What is your opinion of the common term some parents tell their children, "Do as I say, not as I do"? Do you feel that if you had premarital sex, then it is not ok to teach your children abstinence until marriage. Same scenario with the use of alcohol or drugs. If you tried them or are still using them, is it ok for your children to experiment, too? Do you feel you want your child at home where you can supervise if they insist on smoking cigarettes or drinking under age? Do you feel you are being a hypocrit if you tell your child not to do something that you did at their age or younger? I am going to answer my own question so my opinion will be out there. I imagine this question will get some great answers with strong opinionated views on both sides. I hope so. I would not only like to see responses from parents, but the children, too.
I don't think it's hypocritical, really. It's best to be honest and tell your kids why those aren't good things to do, and explain why you feel that way from your experience. If you smoked pot as a teen and you think that's a bad idea, tell them why you think that, based on your experience- I think it makes kids understand a little better. At least, that's what I've always figured I'll do when I have kids. (Bear in mind I'm only 21 and don't have any kids, so take my advice for what it's worth.)
It's also good to be realistic with your kids, too, I think... not to be TOO lenient or anything, but unless it really is YOUR religious/moral belief, for example, I wouldn't tell a kid "Don't have sex until marriage", b/c that's pretty unrealistic unless you're raising them in a religion that teaches that. A better thing to say would be whatever is more realistic- "it's not smart to have sex in high school, b/c you should focus on school, and relationships shouldn't be that serious at that age, and you shouldn't risk pregnancy," for example. Basically, be realistic with your kids, and if you did something bad when you were younger, it's not hypocritical to tell your kids not to do it. You probably lied to your parents a few times when you were a kid, but would you tell your kids it's okay to lie to you? Probably not! You get the idea.
You as the adult have the advantage of experience and learning. True, you apparently did these things in your youth but either the experience or something else seems to have taught you that these actions are not wise choices. So, why not look upon this as giving your children the benefit of your experience in an attempt to keep them from making the same mistakes as you.
Look at it this way, if you ever touched a hot stove and burned your finger as a child or were busy talking to your friends and not paying attention to your driving and almost had an accident would you feel hypocritical about telling a two year old not to touch the stove or a teenage to pay attention to their driving or would you feel that they should learn these things for themselves?
Parents are supposed to supervise and teach their children and if some of the knowledge of dangers we pass on is from our own experience so be it. All of us have made mistakes but that is no reason to warn our children against things that can harm them.
Sue, I must say, I am not a professional but I have had that mind-set for a few years now. I do not tell my son about my past. I see it as it my own and I am here in the now. And right now, I am parent. I have a completely different role today than I did when I was younger. My son has never seem me drink alcohol, use any drugs, have a man live with me that I am not married to, among many other things I want him to witness good morals at home and I think they start with me. All things are not perfect, sadly, I am a cigarette smoker. :( I am so against sharing the past with kids. I need for my son to see good examples when he is home whether he sees other things away from home. Parents will say they don't want to lie to their children if they are ask tough questions. What do you suggest in that situation? I am so thankful for your answer. It helps me to think I am doing something right.
I do. When my son is old enough to ask, I'll be honest about the drugs I've tried and I'll also be honest about the negative effects they had on my life and I'll give him all of the facts. I want him to know why he shouldn't do things. I don't want to be that obnoxious squawking parrot, saying "no" with no reasoning skill. I want to explain the world to him.
I will tell him about pre-marital sex and what it gave me. I'll tell him that though I love him dearly, I was not ready. My life was insane for having abruptly stepped into parenthood without a clue, proper finances or even any clue of who I am.
I hope to teach him through my experiences because I am not fit to be the good example.
As to "you did it and you're okay," he's only five and he's seen me in a straight jacket. I don't think he'll ever think I'm okay.
okay. from what i can tell your a pretty smart woman. lol well my mom always tells me not to do drugs and not to smoke etc. but my mom use to smoke, and she told me when she was my age that she had tried an illegal drug. and im happy the fact that she didnt lie to me and say no i didnt. my sister recently started smoking and my mom constantly yells and fights about it with her, but i understand shes doing it for my sisters well being but i do think its hypocritical. its just a faze my sister is going through, and she puts a great deal of stress on my sister. this past yr i started smoking but she didnt know..and i stopped. i felt guitly. but there are many diff. situations when something like this came up, and to be honest, its pisses me off.
Dear monicacharlene, Well saying it and making it mean something are two different things. Our children "live what they learn" this is a common phrase we use in the field. Or how about a picture is worth a thousand words...what picture are you painting in your home. So with that we advise parents never reveal their history to their children for the very reason you stated " you did it and your okay". For some reasons parents love to tell about their background and their ability to survive it. We proclaim to be a much more intelligent and wise when we get older and have children but when we model bad behaviours we really haven't evolved at all. Sue
Quit smoking! That's an extremely unhealthy and exceedingly stupid thing to be doing in this age with all the evidence available regarding it's harmful affects. Yes Monica, I used to smoke but I quit many many years ago, when I joined the Navy and I made my wife quit before we were married. My mother quit but it was too late. She died from congestive heart disease. If anyone keeps smoking long enough it will eventually get them. Set a good example for your child and be around longer to enjoy him. There used to be a cynical saying; "feel sorry for smokers because they won't be with us much longer". Not funny! I don't feel sorry for them.
I am a 13 year old girl and was brought up being constantly told what not to do. I think if I was your child I would want you to tell me all those things. I have no intrest in smoking, drinking ect. but still, if you truly regret what you used to do, tell your children. Maybe it will make them see what is right. But then again, don't constantly "nag" them about it because I know that teens have a tendancy to do what they want, regardless of what you tell them, especially if they think you are nagging them about it. At least if you tell them that in the first place, they may see sense.
I think it's okay. My father and mother drinks every now and then but they never let us touch those bottles. So, my sister and i got used to not drinking even if there are some hard liquor in our store and we see men drinking. We got busy with our studies and get used to not even touching those bottles lol. Nobody smokes in our family though on both sides. But my brother drinks when his friends are with him. But it has never been an issue.
Yes and no-- yes it is hypocritical if you are a product of circumstance and environment. We all have told our kids that things are bad for them, but of course most will experiment anyway. Sometimes it better to voice your opinion and give them facts and let them conclude their own option. But no its not because we all want our kids not to learn by our example. I love u MONKIKA!
okay from a teen point of veiw i abloustle hate it when my mom and dad tell me NOT to do stuff that they did as kids because they wont let us fingure it out if we r supposed to learn from our mistakes then why dont they let us make those mistakes? i have no clue all i knows is us kids do wut they tell us not to do out of pure rebel
