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What would you grade my story's opening paragraph?

hi, im currently revising for my english GCSE and am in the middle of writing a story about a train crash. could you please read it through and tell me what grade you think im currently working at, and maybe even give me tips/guidance towards improving my story writing. Any comments will be gratefully accepted. thanks.

Piercing sirens echo through my ears tearing me away from a somewhat comforting yet unfamiliar slumber. Stabbing pains surge through my body accompanied by a wave of sheer terror. Am i dreaming? I’m trapped in a surreal madness. I struggle to open my heavy eyes as the world spins like a sickly fairground ride. Confusion overwhelms me- how did i get here? This however, is soon replaced with panic as i look up to see a furnace of flames spewing clouds of thick black poison at me. It sets like cement on my lungs whilst i gasp for my breath. i’m in agony.

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Answer #1

Compliment: You’ve managed to create enough mystery to force the reader to want to read more. Constructive criticism: You have a lot of short, choppy sentences that could use some elaboration by describing key descriptions (I struggle to open my heavy eyes : I struggle in vain to open my eyes, heavily hooded with the after-effects of a deep sleep). I’ve also noticed that you have some grammatical issues. I’m not sure if it’s just because you’re writing it here as opposed to at school, but remember to capitalize on the word “I”, and on sentence starters. The word “whilst” … sounds too Shakespearian for the tone of your story - use “while”. I think you have the beginning of a very intriguing story … based on content, I would give it an A … based on structure and form, I would give it a C - about a B overall until you make the necessary corrections.

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