How do I stop this feeling of dread whenever we talk and are apart from each other?

I know how you feel Janice, yesterday I had the most uneasy feeling about my gf…I wasn’t home and when I did try calling she wouldn’t answer. Found out later those feelings were correct, she was in a car accident, and didn’t help that I was at a funeral for my uncle so I just had thoughts that I wished that were never there at all. Like you I sometimes encounter anxiety’s and I have to remind myself to relax and not create problems in my head that have no bearing at all, you just have strong feelings for this person so I get it…we all get it…just a case of you needing to get out of your own head and focus on other things that won’t stress you out so much.

Oh my god, I do hope she is alright. And you are exactly right. I always try to relax myself, I do, but nothing seems to work for me. The paranoia and anxiety usually get the better of me. Last few times he went away, all my old problems resurfaced, I cut, and lost a lot of weight (recovering anorexic). Any suggestions for ways to get out of my own head?

Wow you describe how sometimes I have gotten, with me though I tend to get destructive and break things or get into fights. The thing that has helped me the most has been her…we talk and I lay out my anxieties, even if they are embarrassing to talk about she is the one I trust with all my secrets. If not him, then talk with friends whom you can trust, change your routine and do something other than just like sitting in a room thinking over and over again. You have to condition yourself to let others in because I suspect like myself and her, it’s hard for you to open up and discuss these things…it’s the only way I know of how to do it, and these thoughts won’t leave you overnight…it’s a process that’s hard but its worth it in the end. And my gf is fine…she forgot her phone at home, thanks for asking. I bet there are others you can talk to here with similar problems…you’re not alone Janice.

Guys can be more sensitive to nuances than we think… is it possible he says things to hurt you because he wants you to be more expressive or demonstrative about missing him? Before I married my husband, while we were living apart, sometimes he couldn’t come over to see me as often as he wanted, because his kids needed him, etc. I would assure him it was ok, not to worry, I’d tell him I had things to do anyway, and all this because I didn’t want him to feel pressure. Well, it was the wrong thing to say. He wanted to hear me say, “Oh no… I’m really going to miss you today. Are you sure you couldn’t come over, even for an hour?” And I never said that because of my practical approach, and that would make him feel hurt and unwanted, and he would get upset and lash out and say mean things. It wasn’t till years later we found out that I was just trying not to let him feel pressure, and he just wanted to hear me say i wanted him. . I hope this helps, Janice. You give such wonderful advice to others here - you really do. So I hate the thought of you feeling so dreadful :)

I was thinking of that… and I actually have discussed it with him as well. He tells me that when he is away, he misses me and “wants” me badly. Thing is, we actually were fighting for about two years over those “wants” of his. So when he is away, they tend to get much stronger and much more forceful although he has learned to control it recently which is the reason we are better. However in the past he has said the most insulting and hurtful things to me, for the sole purpose of angering me. Within our relationship :P it’s actually the other way around, I tend to be the one wanting him to tell me he misses me, but he finds it unneccesary because he assumes I should know it, so I don’t push that subject.

And thanks for that compliment, I really didn’t think anyone thought that :) Thankyou. And really, you as well, you help a lot of people here :)

Wow thanks, I appreciate that a lot! You know, back to the bf… it’s a lot easier to hear those hurtful things if you know the reason behind them. They’re not the truth and I’m sure he regrets saying them afterwards, even if he doesn’t explain himself. He wants to know you care, and when you get upset, it’s sort of proof that you do care. Wacky, I know. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them…

Whooooa! How much self-esteem do you have that need to be around someone who treats you mean? And all of this talk about people saying one thing, but meaning something else is a sign of emotional imaturity. If you want something from your partner and cannot seem to express this, but would rather make a game out of it, then shame on you.

Sorry? I don’t understand how you got to think that I make a game of our relationship?

Some of the people posting to your question seem to believe that expecting your partner to be a mind reader is part of the package. Nope. neither is being treated mean. Neither is jealousy. All of these are signs of emotional imaturity. And if youseek out people who are mean and controlling, that is a problem.