a bunch easier if she were loving. I just got out of the hospital yesterday after being admitted in the ER two days before, and she came to visit me. She was supportive, but now that I am home (the next day), the Chiller switch has been turned on.

I now see as I am typing, that this may be her ‘mechanism’ to keep me at a ‘Distance’ from her. Sort of a management, control that she is using on me. I don’t like the mind games, the psychological stuff, I don’t think that I have EVER deserved to be treated this Evil, and do think that I could’ve gotten a lot further in life if she were more supportive, but I know that it is up to ME, to move on and do the the healthiest things for myself. I will begin by checking to see if there’s a support group that can help me. I don’t need this toxicity in my life, and I’m tired of her playing with me like I’m in a ‘puppet show’. It’s time to cut the strings off Sis!