How do I start my own TV SHOW???

There are a few tried-and-true methods. Pick the one that works best for you.

1. Be a rich, spoiled, drunken 20-something who enjoys debasing herself in front of the camera if it means another few seconds in the spotlight. Eventually, E! or MTV will offer you a reality show. Be prepared to engage in completely arbitrary elimination contests and have sex with people who, if Hollywood didn’t exist, would have been fed to pigs long ago.

2. Be born into a family of high-powered television producers who control 80% of the talent, money, and resources on television. See also – Tori Spelling.

3. Scrape your way up from the slime and filth of the NYC comedy scene, gradually make a name for yourself performing on stages underneath Chinese restaurants, fighting the rats in your studio apartment in Nolita for your last saltine, get invited to perform on the Late Late Show, land an unpaid internship writing for SNL, get a paid gig writing for SNL, perform your stand-up routine on Premium Blend, put out a CD, get offered a sitcom, watch helplessly as the material you’re sweated over your entire life gets shredded into tiny unrecognizable pieces in the clanking gears of a soulless world designed solely to sell fizzy drinks to fat Midwesterners. See sitcom fail, return to NYC, kill self.